our last summer. (e.m)

four: old habits die hard.

"what's it been like for you since?"
i ask eddie as we find one of our old spots,
a clearing in the woods that was meant for moments like these.
though now that we're older,
having our minds undergone changes that belong only to teenagers,
it feels rather charged with an intensity i can't name.
"it's been...okay."
is all he says.
i take the hint and don't press any further.
it's our first time back together in a decade,
i won't ruin it by demanding details. 
"that's good."
"you?"
i shrug.
"you remember how my mom was. busy, busy."
eddie chuckles and crosses his arms to bury his hands in the hollow underpart of his arm.
"i do. it was always tutor time when i came over."
a memory erupts from the hidden crevices of my brain and makes me bubble over with laughter.
"oh, god! i forgot all about that."
"hey, it worked well. i was the best at multiplication that year."
"i remember,"
i say as i take a seat at the random picnic table in this area.
eddie comes up and takes the empty space across from me,
while we let our nerves fill us up.
we've waited so long for this reunion and it's sweeter than we could have ever imagined.
"eddie?"
"yeah?"
i turn to him and give him a smirk that makes him groan in reply;
he's read my mind.
"tell me about your girlfriends!"
"oh, y/n, come on."
i laugh but not without playfully punching his shoulder.
"i missed out on it all! your first kiss, first girlfriend, first date. come on, eddie-boy, give a girl the details."
he pulls at the splinters in the wooden table and shrugs.
"there's nothing to tell, honestly."
"i don't believe that."
he smiles up at me.
"why not?"
"because you're-you're...well, you're you,"
i manage to stammer out.
eddie chuckles at my expression.
"i'm me?"
"yeah. you know, some girls really like the heavy metal look you've got going on."
he's having fun with this,
i know it.
watching me become sheepish under each new word stupidly spoken.
"yeah? what about you, y/n? you one of those girls?"
i roll my eyes and laugh.
"oh, shut up! you know what i mean."
we laugh along with one another until it settles in the air around us.
"i can't believe it's actually you. after all this time, it's you."
eddie reaches across the table and takes my hand into his at my words of disbelief.
"we're back, garlic clove. all summer long."
i press my cheek against my shoulder in an attempt to hide my proud smile,
but nothing can obscure this elation;
it's painted in bright colors on my expression.
"we should celebrate tonight!"
i offer with a nearly childish tone.
"i'd love to. what 'cha got in mind?"
"my dads making his infamous clam cakes if you'd like to come by and have some with me. i remember how much you loved them. maybe you can help me unpack too. lord knows i'll need all the hands i can get."
my smile falls the moment eddie drops my hand and leans away from me,
wearing an awkward smile on his lips.
i consider taking back my words in hopes of gaining his hands back into mine.
"oh, i don't know, y/n."
"come on! it'd be nice to have you there."
still,
he shakes his head.
"things have changed since you left, y/n...a lot."
"i know. but...but that doesn't mean anything. my dad doesn't care."
eddie's face scrunches up,
then quickly falls when he realizes it's me sitting across from him,
drinking in his discomfort.
"maybe another time, y/n."
i don't want to ruin this reunion,
so i press no further.
i simply nod,
keep my smile up,
and say
"okay."
eddie's smile returns but it's dull around the edges this time.
i pretend not to notice.
i pretend it's not making my stomach tighten into knots.
i pretend i'm not yearning for his hand in mine,
for his clever compliments,
for us to be eight and carefree again.
"we should go,"
he suggests while clearing his throat.
i only nod my head in reply.
"i'll walk you home."
i go to take him up on the offer,
until the unease in his tone becomes too clear to ignore.
"no, that's okay. i'll find my way."
"you sure? i really don't mind."
i give him a smile over my shoulder and nod.
"i'm sure."
we walk a little further out of the woods in complete silence until he groans.
"i messed it up, didn't i? i messed this whole thing up."
he buries his head in his hands dramatically,
earning a giggle from my lips.
"no, not at all. nothing could have ruined this. it's been amazing to see you again, eddie."
"there's just a lot that happened. we'll get into later, i promise. but for now...just meet me halfway?"
i don't know what kinds of things eddie has done these last few years,
but i do know the child that lingers within.
and that's enough for me to reach out with my pinky extended and promise,
"i'll meet you halfway."
he thaws out under my reassurance and links his pinky with mine,
sealing the promise.
"you and i will celebrate tonight. mark my words."
we're completely out of the woods now,
back to civilian life.
"yeah? when?"
"you'll see, y/n l/n. when the time is right."
i go to ask what that means but the mischief glowing in his eyes makes it hard to.
keeping this a mystery makes it all the more enticing.
