numb.

keisha: scars

Just as a forewarning, there is some self harm in this chapter for those that are easily triggered.

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That Alyse bitch...I really hate that bitch, she's been a thorn in my side since the fucking day we met. Alyse Bevins and I met during my freshman year here at Heston. She was my roommate at the time and things were going fine. One day, she decided to bring over some boy who got kicked out last semester, I think his name was Tyrese. Anyways, those two decided that they'd fuck all night to Drake sad ass, I didn't get a single ounce of sleep and ended up failing a pop quiz. What made it worse was that I had ever gotten a grade below a B before.

"She's cute huh?" Ezra asked as he watch her walk away. I looked over at Ezra while he watched her and frowned.

"I just said I hate the bitch and you're calling her cute?" He raised an eyebrow and then shrugged.

"That don't change the fact that she's beautiful, but that doesn't matter, why don't you like her?" He asked as he held the door open. I sighed and walked.

"Thanks," I said, "and it's a long story, don't really feel like getting into it right now to be honest with you." He nodded and followed behind me towards the staircase. We walked in silence as we began to walk up until he asked me a question.

"Hey which floor are you on by the way?" I looked back at him as we got to the second flight of stairs. "The 4th floor, I'm the first room on the left, I have a two dorm suite, the girl I share it with never leaves her room so she's gonna be opening the door for us." His expression went from curious to shocked and he began to stutter.

"U-us? Like y-you want me to come in?" He asked as we got to the next flight of stairs. I stopped and smirked at him. Being as tho I was ahead of him on the stairs I was looking down at him, we were nearly eye to eye. Being this close I noticed just how dark brown his eyes were. He looked like a complete idiot the way he was gawking at me, but it was kind of adorable.

"Yes Ezra, I wouldn't make you wait outside." I grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him forward, he was completely surprised by this because he stumbled forward a bit, his eyes widening as I got in his face. "Now hurry up." He nodded without a word and followed me as I turned back around. Toying with him was fun, I've always been a tease, the guys I've known and dated never had sex with me, and I would leave them all practically begging to be inside me, but I've never given my virginity away.

Doesn't matter though...you're not a virgin anymore.

The thought alone triggered a wave of tears that threatened to spill over, but I held it in. Just a little longer though, I'd feel better once I got my razors. Coming for my clothes was never my intention, Ezra's clothes would have made the perfect pajamas, it was just a legitimate excuse, what I really needed was to cut. I needed a few things out of my room...my razors included.

When we got to my room I sent a quick text to Sierra, my suite-mate, and within minutes she opened the door.

"Hey girl," she said as we walked in, "you never came in last night, thought you got kidnapped or something." I was instantly reminded of what Kevin and his friends did and it made my stomach turn, but I forced a smile and shrugged.

"Too much to drink," I said, "Ezra here took care of me, ain't that right?" I looked over at Ezra who was standing awkwardly in the corner. Saying his name must've woke Sierra up or something because she looked over at Ezra and gasped.

"Hey, you're that cute boy in my English class." She said with a smile, I rolled my eyes. What was up with these bitches just throwing themselves at him? First Alyse now her.

Ezra raised an eyebrow, "uh yeah, you're Sierra if i'm not mistaken." She giggles when he says her name and nods.

"That's me," she said with a smile, "I like when you share your thoughts in class by the way, you should talk like way more." I cleared my throat and they both looked at me.

"Thank you Sierra, Ezra, come on," I said as I walked towards my door. Ezra followed behind me and waved over at Sierra. When we walked through my door Ezra looked around and nodded.

"This is exactly what I thought your room would look like, it's all so...neat, and it smells good in here." I didn't know how to answer that so I just stayed silent. While he was busy looking all over I decided to grab my razors. I kept my razors inside the shoebox for my Vans, so I had to wait for him to move away from my bed, all my shoe boxes were under it.

"Ezra," I said with a yawn while sitting in my bed, "I got a bottle of apple juice in the fridge out in the common area, could you grab it for me?" He nodded and began to walk towards my door.

"Yeah sure, be right back," he said as he walked out. I smiled, perfect. I got off my bed then got on all fours as I reached under it, I had various different shoes, Nike, Adidas, Balenciaga, Yeezys, you name it, but I only had one pair of Vans. I had bought them about a couple weeks back, which is when I started cutting.

When I had the box I opened it up and quickly grabbed the razors, I looked frantically around my room until I found my iPhone box sitting on my dresser. I got up and stashed the razors inside just as Ezra came back in.

"Hey," he said as he came in, "I actually fucking love apple juice." He handed me the bottle and looked around. "So what are you bringing?"

***

We got back to Ezra's dorm about half an hour later, by then it was almost 9 o'clock. We were in his room watching Rick and Morty, he had never seen it before and he was laughing insanely hard at just about every joke, I guess dark humor was his thing.

"I'm gonna take a shower, okay?" He nodded, not really paying attention because of how hard he was laughing. I got up from his bed and walked over to the duffel bag I put everything in. I grabbed a pair of biker shorts and a long sleeve crop top. Just about everything that I wore had long sleeves, the reason being was the scars were beginning to pile.

I looked back at Ezra to make sure he wasn't paying attention to me and then I began to look for my iPhone box. Once I found it I opened it up and quickly placed the razors inside my towel. I looked back at Ezra and smiled.

"Do you mind if I play music from my Alexa?" I asked, he shrugged.

"I don't mind, my roommates and shit aren't here so you can play it as loud as you want. I nodded and grabbed my speaker from my bag.

"Okay, I won't be long." I walked out of his room and towards the bathroom. Once I was inside I closed the door and locked it behind me. I quickly undressed and sat my clothes in a neat pile on top of the toilet. I grabbed the razors from the towel and then plugged in my Alexa. I turned on the shower water as I waited for Alexa to start up. When she was fully on I stepped into the water, turning the hot water knob just a bit until it was almost unbearably hot.

"Alexa...play BeetleJuice by Mariah, The Scientist." When the music began to play i softly began to cry while looking down at my arms. I had 48 cuts in total on my arms, 30 on my left and 18 on my right. My 49th would be going on my right arm. I slowly dragged the razor across my skin until I saw a crimson streak follow it, it wasn't deep, but it wasn't shallow neither.