✅ A Dose of Humiliation

28. Justifications

I'd barely spoken to my parents for several days. I couldn't face them after what they had done to me, and what they were trying to do. Dad stopped yelling after a brief row. He insisted that they hadn't done anything wrong; that I needed this treatment to keep me out of jail. Differing opinions from Mrs Yuan, and from Serena's lawyer on the letterhead of a prestigious city firm, were discounted. Because they had sought legal advice before signing the forms in the first place, and knew that they had the legal authority to dictate my punishment. But then Mum pointed out that 'legal advice' had been an assurance from Becker that his lawyer agreed with what he was telling them.

I couldn't believe they could be so stupid. But then I'd trusted them myself; I'd signed that consent form after they'd told me that they checked with a lawyer that I could still be jailed for admitting liability. If I'd thought about it reasonably for ten minutes, I would have realised that all the similar court cases I could look up were from guys with a long string of misdemeanours. Cases like mine didn't leave any record to set precedent, because they never got to court.

Dad didn't yell at me anymore. I tried to do my homework, but more often than not I couldn't focus. A few times I managed to catch up with my work in the morning before school. Once Josh caught me between lessons, and asked if I fancied a quick drink before catching up with my friends. Marcie caught my hand and held on tight. I got as far as wondering what was the worst that could happen, before I remembered the fear of losing myself. That wasn't something I would do, so I apologised and told him no. I wouldn't sneak out of the house during dinner and get hammered with a couple of friends, either; but I might have done if my family hadn't caught me and reminded me of what I was trying to hold on to. I told myself that I wasn't going to do that again; that I'd only been hoping for a chance to tell them what was happening. But somewhere in my heart I knew it wasn't true.

A week passed, and I started to realise that there was always one of my friends watching me at school, and my parents were always there to keep an eye on me at home. It felt suffocating, like they were trying to imprison my spirit. But I could still find the truth if I looked hard enough; they were the guards on Pandora's box, trying to keep hope in its box so that it wouldn't fly away and be lost forever. Sometimes the thought of being lost seemed kind of exciting, but I knew that was just what the drugs were making me feel. I had to hold on just a little longer, and tolerate their invasion of my privacy.

"How are you holding up?" Serena asked. She joined us for lunch everyday now. She was still in touch with all her friends in other cliques, the rich kids and the cool kids. But she was one of us now, and I still didn't understand why. I wondered if she was spying on us or something; or if my suffering had all the entertainment value of a daytime soap opera for her. But I told myself not to be suspicious; I had never been the kind of person who would doubt a friend's motivations.

"It's tough. Every time Josh texts, I feel like it would be so much easier if I could explain. If I could get them to help me as well. But I know that if I was with them, I'd never be able to resist the booze. And after one drink, the next one comes so easy, and that just leads to... Well..."

"Yeah. I think booze is a bad sign for you. Is it those people, or have you been craving some when they're not there?"

"I... I sneaked a bottle into my room. A couple of glasses before bed takes the edge off sometimes, so I can sleep. Don't tell them?"

"I won't. But remember what you said before. That for big days, you want to remember it. Remember the good times."

"I'll try that when I've got good times," I snapped. And like so many times recently, when I got angry I had to take another look at what I was feeling. "That's bad, isn't it? Because I'm building a habit that's going to be harder to break. And I'm convincing myself that it's acceptable, blurring the lines in my mind around what's me and what's the drugs. I need to stop it."