The Space in Between

Chapter 21

Dre and I ended up sitting by the beach watching the sunset.

I was lost in my thoughts as always. Then I started talking.

"Have you ever felt like everything's crushing in front of your eyes and there's nothing you can do?" I asked but I was not yet ready to get an answer.

I continued, "As much as you'd want to hold onto the wall so it won't crumble, for some reason, it's just slipping through your hands. You're picking up the little pieces and trying to put them back together but it's still falling apart. You only end up getting cuts over and over again."

Puzzled, but Dre felt this leads to a serious conversation. He replied, "I know, I know how it feels. I'm not saying this just to respond. I just understand what you're talking about."

I seemed not to hear Dre but he continued, "Maybe it needs to happen. It has to break what needs to be broken. Putting it back together may not be the best way to do it. Maybe out of those rubbles, you can recreate and rebuild something new. A more beautiful masterpiece will come out."

I wasn't sure if I'm ready to talk about this or if I was only here to try to express what I was feeling.

He noticed I was listening intently, so he continued, "Maybe you're overwhelmed with everything that had happened to you. You don't need to share it with me, if you're not ready."

Finally, without looking at him, I was able to muster a reply, "Overwhelm is an understatement. I know how it feels when I'm overjoyed or there's too much sadness. I can feel it. This time it's different - I feel nothing. There's just a big hole in my chest. I really don't know how to describe it."

Dre answered, "Perhaps those are emotions that built up over time and you didn't have the chance to process it even before the new one comes in."

That got me thinking, "Maybe. It was really sudden. I didn't see it coming. One day I was living the life then the next day, I questioned my existence. Have you ever experienced being in a room full of people and yet, you feel so alone? It's like a party with different lights spotted on each person except you. You're smiling, laughing and talking to everyone but it seems like you're in a bubble which no one can see. You know they are talking to you but their voice is like a thousand miles away and only comes as an echo. You only read their lips so you can still stay in the conversation. But after all the flashes and laughter, you'd still go home feeling empty. That's tiring."

Not sure if he followed, but I continued, "Can you get any lower than a rock bottom? Because I think that's where I am right now and I can't see a ladder or stairs to climb. I feel it's a never-ending downward spiral. It's really dark here." I tried not to look at him but I hoped he was getting what I was saying.

I didn't realize I was trying to take him to the place I can only see. I was able to put words to the feeling I couldn't express for the longest time.

I was surprised to hear his response, "Have you tried checking if there's a door or window?"

It was my turn to look puzzled, then he continued. "Climbing up may not always be the solution. Maybe you just have to look for a small crack and try to let a little light in. You may not fit through to get out but at least, it can give you light to find your way out."

I noticed Dre was really in the conversation. So, I asked him, "Are you on my way out?"

He looked at me, smiled and said, "I don't know. It wouldn't hurt if I'm just the crack."

I didn't understand what he meant by that, but for some reason that's not the answer I was expecting.

He looked away and continued, "Or for all you know, you're carrying the light the entire time. All you need is the courage to switch it on."

It was one of the most serious conversations I've ever had and for the first time, I felt lighter.