When should I proceed with the arrangements?" I asked the love of my life. She was at her dresser where she loosened her plaited hair. I moved closer to check if she had missed a plait. I stroked back her frizzy hair as I picked up a band to tie up her hair. She did not look up at me.
"Which one of the arrangements?" she asked absentmindedly.
"I do not know why we're even doing this," I said, feeling frustrated.
I backed up and sat on the bed. Laminde played with the knob on her watch. I had no idea what she was thinking. I wish I did. Her expression was blank.
"I still cannot make up my mind," she said. "...whether I would choose the power to turn back time or speed up time."
I saw the exhaustion in her eyes, and for the first time, fear."
"I'd choose to freeze time," I told her, hoping to comfort her.
"I do not want my children to be there. It would be unkind to them," she said. "It is not their fault I have a weak heart."
"Why are we talking about this?" I yelled. "You are being unfair! Where is your faith?"
"Are you questioning my faith?" she asked painfully. "Wow."
I was furious and regretful at the same time, but I hated the way she casually spoke of matters as if we would be fine. As if I would be fine.
I said, "I spoke to Jamila again and we cried our hearts out. Bashir is too young to understand. He is barely three years old."
We were continuously told to be patient, but if only patience was a drink that could quench my anxiety and confusion. It wasn't. I had to endure the crippling uncertainty hoping that time would ease the pain.
