our last summer. (e.m)

twelve: heaven's fallen angel.

i cleanse myself of the sunscreen that's baked into my skin and along with it,
i scrub off the stickiness of this town.
maybe eddie was right,
as much as i hate to admit it.
the only reason i love this town is because i wasn't here to see the change.
in my mind,
it was preserved in its prime for the last decade.
but since my return,
i've seen the layers of it's promising beauty be peeled back to reveal ugly, bitter natures.
eddie hasn't talked to me in nearly two weeks.
our last summer and the plans we've made have fallen through;
slipped right through our fingers.
to make matters worse,
i'll return home in a few weeks.
the thought nearly makes me double over in agony;
to scratch at my collapsing chest and wail.
i hurry to get out of the shower and change before that happens.
my father has decided to do something special with me tonight.
no more home cooked dinners that become lunch the next day,
because tonight we're going out to dine at hawkins finest.
wherever that may be.
i know he's only planning this in hopes it'll distract me from my heartaches,
but i don't mind it.
i'll pretend i'm not gutted in eddie's absence and he'll pretend like my presence isn't a painful reminder of what he's lost.
perhaps we'll even have a good time.
it's true that my father and i have found moments of bonding these last few days.
but nothing could hide the trace of infliction that dulls his eyes.
"you ready?"
my father asks as we meet in the kitchen.
he's freshly showered and wearing the same cologne that's doused in my childhood.
i smile when i say,
"yep."
"you look beautiful, clover."
he gives my shoulder that paternal touch as he passes by me to retrieve his keys.
"also, your grandma called."
my heart sinks to the lowest point it can go.
oh, god.
i think i'm going to be sick.
"she said you haven't called to check in yet. would you mind doing that before we leave?"
my voice wavers when i speak,
"that's all she said?"
"mhm, just about. why? is everything alright?"
"yeah, yeah. just wondering."
i hurry to find the phone and pick it up with shaky hands.
when my grandmother picks up on the third ring,
the southern accent i know so well comes as a comfort.
i don't realize how much i've missed it until now.
"well, look who decided to call! hey, sweetheart."
"hi, grandma."
my smile is genuine now and the shakes have left my body at the reminder she's here.
even if it's just in spirit.
"how's that hick town treating you?"
"no worse than your hick town,"
i tease.
"dad and i have been getting close so...it's not bad."
i can practically see her clutching her chest in awe at what i've said.
"awe, pumpkin, that's so good to hear. i've been praying for y'all and jesus always delivers! have you been praying?"
i lie,
"yes ma'am. every night before i sleep, before every meal, and every chance in between."
she laughs heartily at this.
"you know it's a sin to lie, now. don't worry. i'll send up enough prayers for us both."
"sounds good,"
i say with a laugh of my own.
talking to her has always been like lifting a weight off my chest.
but she's a woman of business,
just like her daughter.
so she wastes no time in asking me,
"you told your father what's happened yet?"
"no ma'am,"
i admit in a low whisper.
"well, hun, i know it's hard but...but he deserves to know. don't you think?"
"i mean, yeah, but he's still so in love with her. to tell him what happened...that's devastating. i don't want to hurt him."
the line goes silent and for a moment,
i think she's hung up.
until she says,
"people change, sweetheart. that's a fact that's hard to face, but a fact still. your fathers no stranger to devastation, alright? he just wants to see his babygirl safe."
"i am safe...with you."
i wish i could hug her right now.
what that wouldn't fix.
"and you always will be. but that's your daddy! the one man you should be able to trust in this life. aside from our eternal father, of course."
"yeah...you're right. i'll tell him soon, i promise."
"and you'll call me when you do?"
i smile into the phone at how caring she is.
"yes ma'am. i'll call you when i do."
"alright now. be safe. i love you."
"bye, grandma. love you more."
she kisses the phone and makes me giggle before we hang up.
then i find my father lingering by the front door.
"ready?"
he asks when he sees me.
"ready."
and to dinner we go.
the whole time my grandmothers words are what i focus on.
but instead of taking her advice and delving into that very uncomfortable conversation,
i instead ask my father,
"have you ever fallen in love? besides with mom."
he inhales sharply at the question but soon nods.
"yeah. in high school."
when i ask him about this time before my mother,
he tells me the relationship had been as long term as it could have been for two high schoolers,
but they decided to break up for college.
she wanted the experience and he needed the focus.
"it made me a better boyfriend to your mother, though. i learned a lot and grew as a person. i wasn't prepared well enough for marriage though."
"don't say that,"
i say with with shake of my head.
how has she convinced him of his guilt?
"no, no, it's true. marriage had always been a worrisome thought for me so, i psyched myself out when the time came. guess it was because my parents marriage was..."
he whistles and shakes his head.
"a rocky one, to say the least. my father was a serial cheater and my mother was an angry woman. rightfully so, but you know. that doesn't bode so well in child raising."
i try not to wear the face of shock so clearly.
my poor father.
how many times will life continuously be cruel to him?
"do you always find a reason for peoples behavior?"
my father sips his water before he answers,
"there is always a reason."
"not always a valid one."
he shrugs.
"maybe not. but who am i to decide that?"
his line of thinking is so simple.
i would kill to have that ability;
to turn off the overthinking and replace it with simplicity.
i open my mouth to tell him about my mother,
but close it instantly.
this is dinner with my father.
i won't ruin it by bringing up her sinful name.
it will just have to wait.
what's one more day?
***
tap tap tap.
i didn't know it'd started raining.
it must be coming down pretty hard then,
considering how easily i was awakened.
tap tap tap.
the rain makes me think of eddie.
does the sound of heavens fallen tears remind him of me, too?
tap tap tap.
i sit up straight in my bed once i realize.
that's not rain,
that's eddie munson.
of course i open my window for him.
"what are you doing here?"
i ask in a harsh whisper,
equal parts relieved to see him and angry he's interrupted my slumber.
rain has embedded itself into his clothes,
gleaming against his flawless skin and soaking his hair.
i fight the urge to reach out and warm up this shivering boy i've yet to learn to let go of.
finally,
he speaks with desperation,
"don't date reed. please."
"you have no right to tell me that."
eddie lowers his head in shame.
"i know, y/n. believe me, i know. i just can't stand the thought of you with him or-or with anyone for that matter. but please, not him. anyone but him."
my breathing quickens the more my anger increases.
how dare he?
how dare he leave me behind only to bring me back in when i've tried to move on?
"what do you want from me, eddie?"
i cry out.
"i can't keep letting you do this to me. it hurts so bad."
my voice quivers as i admit this to him,
clutching at my chest where the dull ache resides;
increased by a tenfold in his presence.
"i am either enough for you in my entirety or not at all."
"green girl, you are more than enough."
eddie offers a small box to my windowsill and says,
"you have always been enough and you always will be."
he sits still for a second longer with his saddened eyes trained on me,
then he gives me a parting smile before he stalks off into the night.
i take the box into my hands,
sit against my bed and unfold the letter on top.