our last summer. (e.m)

ten: returning what i've borrowed.

it was real.
eddie hadn't been lying,
eddie hadn't been pretending or being dramatic.
him leaving me behind was real.
so real in fact,
when i saw him the next day,
i went to ask him about what it was that happened,
and all he did was walk away.
he didn't look at me or even acknowledge my existence.
almost as if i meant nothing to him.
then i'd gotten home in a fit of anger,
picked that phone off the hook and nearly tore the dial off the wall when turning his numbers.
a woman answered and when i asked for eddie,
she replied with,
"oh, god. you're the second person to ask me if he lives here. no, that family moved away decades ago."
recollection smacked me across the face with heavy hands:
eddie doesn't live across the street anymore.
i'd dialed that number because my brain fried from fury had forgotten he moved.
maybe he had been right when he told me i didn't know how much things had changed.
he was somebody unrecognizable now,
with his whiplash of emotions.
one minute i'm his best friend and he's never been happier,
the next i need to stay away and he gets to discard of me.
it is unfair,
the way i allow him to treat me this way.
while he gets to pull me in and out as he pleases,
i've played along.
i've become a puppet and he is tugging on my strings.
lift your arm up, green girl!
dance, garlic clove!
now, give your heart to me so i can crush it!
this woe is quickly festering into rage.
i want to scream until my lungs burst.
i want to shout until my throat becomes raw in protest.
i want to shatter every reminder of him,
i want to burn this town and let the memory of him float up with the smoke.
i do not want to hurt anymore.
and even through all of these conflicting emotions,
i still feel the relief bloom in my body at night,
telling me eddie has come home safe.
i don't want that ability anymore.
i want to rid myself of it and rid myself of everything eddie has ingrained into me.
this love i have for him,
it's overwhelming.
i have come to admit it.
i am in love with eddie munson and i think i might have always been.
it's no secret that i have love for him,
but being in love is something completely different.
now here i am,
addicted to a boy who has tossed me aside like i am nothing.
i'm writhing in this pain,
like my body is being dipped into acid and left to dry.
i just want my eddie back.
even though i could put his head through the wall,
at least we would be together again.
and as i sit on the floor of my bedroom,
forcing myself to keep the tears reeled in,
i hear a knock on the front door.
i wait for my father to answer before i remember that he's left.
he was headed to the library and asked if i wanted to join,
but i declined on the account of my deteriorating body.
i lumber down the stairs to answer it where lo and behold:
eddie munson is standing before me.
i nearly crumble to my knees and thank the gods above for bringing him back.
this last week without him has been absolutely horrific.
"eddie,"
i say in a breath of relief.
i wait for him to smile,
to apologize for what ever it was that happened,
to say something.
did he feel my revelation?
in his heart,
did the words of my enamored confession reach him?
and is he here to return my love?
i realize i have taken up the role of being his puppet again.
all he had to do was knock on my front door,
and i've fallen all over again.
"i need my jacket."
the words stun me.
they turn my mouth dry.
this isn't at all what i'd been expecting him to say.
"what?"
i ask through the cracks in my throat.
"my jacket, you still have it. i need it."
i can't help but to laugh at his selfishness.
doesn't he see how undone i'm becoming in his absence?
doesn't he care?
i march up the stairs,
find his jacket that never left my bedside,
then i throw it at him.
"here, asshole! i hope you rot in hell, you selfish son of a bitch. i hate you!"
i slam the door after the words of blinded rage have left my mouth and are cemented between us.
i lean against the door and find my breath again.
my adrenaline settles to become replaced with guilt.
what have i said?
none of what i said is true and i need him to know that.
i open the door in hopes eddie is still standing there,
so i can utter an apology for my words even though he doesn't deserve it,
but he's gone.
really gone this time.
the phone rings and interrupts my pity party before it even really begins.
i wipe the tears i didn't realize had fallen and answer it with,
"hello?"
"y/n? it's reed."
i resist the urge to groan into the phone.
this is not what i need right now.
i only have myself to blame for this.
