The Grisha Diaries (A Darklina Fanfic)

Chapter 7: Sleep On The Floor

Dear Diary,

The past weeks have passed by in a blur. I've been wedding planning, helping Sasha control her abilities, taking rides across Keramzin on Zander, and I've long since finished creating portraits of each of the children in the orphanage. Gilded in gold frames the children's faces brighten the once dark green hallway.

As for the wedding, a date has been set. A mere fortnight away and the invitations have been sent out. Zoya and I had been discussing a security detail for our high profile guests to ensure nothing could go wrong. I'm also planning to go to Os Alta this coming weekend to see my friends again and for Genya to fit me in my dress.

Sasha has agreed to travel to Os Alta with me to consider joining fellow Grisha children in the Little Palace. I worry she hasn't felt completely welcome here in Keramzin due to the other orphans. But, she has become quite a talented Inferni for how young she is. As her control over her abilities have increased I've seen her confidence increase in a correlating manner. I can't express how proud I am of her for how far she has come. And you know what they say about when you love something.

Mal and I on the other hand have been going through a bit of a rough patch. He's been amenable ever since I told him about my intention to take Sasha with me when I visit Os Alta. But, pettiness has rotted our relationship with each other lately. Non-consequential topics end in the worst headaches.

It's difficult to fathom the person I once was. How short I once thought life to be. It's not that I blame myself for being naive, but rather for never considering how much can change over a year, 3 years, more or less centuries. I look back at the mere teenager I was last year, outraged that a child was thrust into a role of sainthood and a key war figure, making decisions that directly affected the millenia in front of me.

How am I to know what the world would have looked like if the Shadow Summoner remained in it. I don't regret killing him, but sometimes when I'm training Sasha I can't help but wonder what he would think of me now. What he would think of the world. Sometimes I think I may understand some parts of him better than I ever did before. In my past life I never truly got more than a minute to reflect on the 'why's' of the Darkling's decisions and actions. My past life was filled with emergency after emergency. He never allowed me the time to form my own conclusions, rather he aggressively pushed them onto me and I retaliated from the attack on my beliefs. But, deep down Aleksander was a boy who was raised differently, never understood or loved, like Sasha before coming to the orphanage. Yet, he still cared deeply for Ravka and even deeper for the rights of Grisha. Sometimes I think I might understand why people still worship him despite having created the fold.

I've been thinking about my light too. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm reflecting on Aleksander because I miss him or if him and my light were so intertwined together in my memories that when I long for one I inadvertently long for both. How would light have been able to shine without its shadows anyways?

Light & Shadow, Yin & Yang, Eb & Flo, are they truly perfect opposites or are they perhaps eternal pairings incapable of existence without their partners?

I came to Keramzin to find a purpose. Something to do with my days other than hiding and lying. But, I'm not sure my purpose here is the purpose I was looking for and I'm utterly terrified of having made another ill-informed decision affecting an inconceivable number of years.

I'm anxious to hear from Nikolai and Genya about the state of Ravka. Every word they give me I cling to. I miss my involvement with them and the influence I once gripped. I could be doing more with my name and old titles. I've been on a vacation that's lasted way too long and my soul is starting to get antsy. Tensions are brewing in Ravka, and I'm not sure how to not be a part of it.

To figuring out my next purpose,

_______________

"DON'T LOSE focus," I advise Sasha from our place in the forest. The fire that sits between us is starting to dance un-rhythmically as Sasha tries to separate a ball of fire from the flames. "And don't try to command it either. You and the fire are one in the same. If you don't command it, it will try and command you."

Her eyes focus in, squinting at the fire where there is a bubbling of flames. Her mouth puckers with concentration and her hands mold a piece of the the fire in front of her like a ball of dough. She pushes the molded fire outward to separate the ball from the flames. A beautiful bright orange mini-sun begins to form off to the left side of the fire. Sasha fumbles then, her hands losing their steadiness before the ball of fire was able to fully separate itself. "Pop," the ball implodes, sparks rain down onto the grass. A pretty sight, but unintended. Sasha balls her body up, protecting her face with her hands, immediately insulating herself.

"The fire reacts with you, not at you. You can't be afraid of it. These flames are your strength not your enemies." I try to imitate what a wise teacher would say.

Overcoming her fear of the flames has been a persistent challenge with Sasha, but her improvement has been noticeable. Soon her flames shall be her strength rather than her nightmare.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to go to the Little Palace," Sasha admits quietly. Her head is down, eyes focused on the grass in front of her feet.

"Why not?" I ask.

"The other kids might make fun of me. And, there's still no guarantee I won't hurt them if I continue trying to use my summoning."

"Did you know, I was not able to summon light at all my first few weeks at the Little Palace."

"Really?" Sasha asks, as she looks up from the grass to my eyes.

"Really." I confirm.

"I was much older than you too. Everyone else there already knew how to use their abilities and even how to fight. I knew nothing and was years behind them. The teachers assigned me so many books meant for children your age so I could catch up to them. And, it wasn't just me who wanted to be able to summon my light, it was all of Ravka, it felt like the whole universe was waiting for me to master my abilities as soon as they found out I had them. But, progress doesn't happen fast. And, if I could do it all the first time I tried, mastering it wouldn't have truly been an accomplishment now would it have?"

Sasha contemplates my words and seems to have gathered an understanding from my lesson. "Okay, I'll give the Little Palace a chance," she says in return.