our last summer. (e.m)

seventeen: healing one kiss at a time.

once i'm full on my fathers home cooked love,
i find solace in my bed again.
tomorrow,
i remind myself.
all i need is tonight.
silence settles upon the house,
until it's soon interrupted by a knocking at my window.
despite my vow of solitude,
i'm nearly falling apart during my walk to the window in promise of who lies on the other end.
"y/n,"
eddie says through a breath of relief.
a look of worry clouds those beautiful irises.
i suppose i look worse than i imagined.
i turn back around to find my bed again,
leaving eddie to follow in my silent permission of his entering.
i'm wrapped up into my covers when i feel the bed sink under eddie's added weight.
his hands wrap around me and pull me in tight.
we settle into each other before he whispers,
"alright, chiquita. tell me what's wrong."
how easily i crack.
i manage a smile for the first time in hours.
it aches against my cheeks and pulls at my cracked lips,
but bringing it forward for eddie makes the pain tolerable.
when i don't say anything,
eddie mutters out a slight joke,
"i think i called you a total of seventeen times today."
"only seventeen?"
we laugh as i trace the stitching on his shirt;
a habit coming alive in my fingertips.
"i called you yesterday,"
i state dumbly.
he pulls back to look at me with sympathetic eyes before he speaks.
"did you? i'm sorry. i must've been out with wayne."
"it's okay. you're here now."
he kisses my temple and agrees,
"i'm here now."
i appreciate how my breach of silence hasn't given him means to press for an answer.
this is only one of many traits eddie possesses that i adore with the entirety of myself:
his patience.
if i do not talk,
he will not beg for an answer.
"sorry i didn't pick up either."
"you don't have to be sorry, y/n. i'm just glad you're alive."
"my name sounds so serious when you say it."
eddie runs a caress up and down my back,
silently soothing me,
as he chuckles.
"i'm sorry."
"...i think my name belongs to you."
eddie is silent for another moment under my confession,
until he whispers,
"i'll keep your name and you can keep my heart. it's belonged to you since the beginning, anyways."
i can hear the faint beats of his heart as i lay here now.
i sink a little further into him before i finally shed my vulnerable self and tell him the truth of what's unfolded in our time apart.
the events that followed the wicked man my mother married, 
my mother severing my soul,
how my father came to find out,
the conversation that filled the space between us.
eddie seems to hold me a little tighter with each new word spoken.
i can feel his drive to keep me protected from what's already damaged me,
and i know how heavy it will weigh on him.
he doesn't say anything the entire time i speak,
which feels like forever.
my voice grows hoarse and cracks under the continuous strain,
but i persist in hopes speaking of it will make it hurt less.
it doesn't.
but knowing eddie is here to hold me does help to make it less suffocating.
"i don't know. my dad and i are better than we've ever been but...but knowing my mom did that to me, to him, it's sickening. it doesn't even feel real. like that was someone else, not my...my mother."
all eddie can do is press a kiss to the top my head.
i know he needs a moment of silence to collect his thoughts,
but in the mean time he's offering me soft comfort.
i become immersed into it without hesitation;
i will give him his time.
"your dad, he won't...he won't make you go back there, will he?"
the question that's been pounding at my head since the moment everything unraveled.
the possibilities are infinite,
if i think hard enough.
but none of them are worth putting my exhausted mind through.
if i could even get my thoughts to extend beyond this blanket of bliss i'm enveloped in;
the protection of eddie's embrace.
"i don't know,"
i admit.
because despite how much i wish my father might fight tooth and nail for me,
that is not who he is.
i don't believe that's who he'll ever be.
we have bonded over boys and troubled pasts,
but is that enough for him to grant me stay?
to consider me a daughter worth keeping?
"he can't just-just make you go back."
i don't say anything.
my tongue won't lift from its resting spot in my mouth,
my words won't work past the thought of:
eddie munson,
eddie munson,
eddie munson.
he is all i want to think about right now.
i believe it will always feel that way, too.
"he just...he can't. no, i won't let it happen."
i smile at his vehemence,
because my brain is much too tired to do anything else,
while i plant a kiss to the column of his heavenly throat.