***
dinner with my estranged father in one word:
awkward.
so painfully awkward.
i would have preferred to watch paint dry than to sit at that table with a man who i know nothing of,
no matter how good those clam cakes were.
i wonder if it felt like an eternity for him too.
if he sat at the other end of that table and thought,
"please, god, make time go faster."
it was nearly unbearable.
and if i have to guess,
i think he hurried off to bed earlier due to the disaster of a dinner it was.
when our mouths weren't full,
the silence was tangible;
like i could thread my fingers through the tension.
then he attempted to fill it with information about what he used to cook tonight,
how he cooked it.
each word was worst than the last.
but the torture didn't end there.
it only got worse when my father cleared his throat to ask,
"so...your mom got remarried?"
how did he even find out about that?
"she sent me an invite,"
he explained as though the horror on my face could be read.
"why?"
he shrugs.
"your mom and i were best friends before we were married. we always will be."
my mother was crueler than i gave her credit for:
i'm throwing our love away and taking our byproduct of it with me.
by the way,
i've fallen in love with someone else!
wanna come see?
"is he good to you?"
i rarely saw my stepdad,
if that's even what he could be considered.
"yeah. he's an okay guy."
i scurried off to bed quickly after that godawful conversation,
and i now sit in wait for eddie munson.
all of the disastrous dinner aches leave my body at the reminder of him.
i am left clueless on how he'll arrive or how i'll know,
but i'm excited to see what he comes up with.
i'm just excited that he remembered me and after all this time,
still seeks my company.
i've changed my outfit to better suit this late night celebration,
whatever it may be.
and i must admit:
i've done my hair up and spritzed a little perfume on me for eddie.
i hope he notices.
i don't know what's going on with my brain.
barely twenty-four hours in this town and i'm already trying my hardest for a boy i remember being gap-toothed and shorthaired.
not this man who's emerged from childhood into something god-like.
with his grown out hair,
sharpened jawline,
defined cheekbones,
breathtaking smile.
i sigh to myself like a lovesick woman and fall onto the mattress.
what is happening to me?
my wondering mind is cut short when there's a steady sound of tapping at my window.
faint and light,
barely even there.
if it weren't so silent in this room,
i might've never heard it.
at first,
i brush it off as nothing more than rain.
until it continues to grow louder and a thought hits me:
eddie?
i rush to the window and open it,
where eddie munson stands below with a wide smile.
"there she is! thought you'd fallen asleep on me."
"are you kidding? i've waited ten years for this."
eddie brings his hands up and looks around,
"well? let's hurry along before another year passes us."
i laugh quietly as i carefully step on the ledge of my window,
angling myself just right so that i don't fall.
eddie rushes to take my hand and ease me down,
almost like a perfect gentleman.
i have to fight the smile begging to break at my lips now that our hands are together again.
when i'm flat on the ground,
eddie and i run through the quiet night with only the sounds of our breathing and stifled laughter to fill the silence.
his hand still hasn't left mine,
and i hope it never does.
if it were to entwine itself into me forever,
i think i'd be okay with that.
the night air engulfs us into its sweet summer embrace and threatens to never spit us back out.
i want to stay in this moment for the rest of my life;
eighteen,
in the hands of a boy i never forgot and never will,
in this humid bliss.
eddie stops short after a while more of running off our adrenaline.
"remember this?"
we're standing still on the edge of the only body of water in this town.
my cheeks hurt from how much i've been smiling tonight.
"how could i ever forget?"
i lean down and pick up a rock that glides across the surface of the lake.
eddie follows in my wake,
doing the very same thing.
"you know you were the first one to teach me how to do this?"
"really?"
i nod my head with quiet laughter.
"mhm. i was only pretending i knew how to skip rocks when we first came out here. then you actually taught me."
"you picked it up pretty easy. i thought i'd just been giving you pointers."
we laugh alongside one another as the lake wind kisses our skin.
it makes me shiver.
"are you cold?"
i shake my head.
"no, no. i'm alright."
eddie narrows his eyes at me then breaks into a smile.
"you're cold."
he shrugs the jacket off his back and wraps it around my shoulders.
i settle into it rather quickly and realize i was cold,
after all.
it's warm from eddie's wear and smells just like him.
though the purity of it is now tainted with the smell of cigarette smoke,
it is eddie munson in his entirety.
after a while of silently settling in one another's company,
no matter how bizarre it still feels,
eddie leans over to say,
"so, what's the new and improved y/n l/n like?"
i shrug and take a seat on the ground,
where eddie joins at my side.
my fingers graze the surface of the water as i talk,
"i don't know. i'm still the same."
his eyes are on me for a while before he says,
"not the exact same."
i don't need him to explain what he means.
a blush crawls up from my chest and covers me crimson.
i'm glad for the dark,
so that eddie doesn't see how bashful i've fallen.
it's true that i've shed the body of an eight year old,
to be replaced with one more fitting for a eighteen year old whose lived an entire life.
"judas priest, huh?"
i say in an attempt to distract myself from this suffocating timidness,
smoothing my thumb over the glossy surface of the pin on eddie's jacket.
he smiles.
"you into 'em?"
"you've got another thing coming,"
i sing playfully.
eddie lowers his head with a laugh at my antics,
which influences a laugh of my own to rise.
"i'm more of an abba girl, though."
