✅ A Dose of Humiliation

79. Recognition

So that was sex.

Intense, desperate grasping for another body, loving the feeling that there was somebody so close to me. Knowing that I needed more, but not really understanding why. The sense of intoxication as my hormones took control and I knew there was nothing I could do now to back away. I didn't know if this could count as my first time, or if it was the second or third. In the past, when I'd gotten this deep into something, I'd also been too intoxicated to realise what had happened, and had drifted off for a few hours of fitful sleep before waking with no clear memories of what had actually happened to me.

This was the first time I could remember it, I decided. So this was the first time that counted. The time that I would always be able to look back on, and that I would surely be tempted to compare future encounters against.

As I got my breath back, I tried to clear my thoughts, and make sense of what I had just done. I was sure that my parents would say it was the stupidest mistake I'd ever made; even worse than agreeing to pay for a broken window, but I couldn't see it as anything but a wonderful thing. Sure, it was something they didn't want me to do, and something I would never have done before. But it felt good. It had felt wonderful at the time, and now I was encompassed in a warm glow that I hoped would never fade away.

Clint had held me, and I'd had no second thoughts. I hadn't needed them, and I still didn't. I just knew that I was doing exactly what I was meant to do. What I had been designed for. Sure, it might have been a little foolish, but I knew that I wouldn't regret it. Regardless of when the drugs wore off.

While we were slowly building up to the main event, Clint had allowed me a rum and coke. He mixed it, so I couldn't overdo it. Just a little something familiar, so that I would be less nervous as we made plans without ever saying the words. When I'd been sure that I needed to put my inhibitions on one side, I'd asked him again for that bottle of Skim, and he'd looked deep into my eyes before agreeing. The intensity in his gaze there, showing me how deeply he cared and how seriously he didn't want to do the wrong thing, had turned me on more than anything I could have thought possible. And before too long I'd known that we were doing this; that it was too late to change my mind now.

I looked at Clint again. It was quite late in the evening; and he seemed to be sleeping deeply. There was a big smile on his sleeping face, which helped to reassure me that he might have enjoyed the experience almost as much as I had. He was still wearing his shirt as well; bunched up around his shoulders and unbuttoned, but it just went to show how quickly things had happened once I surrendered control of my actions.

I glanced over at the little pink bottle lying on the floor. That was something I still felt bad about; I knew that I shouldn't need something like that. But I'd known it would be easier if I was consumed by lust, and any second thoughts couldn't get a word in. Still, I wanted it out of sight before Clint woke up. I swung my legs off the little hotel bed, and noted that they felt like jelly, too weak to support me. But they did the job I asked of them, and I stepped over to where I could pick up the bottle. And then I stopped, surprised. It was heavy in my hand; and I'd already held these things often enough to know how much weight the plastic had. Almost every time I could remember holding one, it had been empty before I realised. But this one was still full.

I'd asked for one, I remembered. But I couldn't recall drinking it. He'd looked into my eyes and then given it to me, asking if I really wanted all the things that the aphrodisiac could make me do. He'd reeled off a list of different things he could do to me, and that I would have no power to resist. And each one had excited me more than the last; even when it got into suggestions of bondage and abuse, somehow I'd been looking forward to it. And then... And then he'd held me, and started to unfasten my clothes for me, and I'd given up any attempt to think. We'd rushed into it, the only worry that I'd lose my nerve before we could get anywhere; or before he realised what a mistake he was making by getting involved with someone like me. There had been a real urgency in our actions, and now I was starting to realise that I hadn't even needed the drugs. My own lust was enough for me to get lost in; doing things that would outrage my parents the way nature had intended.