"do you want to do something tonight?"
i know i owe him.
i lean my sweltering forehead against the wall,
close my eyes,
and inhale a lungful of air.
i could use this.
and i deserve it, right?
it's still summer.
why should i waste it mourning over eddie when he's already taken ten years of my life,
only to leave me deserted?
he doesn't even care about me anymore.
so why should i still care for him?
"y/n?"
"sorry. yes,"
i answer hurriedly.
"let's do something."
i can hear the smile in his voice when he speaks again,
"great. i'll pick you up at eight. sound good?"
"sounds great, reed. i'll see you soon."
we hang up after and though i should feel excited,
maybe even relieved,
i can't help but to wonder what eddie might think of this.
would he denounce me forever?
would he spit at my feet for this betrayal?
then i remember:
he's already betrayed me.
he has left me without an explanation.
what do i owe him?
i prepare myself for the date and tell my father i'm heading out the moment i hear reed's car outside.
he stops me and says,
"be safe, please. and...clover?"
"yeah?"
"i'm here if you ever need an old ear to listen, okay?"
i give him a gentle smile while i nod my head.
"thanks."
he waves goodbye and i hurry to meet reed out front.
he opens the passenger door for me then closes it the moment i'm completely in.
the car smells like cologne,
but the smell of stale beer can not be mistaken.
it's cemented into the carpet of his car.
i wonder how many football game wins have been celebrated in this vehicle,
how many of his teammates have puked here,
or how many times they've bullied someone and piled in here to laugh at it.
the thought is interrupted before it goes any further.
"you look beautiful."
i smile at his compliment.
"thank you. you look good, too."
reed chuckles and i notice a hue of pink grazes his cheeks.
"you think so?"
"mhm,"
i return while i nod my head.
the air is charged with the nerves of a first date.
both of us laugh at our shy actions,
we bat our eyes at one another,
and we boldly let our skin brush.
reed is not at all what i thought he might be.
he tells me of his stories living in hawkins.
they are tame compared to what i assumed they'd be.
he's sweet and he's disciplined.
he is sure in his decisions,
unlike eddie.
stop,
don't even think about him.
i remind myself.
but how can i break a decade old habit?
everyday has been spent thinking of eddie,
am i meant to let that go so soon?
and if so,
why does it hurt so much?
i shake my head of the thought then turn my attention back to handsome, kind, generous reed.
he pulls into a drive-in movie,
parks the car,
and turns to me with a stunning smile.
"your turn,"
he says.
i tilt my head in inquiry.
"for what?"
"to talk."
him and i laugh together at this.
then he runs a hand through his hair,
attentively listening while i tell him about georgia.
he tells me he's visited before and how i'm right about the sweet peaches they sell.
"i haven't had one in forever but, god, they're good."
then we settle into silence once the movie begins.
the tension returns in a tenfold this time.
through my peripheral,
i watch as he steals a glance then quickly turns his attention back to the movie.
i have to keep from smiling every time he does this at risk of blowing my cover.
soon he grazes his hand over mine,
lets our skin turn hot under the action,
then entwines them together.
i settle into the embrace in all its innocence,
finding that i can no longer focus on the movie,
but instead fixate on the fact he is holding my hand.
it's warm and calloused with his years of work,
both in football and manual labor,
and it's reed.
a question flashes across my mind before i can turn it away:
what does holding eddie's hand feel like?
what do i need to know that for?
i'm holding reed's hand,
not eddie's.
reed knows what he wants,
and it's me.
i don't have to question it because i can feel it,
the way i never could with eddie.
i let reed kiss me that night.
he kisses me like i'm nutrients and he has spent the better half of his life being starved.
he kisses me like i am the last bit of oxygen this world has to offer.
he kisses me like i'm the dying sun and he's the shining moon.
i feel his need and i hurry to satisfy his craving.
but it doesn't seem to be enough.
reed pulls me deeper and deeper into him until i can no longer breathe without tasting his scent.
eddie's face crosses my mind but i push it aside,
focusing only on the boy beneath my lips.
i soon pull back on behalf of my burning lungs.
