You know when you're paying attention but you're not exactly listening? Your eyes stare directily at the speaker, but your mind is off on it's own?
That was what I was staring at, right now. Addie. Staring right at me with glazed over, white eyes, and a sad looking expression.
"Adds," I sigh, trying to rub her hand. She flinches away.
I rub my face and take a deep breath. "I know you're scared right now. But it wasn't even that bad. C'mon Addie." I try to reason.
Her jaw drops as the words leave my mouth.
Not that bad?" she whispers, looking at me with the same solemn expression.
I shrug.
"What do you mean, "not that bad." The whole school thinks I had sex with every memeber of every sports team we have! Do't you think that's pretty bad?" she screams, hitting my arm with a pillow.
Okay, maybe it's a little bad.
"But you know you didn't. I know you didn't. All our friends know you didn't. I think you're okay."
She just sits there, violently shaking her head, her arms wrapped around herself.
I watch her, wondering where my old girlfriend has gone. The girl sitting in front of me looked to be psychotic. Shaking, and screaming, I didn't know where this Addison has come from.
"Hey," I start in a calming and soothing tone. "It's going to be okay, baby. You're alright." I whisper as I lean in close to intertwine our bodies.
Her face cringes as my body makes contact with hers.
I pull back.
"What, do you think this is my fault?" I question slowly. She blinks up at me slowly.
"Wasn't it you?"
My jaw drops.
I asked her why she thought I would do that to her, I love her.
"Well, I thought you were mad because I broke up with you!" she yells in a duh tone.
I grasped her hand as I looked her dead in the eyes.
"Addie, I would never, ever do that to you. What happened to you was for cruel enjoyment and watch you humiliated. I know you don't love me anymore, but I still love you with everything I have. Every fiber, cell, vein and thought is for you and about you. I would never do that to you. Hear me? Never."
She nods as she starts to cry, wrapping her arms around me. Muffled sobs escape through her mouth.
"I love you," I whisper as I stroke her hair.
But she doesn't say it back.
So I lay there, with her in my arms. Loving her and not being loved back.
It feels like laying in grass, and feeling needles.
I do not say anything, I sit there, holding her and petting her head until I hear the soft, steady rhythm of her breath as she sleeps.
I wait a moment, two, maybe three, before I slip out from her grasp and grab a blanket, draping it over her sleeping body.
I take this as the opportunity to leave.
Quietly, I open the door and shut it behind myself, using the key under the mat to lock it.
The walk home, I felt lonely and used. It wasn't an enjoyable walk. I didn't stop to take in my surroundings of completely pure nature; untouched trees and flowers. I didn't hum a quiet tune as I trudged through the puddles.
I felt sad as I pressed a cigarette to my lips.
I even cried a little.
Because being in the love and not being loved back is the worst thing. The easiest way to kill someone is to hold their hand and say they're yours, and kiss their forehead and boop their nose. Only to never touch them again.
Addie was killing me.
And it was my fault.
This was the worst feeling in the world. Odd even.
I was used to being loved back, not just by Addie, by everybody.
And now I had no-one. Not even her.
Love, it never happens like you think it really should.
So I called someone I knew would love me.
hello skiddlyboops *-*
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ily
qotd: if cheese is yellow, does that mean lemons are green?
