Lost Soul

Chapter Thirty-Four: Only Thing that Matters

The snow comes soon after we leave the cave.

Charlie can barely fly through it anymore and his wings become weights on his back the damper they get.

We try to drape sleeping bags over them to keep them dry, but it only does so much.

We rest in caves when we find them, but they're getting few and far between the closer to the top we get.

On the first day of December, Ava sits at the mouth of the cave we're in now. She faces the outside, as if she can see the snow that has begun falling again.

I settle in next to her and she pulls Alex's sketch book into her chest.

The image on the paper facing me is of Izzy. Her mouth open, eyes shut. Her hair flares out around her like she's touched an electrical socket. Alex put a lot of effort into coloring the fading blue streaks in her blonde hair.

I look away from it, peering out at the snow.

"You have to let Charlie take me."

I tense, not looking at her.

"Raven?"

I close my eyes. "I'm here."

"Shay's not free yet," she whispers. "When I get hurt, you have to make him take me."

I shake my head. "You're not going to get hurt."

She licks her lips and squeezes the sketch book tighter to her chest. "Okay." She gulps. "I'm sorry I called you an asshole."

I look at my hands in my lap. They're littered with scars these days. The first scar I ever got doesn't seem as special anymore. "I'm sorry I didn't believe in you. I'm sorry I'm not James."

She shakes her head, making her wild, red hair bounce. "I don't need you to be James. I know you're protective. I know you'll do anything for me." She purses her lips. "But James... got hurt protecting me. I don't want you to do the same."

"You're asking me to let you get hurt?" I ask.

"Maybe. If it happens."

I set my jaw and close my eyes. What would my mom tell me to do? 'Let the red-head die. It's not like she matters'. I squeeze my eyes tighter. "Okay," I whisper.

Ava sighs, "I wish I was good at lying."

"I'm not lying."

She rolls her eyes. "I used to think that was your super power. Shoving the feelings down. You used to never break down. But you weren't happy, were you?"

I frown. "What are you talking about? I was happy. I had amazing friends. I had Ollie. I had a good life."

She shakes her head. "You weren't happy, Raven. Not even with Oliver. You never dared ask for more from him."

"He was scared," I growl. "I respected that."

She reaches out and takes my hand, running her fingers over my scar. "You deserved more. Someone you could be open with. Someone you weren't afraid to love and wasn't afraid to love you."

I glance back at Danny, then shake my head. "I was happy, Ava. You need to stop."

"I thought you were," she whispers. "But you were just hiding, the whole time, weren't you?"

"Ava," I warn. I squeeze her hand. I can't take much more.

She lets out a shaky breath. "I hope you learn to stop swallowing the emotions. I thought my anger issues were bad. But I see now, hiding from yourself is worse."

"Stop."

She lifts her head.

I scrape a tear from my face. "Stop."

"You're not your mother."

"I said stop!" I shout.

Charlie, Cat, and Danny look at us from the back of the cave.

Danny stands, frowning. "What's going on?"

Cat slips past him and nudges Ava with her foot. "Why don't you come help me carry berries?"

Ava scowls. "I'm talking to Raven."

"I think you've talked enough," Danny growls. He grabs my shoulder and frowns deeper as he feels me trembling.

"We're fine," Ava says.

"No," I whisper, staring at her. "I'm not."

Her expression clears. "Oh." She uses Cat's hand to pull herself up. "Okay." She lets Cat guide her into the snow.

Danny rubs my back. "Hey? What did she say?"

I turn and bury my face in his chest, gripping his shirt in my fist.

He cradles me without a word, rocking me back and forth.

"You okay?" Charlie asks.

My breaths quicken and I feel Danny look up.

"We just need a minute," he says. "Tired."

I'm sure Charlie doesn't believe him, but he walks back to the fire without asking.

Danny hums to me and strokes my hair.

I pull back, wiping tears away. "You don't have to treat me like a child."

"I'm not," he murmurs.

"Like I'm breakable, then."

"You're the opposite of breakable. It's quite annoying, if I'm being honest. I'm treating you like someone who hasn't been cared for before."

"I've been cared for."

He nods and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "But you were punished for it, weren't you?" He kisses my cheek, stopping a tear. "You're not going to be punished anymore. You're allowed to be vulnerable."

I shake my head. "You're saying the same things Ava did, just with the knowledge of what my mom did to me. It's not what I want to hear."

"What do you want to hear, then?"

I half shrug. "I dunno. Tell me I'm a monster or something."

He nuzzles his nose against mine. "Okay. You're a monster."

I sneer at him. "How do you make that sound kind?"

He smiles. "I can't help it. It's you."

I curl my hands into fists on his shirt. "You want me to be vulnerable, right?"

"If you feel safe to," he murmurs.

I let out a shuddering breath. "I don't want to lose Ava. I don't want to lose anyone but..." I close my eyes.

"It's different?"

I nod, not meeting his gaze. "She's... everything to me. I would die for her. We've always been there for each other. Through everything. And-and we don't always understand each other or get along, but she's my sister. And I can't stand her telling me she knows she's going to get hurt. Or die."

"Did she tell you what's going to happen?"

"No. All she said was I have to let Charlie take her."

Danny doesn't say anything for a moment, rubbing my lower back. "Her visions have changed before. We'll figure out a way to stop it."

"What if we can't?"

He rolls his bottom lip between his teeth. "I don't know," he whispers. "But I know you won't stop until you see her again. Any of them. Ava's tough. Whatever happens, she'll make it through."

I look down. She will... but will I? No matter what I went through in my life, Ava was always there. Running away from home. Oliver's death. Killing our principal. Killing Hunter and his father, even if I didn't tell her about it. She was always beside me.

I don't know if I'll have the strength to go on without her.

I don't tell Danny this. I just rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.

No matter what happens, I have to protect Ava. She's the only thing that matters.