Poisonous love

Broken promises.

I feel his hand on my shoulder with his warm touch.

"It's time?" he asks.

"Yea. Jaeyun it's none of your business where I'm going anyway." I say coldly. 

"What if I said I liked you? Would you stop being so cold to me?" he asks while softening his voice.

"But that won't ever happen. Maybe your just not capable of love. If you want to like someone you need to put in the effort, not just blowing someone off the second things get tough." I say while turning around and looking up at him. 

"Isn't that exactly what you're doing?" he responds. 

"I- It's different... I know my boundaries and I know we won't work." I say trying not to break. 

"How, Eunbi? We have never tried so what do you know? You always act like your okay and that you don't care, but you're the total opposite. You are pushing me away because things are tough. How am I supposed to help when you won't let me?" he says angerly. 

"Maybe I don't need your help." I say while looking away so I don't breakdown. 

"Even if you didn't, your the one not trying to get better. Do you want to live like this your whole life? Sad and broken??" he demands. 

Before he can utter another word I throw a hard slap at his face making a loud noise causing all the attention to be focused on us. 

"You don't know anything." I say before wiping the tears off my face and walking off, out the door. 

"Eunbi I'm sor-" I hear him say before I slam the door. I quickly enter the elevator and jam the close button so no one gets in with me. 

I bite my lip to contain all my tears from running down my face. In anger I run my hands through my hair. Of course my hair starts breaking off in large clumps. I check in the mirror behind me, and of course there's many bald spots all throughout my scalp. 

Great. My hair's falling out again. I wonder how much hate I'm going to get for this. I enter the car while putting a large bucket hat on my head to cover my face. 

"Let's go." I say to my manager. He nods and starts driving.

~

"Hello, Eunbi-sshi! I haven't seen you in a while. How is the idol job? Is it doable?" my therapist asks calmly. I put on my best smiley face just like I'm on stage. 

"Yes, it's doable. I find it enjoyable as well! It's fun spending so much time with my members and having fans." I say while smiling as best as I can. Do I even enjoy being an idol anymore?

"Ah good good. Don't worry about this appointment, we are just checking in to see if you have gotten better. Like a formality." she says.

"Of course. I have gotten better." I say while nodding. 

"You look so thin. Don't tell me you haven't been eating again?" she says worriedly. I gulp and shake my head.

"I have been eating well! I actually ate before I came here. I think it's just from all the dancing." I quickly saying, making up yet another lie. 

She starts writing on her clipboard with quick haste. I sigh in relief and try to stay calm. 

"Awesome job Eunbi. You have gotten a lot better. To be honest, I was quite worried when you went off your depression pills but you seem to be much happier and better! Has Jay been any help as you guys both work in the same company?" she asks. 

"Yes I am so much happier." I say while almost laughing out loud to how good I am at lying. 

"Yes Jay has been such a big help. Sometimes when I forget to eat he always runs to me with my pills so I don't throw up." I say with a bright smile.

"Wait. I thought you've been eating well?" she questions. Shit. Shit, shit. I messed up. How do I cover this one up?

"A-Ah yes... This was from a long time ago. When I was a trainee! You know how tough it is now a days." I say. 

"Oh okay. Do you have any suicidal thoughts anymore?" she asks. I take a second to answer and I shake my head violently.

"Of course not, Ms. Kim! I would tell you if I did, okay? Promise!" I say while holding out my pinky. Hah. How many broken promises will I make?

"Ah okay! I think your all set! Let me just talk to your manager and this will be the last time coming here for a while! Bye Eunbi! Love you!!" she says before hugging me and sending me off. Love. Me? I wish those two words could heal my scars. 

As we finish the session I walk out and meet eyes with my manager. I ask him if I can walk home since it's only a couple minutes away and I need to clear my mind.

He reluctantly let's me, knowing my situation. I bow and head outside to walk home with my airpods in my ears. 

As I step out I hear the loud rain fall, hard onto the ground. I sigh and put out my hand to see how much rain is falling. I watch the clear rain fall ever so beautifully onto the ground. 

I see a person in the distance running towards my direction. I stand just watching them. 

"Eunbi." I hear them say with an umbrella in hand. I squint to see the person I didn't want to see in this moment. 

"Jaeyun? What the fuck are you doing here?"  I say with haste. 

"What else would I be doing in front of a therapy building? Idiot, I'm here for you." he says while chuckling. 

"Why? You made it clear that I was the problem." I say. 

"Please Eunbi, I messed up. I said things I didn't mean and you don't have to forgive me but just let me do this for you. Allow me to help you." he says worriedly. I'm just gonna be another burden. Don't accept his help.

"Jaeyun, go home." I say trying to walk off in the rain. He grabs my waist and pulls me closer to him before I can even make contact with the rain.

"Eunbi please just let me walk you home, at least. Your gonna get sick if you walk in the rain." he says while trying to hold my hand. 

"No. I said no. I'm not going to burden you or anyone else anymore." I say while softening my glare. 

"Fine. Just take this." he says while handing me the umbrella he's holding. I open his hand up and place the umbrella back into his. 

"Just go home. I don't need anymore pity from you and everyone else. I'm gonna go, don't ever show up in front of me again unless it's for professional reasons." I say while walking into the rain to hide my puffy eyes full of tears. 

~

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