The Space in Between

Chapter 26

"I'm really worried about you." My sister started talking.

I wasn't moving, I tried not to so the buildup in my eyes won't come out.

"I know something wasn't right but I waited for you to talk to me but it never happened." She continued when she realized I didn't have any plans of replying.

"You know I'm here for you, right? Always." She said.

I nodded. I shouldn't have done it but it was already late. Tears flowed from my eyes and my body trembled.

She didn't say anything. She allowed me to let my emotions out.

Even without raising my head, I knew she's looking at me with genuine care and love.

In between tears, I started talking, "I just can't understand what's going on. Everything's happening at the same time." I paused, then continued, "Why is having a caring heart both a blessing and a curse?"

She was silent.

I continued, "I'm so tired of fully giving myself to people, and yet you're still not enough. I want to take care of things, but I also need help. If I ask for help, people think that I can't take care of them. If I take care of everything, it's too hard for me to carry. What should I do? Where do I stand?"

She wasn't sure how to start but she started to speak, "You are such an amazing person. You have a big heart and so much love to give to everyone you meet - that is really tiring."

Since it's the first time I talk about it, I'm preparing my defense wall so I didn't respond.

She continued, "If you're expecting people to return the favor, give back when you give yourself to them or exert an effort for you because you did something for them, then you'll be frustrated all your life. You can't expect people to have the same kind of heart like yours, Liv."

"Damn if you do, damn if you don't." I replied sarcastically because I felt she's not getting my point.

"Exactly. That's why you don't change what's inside you. If you want to give something, give it wholeheartedly without expecting something in return. Because if you do, you're not giving, you're imposing." She added.

It hit me. I felt I was attacked.

I answered, "I never expect people to give or do something in return. But it'd be nice if someone checks on you from time to time, does something for you without asking them, and looks after you at times even if you don't ask or need it." I stopped, now I'm getting confused about what I want to say. Then, "I don't know. I feel like I'm not making sense, that's why I don't want to talk about it."

"I noticed the change in you. Not because you met people who belittled the love you generously gave; you'd have a change of heart. It's not your fault that they're not ready for the kind of love you can give. You're such a brave person for loving people without any conditions." She replied.

Knowing I won't say anything about it, she continued, "You're a source of genuine love, you continue giving out love no matter what. The love you have and the amount of love you can give is inexhaustible. Spreading love and kindness is what you're meant to do, and that includes giving to yourself. You shine so bright but why did you dim your light?"

That got me thinking. "I got tired, I guess. Or afraid I will get rejected again." I replied.

I didn't let her answer and just continued, "I'm not really sure. I feel everything's all over the place. I feel everything I do or was part of seems not working out. It's always a failure. Nothing really works. Sometimes, I'd ask myself what is more comforting - knowing that, somehow, you're okay despite having all the issues you have or everyone's really not okay so you're just as good." I said with a defeated voice.

"Do you feel you're living your life aimlessly?" She asked again.

I shrugged.

"Maybe time is telling you to stop, quiet your mind so you can focus on what's in front of you, only on what's important. You cannot deal with your problems all at the same time. Face them one by one." She said.

I started to speak, "I don't know what to feel anymore or what to deal first. I feel like the most genuine feeling you have comes out when you're underneath your blanket at night. That's when you feel safe, when no one's around. So, whether you're happy or not the entire day, you can only reveal it to yourself when you're back in your safe place."

"What do you feel when you're underneath your blanket at night?" She asked me using the same statement I said. I was stunned and lost for words.

She continued, "Whatever your answer is to that question, I guess, that's the thing you have to deal with first."

My reaction must have been too obvious when she said, "I am not going to tell you to stop hurting. No one can tell you when to move forward. That work belongs to you. Just don't forget that there are people around you who are willing to take the journey with you, but we cannot take that journey for you."

With those words, I felt a warm embrace even though we were not moving from where we were seated.