"i figured. that or blondie"
i nudge him at the remark.
"who doesn't love blondie?"
"i'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that,"
eddie sings in a dramatic falsetto now.
i can do nothing but bury my head into my hands and giggle.
i hear him join in with me and i realize how natural this feels;
like an old habit,
to laugh in unison with eddie.
when our breaths have settled and our smiles are still being worn,
i lean over to ask,
"can you play?"
"guitar? yeah."
i nod in understanding and allow myself a moment to imagine eddie picking up the instrument for the first time.
did he strum the chords and feel a calling to it?
did he have blisters on his fingertips that first week of learning?
how long did it take for him to play his first song?
i have all these questions and nobody to answer them.
eddie is closed shut about what happened after i left,
so i keep my lips closed to prevent bursting over with curiosity.
i let the image of this gap-toothed boy holding a hefty guitar and smiling joyfully at the music he's brought to life settle within me.
"maybe i can get you to play some stevie nicks for me one day."
eddie snickers at my choice of musician but nods his head in agreement.
"if it's stevie nicks you want, that's what you'll get."
i look over the water to see the moon reflecting on its surface.
how bright and beautiful,
much like this rekindling friendship beside me.
i picture eddie sitting me on the edge of his bed while he plays a song for me on his guitar.
i'll watch as his faces draws up in pure concentration,
i'll watch the steady movement of his fingers bringing the notes to life,
i'll watch his eyes gloss over me while he dedicates it to me.
i find myself blushing again so i hurry to find a distraction.
"do you like metallica?"
eddie looks to me with raised eyebrows.
"do i like-yes, of course!"
it was a stupid question,
in hindsight.
"aren't you going to sing a little song for me?"
he asks teasingly.
"only if you'll sing it with me."
then like we've read each other's minds,
which is another habit that's been kept tucked away until this moment,
eddie and i open our mouths to sing the very same song,
"never cared for what they do.
never care for what they know.
but i know."
off-key and absolutely lacking in talent,
we finish off our ballad with laughter pouring from our lips and filling up the night out.
"it's nice to have you back, my dancing queen."
i take the sentiment in with a smile then lean my head to his shoulder.
it's an old action,
but something about it makes my throat tighten with nerves.
this might've been an innocent action with eight year old eddie,
but now it feels painted over with some sort of longing;
a yearning act of affection.
eddie says nothing,
he only lays his head on top of mine.
"hey, y/n?"
eddie whispers in the silence.
"yeah?"
"during the summer...if you decide you don't want to be around me any longer, just know i'll be okay with it. you don't owe me anything."
i grab eddie's hand into mine and squeeze it reassuringly,
like i used to do as children when he came to me crying because he'd gotten yelled at,
and i say,
"it's our last summer. i won't leave you again, eddie."
"until the summer ends."
i can hear the disheartened tone laced into his words.
"yeah...until the summer ends."
and every day after that,
because you are all i'll ever think about.

eddie and i walked alongside one another in the dead of the night,
trying to contain our laughter that threatened to waken the entire neighborhood.
his jacket was still entangled into my limbs and i found myself dreading the moment we reached my front door and i'd have to rid myself of it.
what i wouldn't do to keep it as a reminder of this beautiful boy i know.
"do you like georgia?"
eddie asks as he follows a crack in the road on the tips of his toes.
"it's too hot. i've also seen enough dixie flags to last a lifetime."
eddie makes a gagging noise at the image of the waving southern pride.
i giggle at the reaction,
considering it mirrors my very own.
"can't pretend it's any better here. the devout jesus-freaks have taken over."
"not a religious person, eddison?"
he rolls his eyes then puts a hand over his heart.
"only the most religious. i love organized religion."
the facade falls the moment i burst into laughter and he's forced to join me.
i fear we'll wake up the houses we're passing,
but it feels almost worth it;
to have eyewitnesses prove that this divine moment with eddie munson is happening and is mine to enjoy.
"my grandma used to make me get up every sunday morning for church."
"yeah? how awful was that?"
i giggle then shake my head.
"i figured it was the least i could do since she let me live with her."
"you lived with her? what about your mom?"
i keep my eyes trained on the twinkling stars above us and swallow the lump in my throat.
how could i have been so careless?
"yeah, my mom and i lived with her for a while,"
i hurry to say.
then i bring my eyes back down to meet with him and smile.
"i wish i could stay out here forever."
eddie rests his chin on my shoulder for no more than a second,
then eases past me to say,
"what do you need forever for when we have all summer?"
i smile and let the blood collect to my shoulder where his chin once laid;
it's warm there now,
blessed by his divine touch.
"how will i know you've gotten home safe, bunson burner?"
eddie walks backwards on his trek home,
passes me a smile,
then says,
"like you always did, garlic clove."
i wave goodbye but don't move from my spot until he disappears from my line of sight.
it's not until i've successfully snuck back into my room that i realize i'm still wrapped up into eddie's jacket.
i clamber into bed with it still on my back and sleep better than i have in years.
a decade,
to be exact.