"everything okay?"
he asks.
i don't tell him i thought about eddie munson while we kissed.
i don't tell him my chest is sore from this misery of eddie's leaving.
"yeah. perfect."
is what i decide to say.
then i grab his hand again and relax into the seat.
"want me to walk you to your door?"
"wow...you're every southern mother's dream come true."
reed laughs while he leans his head against the headrest.
"come on, y/n l/n."
reed opens my door for me then walks to the front door by my side.
i kiss him on the cheek goodbye,
but he sneaks a parting peck on the lips.
i can't help but to laugh at the childish action,
no matter how adorable it might seem.
"have a good time?"
my father asks when i find him lounging on the couch,
a book propped on his lap and reading glasses perched against his nose.
since when has he needed those?
"yeah. he's sweet."
"good. that's what i want to hear."
the endorphins pound against my head as a bout of love swells in my heart for my father.
i've spent the better half of my life harboring quiet resentment for a man who waits up for his daughter to return home from her date.
i know if circumstances had been different,
my father would have been the greatest man in my life.
we would have been the best dancers at the father-daughter events,
we would have raised more money than anyone else for school charities,
we would have been best friends.
though my younger self prods at me from the inside,
reminding me why he was never there,
i find myself ignoring that tiny voice.
that tiny, hurt voice belonging to an eight year old who no longer exists.
"everything alright, clover girl?"
"yeah...just glad to be here."
he gives me a proud smile,
one that i return with ease.
"i'm glad you're here, too."
i make my ascend up the stairs when i hear his voice call,
"oh, clover?"
"yeah?"
"don't worry so much about eddie. he'll come back around."
my heart stops at the words and reminder of him.
does my father know how often we've seen each other?
does he know how my heart laments for eddie?
"i'm not too sure about that,"
i say with a laugh,
though it's a weak attempt at hiding my sorrow.
"you two are best friends. you always have been. nothings going to change that."
i thank him for his kind words then head to sleep with a heavy heart.
the memory of my time with reed offers refuge from these storming thoughts,
but i find better comfort in the chaos.
eddie's name is carved into my heart.
it would bleed in his honor every time we touched,
it would pulsate in the syllables of his name,
and it will forever belong to him.
but in his absence,
the name across my heart is beginning to scar;
thick, white letters etched into the tissue.
with time,
i hope that the scar will fade into nothingness.
i lay in my bed and clutch my chest when the relief fills me from top to bottom,
telling me that eddie is home.
even in the height of my hatred for him,
i am glad he's safe.
wherever home may be for him,
i hope he's happy there.
***
i call nancy that morning.
we gush over the details and even though she finds reed to be foolish,
she still indulges me about our date.
then the topic of conversation turns direction when nancy begins discussing her relationship with johnathan.
i'm glad to know i am not alone in this messy, complicated journey of love.
despite the trouble,
it is worth it to experience the blissful moments that follow.
after hours of talk,
we hang up and i trail downstairs.
my father is outside in the backyard,
pacing slowly as the songs of the birds fill our ears.
the morning dew is still settling in the air;
it sticks to my skin and my hair as i walk out to join him.
"this is the best time of day,"
he says quietly,
a mug of coffee sitting in his hands.
"why's that?"
"you can't find peace and quiet anywhere else like you can right here, right now."
i find that i'm not struggling to find conversation now,
because this moment is dedicated to silence.
it is a sacred moment for us to sit back,
listen to the calls of the world we live on,
and enjoy it for what it is.
i wonder what eddie is doing now.
is he listening to the silence,
or is he letting the silence overcome him?
i know in my heart of hearts eddie is a kind man who does everything out of his own goodwill.
still,
i find anger is tangled in with my respect for him.
i did not deserve to be treated the way i was.
but i can understand it.
which is why i stand in this silence and i don't let it succumb me.
i merely listen,
i feel my fathers presence,
which i have never felt this largely,
and i find peace.