The Space in Between

Chapter 23

We're back at the rooftop.

"Are you okay?" Dre asked.

Thinking deeply, I looked at Dre then asked, "Do you think there's someone out there who is okay? It seems like everyone isn't okay, it's just a matter of who gives time to do introspection and who isn't. Maybe even the wealthiest, most popular, greatest person alive has a part of themselves that isn't okay. But why does it seem the world makes those who struggle with not being okay feel that they're weak?"

He didn't answer. He looked at my face and said, "I know that face, as if all the doors were shut in front of you. You wanted to start over but you got rejected one after the other. You feel there's no hope. But maybe there's one door remaining that's not fully closed. All you need to do is a little push. Keep trying, don't give up."

Maybe I was so consumed by my thoughts and didn't realize I replied unconsciously, "I don't know. It's like there's an amplified noise inside my head and I don't know how to shut it off."

Dre offered another perspective, "Maybe you had to go through so much pain and sorrow so you can have a deeper meaning for the words, forgiveness and acceptance. You can no longer change what has happened whatever that is. Holding onto it will not make it any better."

That ticked me off. I suddenly outburst with emotion, shouting, "What do you know? Why are you pretending you understand what I'm feeling?"

"I'm just trying to help you process your emotions or have a different look at things." Dre replied hesitantly.

I was full of anger which I couldn't understand where it was coming from. At this point, I was already full of tears but I managed to say, "You know nothing." The anger turned into frustration. The sound of desperation came out, "I just can't understand why I have to feel bits and pieces. Every little touch gives hope and equally, every disappointment crushes my soul. It's too deep, It's too dark. Why does it feel like everything I touch fails? Nothing works. I'm so tired."

This time Dre sounded with concern, like holding a fragile crystal, he said softly, "Is that the reason why you want to quit? Just shut it off and not let anyone in? Are you afraid of taking risks again?"

It must be the way he sounded so I replied calmly, "I'm not afraid, I'm tired. There's a big difference. I'm so tired of having these kinds of thoughts. Sometimes it'd go away but it'll come back. Peace of mind is fleeting. I just wish I'm not thinking about things so deeply. I just feel I'm cursed to feel it piece by piece."

He stayed silent so I continued. "It was too hard to process everything that happened at the same time. It's like there are holes and gaps in your life that you have to live with. But sometimes, it gets amplified by things happening to you."

I was hesitant to continue because I'm ashamed to share my innermost thoughts. He looked at me and nodded.

"I've been strong for the longest time not by choice but I had to be. It was difficult growing up without your parents, it made me cling to people whenever they enter my life. But my actions show the opposite. I'd push them away." I sighed then continued, "My ex-boyfriend, Ethan, we used to talk every day and all of a sudden, it stopped as if none of it existed. I'm not sure which hurt more, was it when he didn't love me the same way I do or when we stopped talking."

Dre answered, "We keep looking for the answers to our 'whys' because we're frightened to accept that we are where we are as a result of the choices we've made in the past or maybe that's how your life was written. We're afraid to accept that it was not how we pictured it to be. So, we are searching for something that can make us feel better."

Tears started flooding from my eyes again.

He continued, "Not because you stepped back, stepped away from people means you're a coward. You only gave yourself time to breathe. It's not a weakness, that can be a good start to self-awareness. Life is not always about beautiful things, there will definitely be bumps along the way. But you deserve to see great things unfolding in front of your eyes. You have to live so you allow it to happen."

"How?" I asked.

"I don't know. You're the only one who can answer that." He replied. "But Liv, you have to go on, you have to live on because even if it's the last strand, I can still see life in you."