Lost Soul

Chapter Twenty-Eight: We

Cat wraps my leg while Charlie pulls the boat behind him.

His wing tips graze the water every once in a while and the boat jostles when he shakes them out.

It sends a shot of nausea through me every time.

Ava holds the golem's head on her lap, which is the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

She'd promised to build it a new body if it led us to Danny.

I don't trust it to tell the truth, but I honestly have no other options.

We just lost James. We're not losing anyone else. And I swear to whatever God Rae believes in, if we lose someone else, I will...

I don't know. I just can't bear the idea of anyone else being gone. My large family steadily growing smaller.

The voice in the back of my head whispers that it's all my fault. James shouldn't have been there. He shouldn't have had to protect Ava.

That's my job.

All of it's my fault. I promised to protect them all, and I've failed each time. Every drop of blood is on my hands.

I'm a poison. A sickness, slowly creeping through the ranks of the people I care about.

I move to the front of the boat, where Nick sits.

"Hey," I whisper.

He sniffles and wipes a tear away. "What?"

I bite my lip and look down. "I'm sorry about James. I should've done something."

"It wasn't your fault."

"It was-."

"I don't want to listen to your damn pity party, Raven."

I don't look back at the rest of our friends. I don't need to see them all staring at me. I nod. "Sorry."

He rolls his eyes and throws a rock in the water. "I didn't mean it like that."

"How did you mean it?" I mutter.

He closes his eyes. "It's not like emotions are your thing either. I'm not good at-." He makes claws with his hands, shaking them. "Feelings."

"I know."

"He was all I had left," he whispers.

"You have-."

"I know," he sighs. "I know I have all of you. But I knew James before I was on the streets. He kept me alive. He understood."

I look down. "You were on the streets together, right? That's what he said."

Nick scrubs his face. "My dad died when I was young. We lived in this bad neighborhood. Some cop saw a shady man with a brown face and didn't think twice. I was too young to understand. My mom did what she could for us, but she had a lot of health issues. Then the council cut the health programs and she had no disability. We were homeless for a while. James's family lived on this tiny reservation outside the city. They let us stay for a while. But something happened."

I grab his arm. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

He rubs his hands together. "It was a long time ago. I was still pretty young. I always thought it would be a heart attack, or the seizures that took her. We were heading home on the subway one night. It was late. Some guy tried to steal her purse. And she was so damn tired of being walked on. She gave him what he wanted to protect me. But it wasn't good enough for him. So, he stabbed her. Three times."

I close my eyes.

Nick sucks in a breath. "I didn't really know what I was doing."

When I open my eyes, he's staring at his hands.

"But I... took the knife. And I stabbed him back. He managed to run away, but he was dead when the cops found him. My mom died there, on the subway floor. The court let me off easy because I was young and I killed him in 'self-defense'. But I did a stint in juvie for a while. When I got out, James's parents were dead. Neither of us had anywhere to go, so we left the dome. From then on, it was just us two. We learned not to trust people. We learned not to trust anything but each other. If the world was gonna be against us, we would never lose each other. He was all I had."

"I'm not going to stop fighting," I promise him.

"What good is it going to do?" He whispers, turning to look at me. "We don't know this place they're taking us, Raven. It's an entirely different world. What happens after? They fix us, and give us a sticker, and say 'here's your portal home'?"

"The portal is controlled by Thomas. If we can get him and his soldiers to stop guarding it, we can get our friends home. That's why we're doing this."

He studies my face. "Why do you care? I get for Rae and Will. But why do you care what happens to James? You barely know him."

"Why does that matter? I know enough."

"Like what?"

"Like he's got a good heart. He's kind. He doesn't treat Ava like a child and lets her do things herself, without being patronizing. He never lets someone feel something alone. He always makes sure you have a shoulder to cry on. He cares about people. I know that. I know he doesn't want to hurt people. I know he never liked lock-picking because he hated stealing from people, even if they were awful. I know he wanted to join the rebellion because he wanted to make a difference."

Nick recoils. "No. You're wrong. James never wanted to join the rebellion. We agreed that it was stupid and dangerous. He knew it wouldn't make a difference. That's why he never went to them."

I lick my lips. "He did come to us. Once. After his parents died. He wanted things to change. He left for you."

A tear rolls down Nick's cheek. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? I held him back? That's what you're telling me?"

I slip my hand into his and squeeze. "No. I'm telling you he loved you. You're like a brother to him, Nick. He would've done anything for you. And you'll do anything for him. This is a scary ride, Nick. I get that. I get that it's full of unknowns. But we have to have faith."

"Faith?" He warbles. He wipes his nose. "You're starting to sound like Rae."

I chuckle through my tears and nod. "She is the smartest person I know. She had faith in something bigger than herself. And she had faith in me, no matter how stupid I was. So, I have faith in her. She's hanging on over there. She's waiting for us. All of them are. They're happy, and healthy, and safe. And they want nothing more than to see us again. So, I don't care what it takes. We're finishing this. We're getting to the top of this mountain and we're shoving my dagger up Thomas's ass."

Nick smiles. "He seems more like a sadist than a masochist."

I shrug. "I guess we'll find out."

He rests his head on my shoulder and squeezes my hand. "Tell me again he's going to be okay."

I kiss the top of his head and shut my eyes. "I promise you, James, and all our friends, are going to be okay. You're all going to make it through this if it's the last thing I do."

"We," he says.

"Hmm?"

"We are going to make it through this. You didn't include yourself."

I hum in the back of my throat. "Right."

He nods against my shoulder.

I watch the waves ripple around our boat in silence.