✅ A Dose of Humiliation

62. Another Victim

Dad didn't yell at me for getting the intensity booster. He didn't say anything about it to me at all, although I heard my parents talking after I went to bed, and I could tell that emotions were high. I wasn't quite sure what had happened, and I figured I liked it better that way. I tried to distract myself from all the worries with a drink or three, and then after a couple of drinks it only seemed natural to call Josh, and to see what I could persuade him to show me on cam. We were both tipsy at that point, enough that neither of us saw anything wrong with getting off on cam, and a whole lot of words shared about what we were going to do to each other.

Of course, I regretted it in the morning. It had felt so good, but I must have sounded so desperate, and we both knew that it was only the drugs in my brain talking. It was too easy to get horny, and to get carried away with doing whatever felt easy at the time.

I didn't say anything to anyone else about that. But I wished more than ever that I would be able to regain control of my own mind. I needed to stop myself from acting like that. And perhaps more importantly, I needed to learn what I really wanted again. Was it really just doing everything I could to help my friends out, like I didn't care about myself at all? Didn't I have my own desires? In the last few weeks it had been so easy to remind myself that it was just Anti-Lorna speaking every time I thought about doing something fun, but could I really be sure? Could some of those interests actually be my own, and it was just getting too hard to see the difference?

I knew that I needed to find myself, but I really didn't know how to go about that, and thinking about it too much could easily have sent me down into a well of navel-gazing introspection from which I would never return.

One thing I was totally sure I would have been willing to do was be there for my friends. So when Serena and Mr Pine had an appointment at Becker's pharmacy, I was there waiting outside the store for her. To my surprise, Mrs Yuan was there was well, and she gave a little wave when she saw me approaching.

"Lorna!" she said. "It is a while since I've seen you. I still worry, you know."

"Yeah, I just... I'm not so good at being polite now," I said, wondering if I was just making excuses to myself. "I don't feel like I should be working around customers when this stuff in my head is trying to make me always say the wrong thing." It was kind of true; she had caught me a few times, acting inappropriately at the shop before I decided that it would be better for me to take a break until I knew what I was doing again. But there was an inner voice asking if it wouldn't have been better to keep on teaching myself to behave; maybe even ask my parents to let Mrs Yuan give me a booster, to train me out of the inappropriate behaviour. Was I just being lazy by avoiding work, as a way to avoid being lazy at work?

"I understand. And your help will be welcome when you feel you can return. But I heard your friend may have some conflict with Becker today, and I hoped I may be able to help a little."

"Serena's case is complicated," I said. "She... Well, I don't know if I could even explain it. She might have done something that justifies getting the Punishment Pill, but the way Becker is going about it... I don't think he'd listen to anything you have to say, anyway. It's not like my case, where you were the victim of my crimes.

"I have many friends, Lorna. Today, the help I can offer is that of my nephew. He is a regulatory compliance officer, performing randomised spot checks on pharmacies offering this crazy pill. I asked him if he could inspect Becker's shop today. I think that if there is anything improper to be found, it could bring additional scrutiny on all of Becker's victims."

"Thank you," I told her, and automatically gave a little bow, just like she did whenever she expressed gratitude. It wasn't my own gesture, but Mrs Yuan's presence often inspired me to pick up some of her mannerisms as well. She carried respect with her like a blanket, and it was like I found myself wanting to imitate her whenever I saw her speak. She didn't comment, but smiled. "I really hope that he can help us. And I'm so grateful that you've been trying so hard to help me, even when I have let you down."