The Dark Roads: The Complete Story

Chapter 11: Dark Roads

I began to slowly regain consciousness as my alarm clock went off. I wasn't at the party any more, I was in my own bed. Alone in my own bed. As the alarm clock continued, I tried rolling over to turn it off. To my surprise, I wasn't able to. Something was in my bed. Next to me in bed was, to put it lightly, a nightmare. In my bed was the girl who started all of this.

Lindsey.

What have I done?

I jumped out of bed as fast as I could. Lindsey slowly started to wake up.

"How could you let this happen!" I yelled at her. Guilt was at the forefront of my mind, but it was slowly turning into rage.

Groggily she answered "What do you mean? You wanted this! Remember?"

I couldn't tell if she was trying to manipulate me or if she was telling the truth.

I answered "Well as a matter of fact I don't remember anything, so would you mind filling me in on the details!" I said that last part louder to emphasis I was still angry.

"Well.." she began "you were drinking a lot and stumbling all over the party last night. I noticed you threw up on one of the couches in the living room and helped clean it up. You said you wanted to go home, so I tried to get Tracy, but you didn't want her.." I looked at her like she was lying "..Im not lying Christopher... you said you wanted me to take you home. Then you, Christopher, came onto me and tried to start something. I was anything other than sober and indulged in it."

I was speechless. I began to hate everything. I hated my bed! I hated my windows! I hated Lindsey! I hated myself! I hated everything! Except Tracy. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I think I just threw it all away for... for... for some stupid drunken one night stand? It meant nothing, right? Yet still this meant everything to me. Everything.

Just then Lindsey turned to walk away.

"Hey! You can't just leave after what happened!" I yelled.

She opened the door to leave, but before she did she looked back at me and acted like she was about to say something poetic to me.

"Christopher, I've known you for a long time, and I know you very well. I know you worry about your little girlfriend day and night. She is all you think about right?"

I nodded my head. "She is the best thing that ever happened to me Lindsey. How the hell did you let this F-ing happen. You knew I liked her. You.." She cut me off.

"You know what Chris!" She began raising her voice as a tear ran down her left eye "Way back during Junior year, you were the best thing I'd ever had. I thought about you all the time, day and night, and I worried you would be unfaithful to me one day. I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I worried about you more than I worried about myself. And you know what happened on that fateful night almost a year ago. I messed up. I had put my own feelings aside for so long that I.."

Being reminded of that night only made me angrier. "What's your point!" I exclaimed.

"My point is, next time, worry more about yourself, because that's who your biggest enemy is...

your enemy is yourself."

At that last remark she left, closing the door behind her.

I ran up beside the door and listened as I heard her steps walk away. Anger had built up inside me and was ready to release.

I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Well now there won't be a next time Lindsey! I'm going to lose the one thing I cared about! The one reason I keep going. I won't be able to look at her the same anymore. Don't you realize! She'll never forgive me! I can't even forgive myself! I.. I..."

The anger turned ever so slowly into sadness.

"I messed up Lindsey! Can't you see that! Help me make it up to Tracy! I can't live without her! I just can't."

I curled up against the door and started to cry.

Realization began to hit me like a bullet. This whole time, trying to protect Tracy from becoming what I fear most, has caused me to forget about myself in all this. After all this stress about someone else, I couldn't even take one moment to worry about me. I never even thought that I could be the problem.

Being drunk only amplifies what you feel deep down inside right? Maybe, in reality, my heart wanted more than Tracy was offering. This was a decision I made because I was drunk, but maybe this might have happened later down the road. I was trying to find something rational in what I had done, but I couldn't.

Maybe this mistake was written in the stars. But how could this be true. I love her. But did my heart want something else? Did my desires want something more? How naive could I be? Was it because of sex? I can't be that shallow. Is it my human nature kicking in? Was it really because of a yearning for more? This can't be the reason. It was all just a mistake. Right?

Well, the fear of losing her finally ended when I lost her.

But now a different fear was brewing up inside myself. I was afraid of myself and of who I could potentially hurt.

I was replaying the situation over and over again. Looking for something redeemable. Looking for something I could say was reason I did it. Something that said why this was happening to me. I couldn't find anything that was certain. The only thing I knew for certain was that I'm certainly losing the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Even if I tried to hide what I have done, the truth would come out eventually.

All I could feel was guilt. Guilt is the worst pain there is. It sticks with you, and it never leaves you. Physical pain will always leave you eventually. Verbal pain only lasts so long. Mental pain from the outside world can last a long time but it will leave you at some point. The singular pain that is almost impossible to get rid of is guilt. Guilt can be mentally buried away and left dormant for a while, but something will dig it back up again. It never really goes away. I know that the guilt I am feeling right now will never leave me.

Never.

I can't believe I messed up everything.

I'm not good enough for her. I'm not good enough for anyone.

After all this time worrying that Tracy would cheat on me, I went ahead and screwed everything up. It was starting to resonate with me how badly I messed up everything. I'm starting realize the common denominator in all of my problems. It's me. I'm the problem. I always ruin everything.

Because of what I've done,  I have became the villain of my own story.

I am the monster. I've always been the monster.

I could feel my mind going down a very dark road, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

*The end of Christopher's story*

Word Count: 1228