"i don't think there's much we can do."
"we'll figure something out—anything! you can-you can stay with me and wayne until we, i don't know, find our own place or something."
i open my mouth to speak,
to fall bashful at his idea of us living under one roof,
but eddie has claimed priority by hovering over me to shape his hands against my cheeks in the way i've grown so familiar with.
"please...i can't let you walk away again. not into that."
"everyone would talk...they'd call you a damn fool for being with me, for living with me."
eddie kisses my nose when he says,
"then a damn fool i'll be."
a tear has fallen down from the corner of my eye.
i don't realize until eddie's thumb has collected it and made it disappear.
"i don't know."
is all i can whisper.
because it is true.
i don't know.
as much as i would love to have my life planned from the very moment i wake up,
i am left with nothing.
i don't know what will happen to eddie and i when the summer sun bleeds into an autumn chill.
i don't know what will become of my father and i when i board that plane back to a home that no longer welcomes me.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
the breath gets caught in my lungs and threatens to never leave at this thought.
what might become of me if i never grant another breath of air to slip past my lips?
might i finally know then?
"i need you to breathe, my love."
eddie is calm when he speaks as though it's nothing more than a normal situation;
like i am not robbing myself of life and forcing him to watch.
beneath his caress to my sallow skin,
i fill my lungs back up with the air around me under eddie's request.
his scent settles well within me and reminds me why i'm here,
after all this time.
when he listens to the rush of life return to my body,
he presses a kiss to the center of my forehead and lingers there for a moment.
i cannot stop myself from collapsing.
a sob slips from my diaphragm and hangs in the air between us.
when his head rests atop of mine,
his words are gentle.
"i would do anything to make your hurt go away, green girl. anything. you know that right?"
i nod my head since i can't do much else past these cries in my throat.
"i would torch that city down for you. i would pack all my stuff and start somewhere new with you. i would learn every blondie song ever made for you...anything if it meant making this hurt less."
he uses the curve of his palm to dry my soaked cheeks as i hoarsely ask,
"would you shave your head again?"
eddie chuckles in relief that my sense of humor has not been lost.
what a wonderful sight it is to see his smile.
"don't push your luck."
i watch the relief bloom in his eyes at the sound of my laugh,
though it is quiet,
it's enough for him to stay content.
"for you, though? absolutely. let it all come off if that's what it'll take."
i smile and give my head a shake.
"no, i like it long. you look like van halen."
"we share the same name, too."
"might as well be cousins,"
i say,
earning a laugh from the depths of our tired bodies.
eddie stills snickers as he plants tiny pecks down my entire face.
"i love you,"
he finally says as his lips brush mine.
"i know nothing but you. you are all i think about."
he brings me closer into him,
taunting me with the curve of his lips,
then says in a breath,
"you are everything to me."
finally,
we become one.
i lose myself in the embrace of eddie munson and feel the strength that left me depleted now soothe my sore muscles.
the perfect antidote to any of life's hurt can be found in my lover.
i never want to part from eddie's firm arms that keep me grounded.
i never want to part from his sweet, euphoric lips that heal me like a gods nectar.
i never want to be without him again.
eddie moves his lips from mine to gently kiss the soft spot under my jawline.
i shiver under it while my hands respond by gliding up his back,
his skin to mine.
my palm becomes familiar with the ridges of his spine while he makes way down my neck,
leaving me breathless for more.
when i feel his body settle in the open space between my legs,
i cannot help but to gasp out,
"eddie."
i feel his breath graze the skin against my collarbone in what seems like pleasure,
but he quickly pulls himself away from me entirely.
eddie decides to sit on the edge of my bed now,
allowing us a moment to regain our breath.
"i'm sorry,"
i say in a laugh,
reaching over for his arm.
"don't be sorry...i'm sorry. that was awful timing."
eddie looks at me over his shoulder to lets out a laugh before he sighs out,
"god, you're going to be the death of me."
"mm, i hope not."
he crawls back beside me then wraps an arm around my waist.
