Broken Clocks

Chapter 43

My lips are dry from all the running I've been doing lately and my feet are covered in sores of all the things I've been running away from. my eyes swollen from all the crying I've been doing. I'm stuck between feeling it all and not feeling anything at all. I lay in Nelisa's bed and listen to the birds chirp a sweet song outside as I imagine a life with no pain . I drag my tired body up and reach out for my phone to check the time "09h55" , my notification center is filled with missed calls from my family members . It's Saturday and i have to go to that house . Not showing up would paint me as bad "makoti" not that i care at this point but I need to go back home . I'm pretty sure Nelisa is tired of me and my sobbing every night she might not say it but i know . Anyways i also need fresh clothes , I can't keep on buying new clothes just because i dread going back to my house . I take a deep breath and climb out of bed and proceed to make the bed . Afterwards i go take a shower and get dressed in grey tracksuits and i put a beanie over my head .

I make my way to the kitchen and i find Amahle sitting on the high chair fiddling with her mother's tablet watching cocomelon . "Morning sweetie" i plant a kiss on her forehead and she looks up with the widest grin , "morning aunty" and her eyes shift back to the screen forgetting about my existence. Oh to be a child again with no worries in the world , Nelisa appears from Amahle's room with a laundry basket in her arms . "I thought I heard your voice , morning sunshine" she throws me a smile as she places the basket on the kitchen counter . I smile back as she takes out mugs from the cupboard, "coffee?"

"No I'm good sisi ... I'm going home" , she turns to look at me and walks towards me opening her arms and wraps her arms around me in a tight hug . She pulls aways and smiles faintly , "you don't have to go back you know that , Mnqobi doesn't deserve you" , i nod . "It's overdue mnge , plus I'm pretty sure you tired of me now you need your space" i say .

"Oh rubbish ! You know I'll never get tired of you , you my best friend. I love having you around , noma nje uqeda ukudla kwami Ndalo" we laugh as i pinch her hand , "aibo" she winches in pain and we giggle . We stop as she looks at me for a second , "Honestly , I'm here for you" i pull her back in for a hug and we stay like that for a few minutes .


****

I turn off the engine as i take deep breathes , I'm outside my house and there are three cars I don't know on the driveway. Two of them are registered under KZN , must be the elders . Oh lord give me strength. I look at my phone and it's now "12h15" , I don't even know what time they had planned to start with the meeting but i made it either way . I get out of the car and make my way in . As soon as i open the kitchen door I'm met by a bunch of eyes and Lethabo jumps from the high chair and runs throwing her body up mine in a hug. She sobs as she squeezes me for dear life . "Oh my poor ribs nkosi yam" i call out and she pulls out and laughs with tears in her eyes . A tear rolls down her face and i use my thumb to wipe it away . "Hey I'm here now"

Alwande : oh sisi

She's behind Lethabo who moves away making way for her and Alwande engulfs me in a hug as well , "I'm glad you back home sisi" i nod as my eyes fall on Nomzamo who's fixing tea cups and biscuits on the counter . The last time we talked i was harsh towards her . She doesn't move her eyes from the cups and i stand in front of her .

Me: sisi

She lifts her head up with tears threatening her eyes. I can feel my eyes burning as well.

Me : I'm sorry , ngicela ungxolele . I was really harsh the last time we spoke and i know it was wrong of me to lash out on you like that ngiyaxolisa .

She smiles faintly as a tear runs down her cheek , and opens her arms signalling i should come in for a hug. I give a hug and she rubs my back and pulls out , "its okay sisi , i was wrong to force Mnqobi on you like that . You were hurting and needed your sisters but we didn't think of you . Siyaxolisa"

Her apology comes off as heartfelt as Alwande is next to me rubbing my back as well . I missed my sisters . "Nomzamo are you do-" Our moment is disturbed by him , he stops at the doorway as soon as his eyes fall on mine . He doesn't look good . He has lost so much weight and looks like he hasn't been to the barber in forever . He moves his walking cane and swiftly walks towards us as Nomzamo turns to look at him and back at me again. Alwande clears her throat .

Alwande : i think we-

Me: I'll be in my room , i need to get changed.

I storm out of the kitchen as quickly as i can and make way upstairs passing the elders living room without greeting them . I slide down the door as soon as i shut down the door . I close my eyes and say a prayer in my heart when a soft knock on the door startles me . I don't say anything , "Ndalo it's me my child" it's a woman's voice it must be my mother in law . I jump up and open the door . Her fragile body stands at the doorway and smiles at me , i smile back . "Ngingangena mntanami ?" I move from the door signalling her to get in . She makes her way and i close the door behind her as she sits on the bed and pats next to her. We sit in complete silence.

"You know Nomzamo is not my child ..." i turn to look at her in shock , it's my first time hearing this . You'd swear she's her child , the way she treats her as her own daughter . "Your father in law bekayi soka in his days . Very good looking with a german cut and the latest silk and flannel shirts, he was the hill girls were willing to die on ...me included . After we had our first child and got married I thought huh he was grown now and was ready to focus on his family but oh boy was i wrong . Women and children kept popping up everywhere. When Nomzamo was a month old her mother was bedridden with TB and I couldn't let an innocent child suffer because of her parents. I took her in , treated her like my own and loved her with every fibre in my body . I had other children thereafter and Bangizwe just kept having more children outside . People kept asking why was i staying regardless of everything, why didn't i take my kids and leave him ... and i always told them that it's easier said than done. As much as he was hurting me i still loved him. Everytime there was a new child in the picture told myself ukuthi haii this is his last chance , after this I'm leaving , kodwa I couldn't bring myself to leave ngenxa yothando mntanami. I couldn't wake up one day and decide that I'm going to leave him intliziyo aypakelwa . Each time you think about the hurt , it doesn't equal to the number of times he made you happy . You find that he has made you happy countless times and you've never experienced the type of love that he gave you ." She turns to look at me , "no love is perfect, no marriage is perfect. As a married couple you learn how to love your partner each and every day , you learn something about them and yourself each day . Marriage is just a learning experience that requires one to be very patient. It's not always going to hurt , futhi its not going to be a bed of roses everyday. " she brushes my back and stands up , " I'm not saying bekezela , however there's no easy love mntanami. " she smiles without revealing her teeth and leaves the room .

I remain seated thinking about what she said , why couldn't love be easy and soft . Love doesn't have to hurt , love is kind even the Bible states that . Our mothers have endured so much pain they romanticised it and thought it was normal. I stand up and get dressed in a flowy dress with a cardigan and i wrap a head wrap on my head . I put on some slippers and as I'm about to leave , there's a soft knock on the door before i can answer it opens .

He stands in the doorway looking at me and swallows so hard . He takes one step in as we stand in a complete silence. I move my eyes away from him and look at the distance between our feet . "I'm really sorry Ndalo , ngiyazolisa kakhulu MaZulu" I don't say anything. I have nothing to say to be honest .

"They waiting for you guys" - Alwande appears out of nowhere

"Let's go they waiting for us" i say as i move past him .