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I can't explain the fury threatening to erupt to the surface, exploding in the form of tears as I watch that wretched girl reach for his scarred hand so freely.
It's as if the world around them stood still as he gave her a loving smile, his eyes glimmering with an expression of relief across his face. An expression of love that is not directed towards me, never to be shown towards me.
I woke up with a start. It's the first time in a while since I've dreamt of anything, and it had to be that pale girl enjoying the loving embrace of my man. I grab my head in pain and begin laughing at myself. All the stress at work must be turning me into an idiot. Rei is just a child, a fake one nonetheless. One that he treats dearly as a daughter.
I lay in my bed in silence. Why? Why do I need to tell myself that he's his daughter? They aren't like us. What Gendo and I have is genuine, no play, just seriousness. Yet he hasn't even called me, touched me, not since then. I breathed in silence.
"He would never throw me away. He needs me."
I spent the remainder of my weekend lazily spreading across my sofa, unable to view the sunset through the thick clouds swimming in my living room. As I dreaded the thought of picking up the telephone and leaving an apology for Misato as it took me straight to voice-mail, I reluctantly wore my lab coat and caught the first train heading towards NERV.
My mother taught me never to work my worries away. Unfortunately, I never listened to that piece of advice. All my calculations and tinkering know the emotions behind every key press. As I entered Central Dogma, the only thing I intended on doing was burying myself in the wires of the Magi System as I usually do. It's my second home, where my mother and I could be closest.
My heart ached at the thought of her. She was the chief scientist of Gerhin, NERV's predecessor organisation. Without her, NERV might have remained an idea, a soulful dream from my heartless lover.
Everywhere I look inside this building, I can see her touch with the Magi being everything she ever was. A unit of three supercomputers working in harmonic unison. She had built the world's first bio-computer with a Personality Transplant Operating System. It surely took the color out of me when she first told me about it. A series of computers that could act and reason like a human being, especially when that human had to be her. It still sounds absurd to me. Melchior, Magi-1, her persona as a scientist. Balthasar, Magi-2, her persona as a mother and Casper, Magi-3, her persona as a woman. The type of woman I despise entirely.
It's bittersweet that this is all I have left of her. Subsequently, the truth behind her untimely death was covered up as 'an unfortunate work accident', a laughable excuse. I've seen the skeletons that NERV hid. My mother had become one of them. They dared to ask me to be her successor at the newly formed NERV, and the pitiful mournful idiot I was at the time accepted the job.