"i'm sorry. i got a little carried away,"
he repeats while i lay my head back to my rightful spot on his chest.
"i wasn't trying to rush you or anything."
"i didn't feel rushed. you're okay,"
i say to relieve him of his guilt.
neither of us are at fault for the heated moment,
only able to blame our stimulated hearts wanting for more.
"you're intoxicating. that's all."
"what a man of words,"
i proclaim dramatically.
"mm, isn't he?"
eddie mocks as we meet for one more kiss,
if it is only ever one more.
i giggle against his lips while feeling the strength find home in my bones all over again.
the events of the night have left me worn,
but i am finding my spirit again in eddie's embrace.
i find myself soon longing to fall asleep,
but also pushing it off so that i might have a few more minutes with this divine man i love.
"go to sleep. i'll be here when you wake up,"
he promises as though he's read my mind.
i smile and fall placid under his permission.
as soon as my eyes are closed and eddie has planted kisses to my eyelids,
i fall under.
***
i wake up feeling as light as i've ever felt before.
the events of last night don't even cross my mind the moment my eyes open because with me,
is eddie munson.
he's fast asleep beside me,
hair sprawled out on my pillow like it belongs there.
snores escape from slightly parted lips while his hands unconsciously search for me in my wake.
i let my finger gently caress down his sharp cheekbone which forces his eyes to flutter open.
"what are you, a serial killer? watching me sleep,"
he mumbles while turning his body away from me,
though his grin is not to go unnoticed.
i cast an embrace against his backside and rest my chin to his shoulder.
"so grumpy in the morning."
"i haven't had breakfast."
i exhale a laugh then tuck it away into the crook of his neck,
where his skin vibrates under my expression of cheer.
eddie holds the nape of my neck while moving his head to kiss my cheek.
"we should."
"should what?"
i ask.
eddie's eyes glisten with enamor as he clarifies,
"get breakfast."
"like, together? go out together and get it?"
he snickers while tugging on a strand of my hair.
"don't sound so surprised."
i hadn't meant to.
but having eddie offer to venture out with me in the daylight,
together,
through all his worries is rather surprising.
"is eddie munson asking me on a proper date?"
eddie palms my face in an attempt to quiet me,
but it only makes us rise with laughter.
i take his wrist to move his hand away from my face,
where it then falls to my collarbone.
the pad of his thumb traces circles against the bone there now.
"i think you deserve at least that."
"i'd love to."
though the hour is too early,
so we'll pass the time by sitting in this bed together,
listening to only each other's soothing voices.
i'm curled into eddie's shoulder now,
my hand lying flat against his abdomen,
when i ask,
"eddie...did you know my mom had, um...had an affair?"
he grows silent like he might be debating on filling up on the truth,
but ultimately decides to.
"yeah...i heard about it a few months after you left."
his lips are to my forehead before he even finishes speaking.
i manage a smile at his appeasement,
though it is only so wide.
"i never knew."
"it was probably better that way,"
eddie offers,
but all i can do is shrug.
"i don't know if i can ever forgive her. for this...for what she did to him."
"you don't have to. not today, at least."
eddie threads his hand in with mine as he says this,
then peppers my knuckles with kisses when he's finished.
"i know you'd like to have a solution right now, but how about we just get something to eat instead? and then, once we're full and barely hanging on to consciousness, we'll figure something out."
together?
you promise?
i go to ask,
but am prevented by this prideful tongue of mine.
though it seems the question arises in my eyes because eddie kisses me slowly,
then nods to say,
"together. you and me."
"even if it means crowding up your bedroom?"
him and i chuckle,
but there's no sense of falsity in his tone when he answers,
"especially if it means crowding up my bedroom."
eddie is right.
i don't have to know.
i don't have to have a solution right now.
i will, though, have this love to take what is poisoned inside of me and make me whole again;
to make me someone better than i was before.
that is enough encouragement to get out of bed.
i will find a solution to this damning problem.
but for now,
i'll slip into the morning fog with my lover in tow while we smile at each other over a warm plate of breakfast.
i don't know what the future holds,
but this makes for a wonderful start.