Lost Soul

Chapter Ten: Mountain

We walk in silence for a long time.

After a while, Ava gets tired of tripping over everything and clambers onto my back.

When she's fallen asleep on my shoulder, Rae falls in beside me.

She rubs her neck and keeps sending me glances, but doesn't speak.

Eventually, I growl, "what?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb, Rae. You want to speak, so speak. You're upset about me leaving the boys, aren't you?"

She shakes her head, watching her feet. "Erick and Alex were being idiots anyway."

"Then what? You've been sulking since we left. Did you not want to come?"

"It's not that. I just-." She starts tying her hair up, ripping out strands and wincing. "I'm worried about you, Raven."

"That's new," I say, dryly.

She glares. "I'm allowed to be worried!"

"I didn't say you're not. But I'm fine."

She crosses her arms and stares me down. "Really? What was that with the dagger? And I know what Alex said got under your skin."

I stop walking and turn on her. "Of course, it did! I don't blame him for being mad at me, Rae! You think I don't blame myself for what happened!? Alex almost died because of me! Oliver-." My voice cracks and I shake my head. "Look, it's been years since it happened and I can't even admit that he's gone. And now Will... I feel like I'm falling apart, Raelynn. What do you expect?"

"I expect you to let me in," she whispers. "You don't have to be so tough all the time."

I scoff and keep walking. "That's rich, coming from you. Even after what you went through, you didn't cry."

She looks away. "Well, maybe crying about it felt like giving him power over me again," she whispers. "After you killed him for... what he did to me-." She bites her lip. "It still felt like he was there. Watching me. I couldn't sleep for weeks, Raven. Even leaving his school, even throwing myself into getting my doctorate, even trying to start something with Erick... It felt like he was always there."

I stop again and stare at her. "Rae, he can't hurt you anymore. I would kill him all over again if I had to."

She hugs herself. "Maybe that's why I'm out here," she whispers. "Ever since we met. Ever since you killed him for me... you've been protecting me."

"We've been protecting each other."

She shakes her head. "I may patch up your wounds when you get hurt, but I don't protect you like you protect me."

"I don't expect you to."

"Why not?" She pulls her cross from her shirt and holds it. "Everything good in my life, I can thank you for. Killing our principal, my doctorate, my faith... what would I be if you hadn't found me that day? How is it fair of me to keep asking for your safety without anything in return?"

I look to my shoes. "This is the way I like it, Rae. I put myself on the line so I don't have to lose anyone else. If I'd done that back then... Ollie would still be alive. You don't like that I'm reckless, and I'm sorry, but this is what's easy for me. If I get hurt, the people I love don't. Does that-does that make sense?"

She studies me and nods. "It does. But what happens when we lose you?" She whispers.

I keep going. "It won't matter," I say. "I'll get Will back and you all can return to your lives."