Another Summer | C.F

Chapter eighteen

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ CONRAD ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

I've fucked up.

Every time I speak in front of her, I mess it up. I want to tell her everything, but I can't handle it anymore. It's devastating to see how this stupid secret is ruining the only good thing I have in my life right now.

When those words came out of my mouth, I knew there was no going back. I want her so badly. She means almost everything to me. She has always been there for me, every time I needed her, but I can't do the same for her.

The look she gave me last night, right after I told her again that I'm not good for her, made me realize I screwed up. Maybe she will forgive me someday, but she won't wait for me anymore. I've lost her because I'm a coward who can't express my feelings. If I tell her everything I want, I will break, and I'm not allowing myself to break. My mom needs me and Addi needs me too.

I've tried to express my feelings by getting drunk and high, and it used to work. Whenever I started feeling something related to my mom, I just got wasted. It became my routine. Because of that pain in my chest every time I think of a future without the only two women I'm allowed to love, it hurts, and I'm not strong enough to resist it. My life hasn't been perfect, I know that. All my life, my dad obliged me to play football, and I tried to convince myself that maybe he was right. I was born to play that.

But over time, I discovered the truth, and it made me realize that I needed to stop doing things to make others happy. Now my priority is my mom. I need to be with her. If I'm not with her, I will never be able to forgive myself. I've tried to be the best son she could ever have, but every time I look into her eyes, every time she smiles at me, my world falls apart. I feel a horrible pain that nothing can turn off, except for booze.

I've pushed everyone out of my life. I never realized I needed people around me until I felt alone. Pushing Addi away was a dumb mistake, and I don't know how to win her back. She was right; I don't just need her, I want her. Over the years, she has become my support, and losing her feels like breaking.

I need to fix things. I'm not willing to lose her. I can't lose both of them.

I get out of bed and walk to her room. I knock at the door, but no one answers, so I enter. Nobody was there. Fuck, today was the dance rehearsal. I walk back to my room, grab the keys, and drive to the club.

From outside, I could hear laughter, and then I could see that they were laughing at Jere, who was dancing with Belly and Addi. I smiled, looking at them.

I could never be the one who ruins their happiness.

Jere is one of the happiest people I've ever met. He loves going to parties. He is a free spirit. That's the main reason I wanted to keep the secret to myself. I prefer it that way.

I grab my phone and text Adds. 

"Hey, can we talk?"

"I'm at rehearsal right now"

"Yeah, I know"
"Look up, I'm here"

She looks up from her phone and our eyes meet. She turns to look at someone next to her, she's with Nick. She tells him something and walks toward me.

"You chose him."

"I didn't choose anyone, Conrad. I just asked him to be with me during this rehearsal."

"But I'm your escort."