Rehabilitation

72

Nathan fell asleep but I lay awake feeling restless. I couldn't think of anything but Nathan.

My heart almost broke as I watched him sleep, knowing that when he woke up we would have to go back to before.

Before he had fallen asleep Nathan carried me into the bed and laid me down beside him in his arms. He'd fallen asleep holding me, his warm hands cupping my still naked body.

Now, I wriggled out of his arms, unable to take the sound of his slow breathes on the pillow next to me. I had to go home, I couldn't do this. I managed to put my dress on before Nathan fluttered awake.

"What are you doing?" He whispered sleepily. My heart ached seeing him like that, Nathan looked his best when he was sleepy, it was hard to describe but he looked so innocent.

I felt like smiling as I looked at Nathan but then I realised the reality. It couldn't be like this, we couldn't sleep together and just be friends in the morning. It just wouldn't work. I couldn't do that.

"I'm going home." I said, crossing my arms.

His face dropped, "What? Are you serious?" he sat up in bed and frowned at me, "What am I supposed to tell my mum?"

"Say I had a family emergency or something," I said coldly and grabbed my bag.

"What's going on?" he said. He was frowning and then something struck him. His face saddened at the realisation, "You're still mad."

I noted that it wasn't a question. It was barley a statement. "How am I supposed to trust you. It hurts Nathan. You didn't like living with me and lied about it," I tried not to yell it, I didn't want to argue with him, not again. I thought I might cry if I did.

"What? I did like living you, I loved living with you," he cried.

"Then why move out?" I asked. "Why lie about it?" It still felt like he was lying, not telling me the truth. I just wanted to know the truth.

"I just..." he stammered, "I'll just make a note never to lie to you again, okay?" He sat up further, exposing his bare chest.

"No, that doesn't just make it ok. And us sleeping together doesn't just make it okay."

"Then why did you do it?" he breathed.

"It was a mistake," I whispered it almost like I didn't want him to hear it. But he did. My words echoed what he'd said earlier. You always say that. I felt a pang of guilt as I saw his face scrunch up. Hurt lined his eyes. "And I guess you were right it's not just about that."

"What else, then?" He was waving his hands about.

"It's just, this thing we're doing...sleeping together...it has to stop."

Nathan shook his head, "Why, based on the fact you were screaming my name earlier I'm pretty sure you enjoy it." Ordinarily he would have said this as a joke but the absence of a smirk on his face told me he was genuinely frustrated by this. It had become an argument. I hadn't meant for this to become an argument.

"Someone will get hurt." I muttered.

"I won't fall in love with you I promise."

I couldn't read his tone. His voice shook as he spoke and I was unable to tell because of the darkness but he looked on the verge of tears.

"It's just not a good idea, I just know it won't end well." It was confusing me. I liked spending time with Nathan, I liked when we were intimate but something about it didn't feel right. You'd think it would be the perfect set up. An attractive guy wants to sleep with me, sounds greats. But for some reason I felt conflicted, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I just don't think it's a good idea. Not anymore.

"So you're the one that will get hurt," Nathan asked softly.

I didn't respond. It felt like I had already been hurt. "I guess I'm just not the type of person to have casual sex."

"I didn't think you wanted a relationship, I thought that we were just..." he cried.

"Friends with benefits." I finished his sentence. That's all it had been, I'd just been too dumb to realise it.

"I wasn't going to say that," he said. He turned his head all the way to the side, staring at the wall. He closed his eyes as if this conversation was painful and by closing his eyes he was taking a break, regaining some strength before continuing.

"But that's what you were thinking. I'm sorry for leading you on but it just feels like we are using each other."

"I'm not using you, I swear," he cried,  whipping his head back round to look at me. "I wouldn't do that." He locked his eyes on mine and I could see the sincerity in them.

"I didn't say you were," I said softly. It didn't feel like that really. Neither of us had more power in this situation. Maybe at the start he did, he was always flirting and teasing me but now...we were both using each other.

"So, what are you saying?" he asked. The way he said it made it sound like a break-up. Like this was the ending of something. Like maybe he didn't want it to end.

"That we aren't gonna sleep together anymore. We'll just be..."

"Friends," he said, his voice wavering as he spoke. I nodded. Everything had gotten too messy since we'd started sleeping together, it had to stop.

"I'm going home," I said again.

He was shaking his head gently now, staring down at the duvet. I wondered if he was going to say anything else, maybe convince me to stay but he just stared down.

I wanted him to tell me to stay. To tell me he wanted me to stay. Beg me to not leave. Tell me it wasn't just about the sex for him. Tell me that it was so much more than that. But that's exactly why I had to leave. Because I knew he wouldn't.

"Bye," I said, and didn't wait to hear if he said anything back before I left the room and closed the door behind me.