✅ A Dose of Humiliation

73. Race Matters

I forced my eyes open, not sure what time it was or if I really needed to wake up. There was an alarm ringing somewhere, but my head felt like it was full of fog; I didn't want to think about anything right now, and I didn't want to know what was happening around me. But as consciousness reluctantly returned, I started to recognise the sound that had woken me. It wasn't an alarm clock; I'd broken my actual clock a couple of days before in a fit of rage when I didn't want to wake up. And it wasn't the alarm on my phone either. Somebody was calling me.

Even in my current state of mind, there was a faint hope that it would be Josh, or somebody. Somebody who might desire me, and who could make me happy enough to ignore all the terrible things that were going on in my life for a couple of minutes. A scrambled over to my phone and tapped the button. As I did, I saw the face on the screen. Serena. She must have some idea to help me, I was sure of that.

"Hey," I said, trying to disguise just how awful I felt.

"Hey. Hangover?"

"Yeah. Last night's evil Lorna hates my guts. What's up?"

"You remember Todd insulted my driving?" she said. "I'm racing him today. I could use a copilot, in case I somehow fall asleep on the track. And I thought you'd like to see that jerk taken down a peg or two. If you're up to it."

"Yeah," I said, and tried to think about all the things I'd have to do before I could join her. It would be tough waking myself up and getting clean, but she was right. No matter which side of my brain was in control, I wanted to see Todd and his dad lose at something. And I was sure that Serena wouldn't really need any help from me; she was really just trying to get me out of the house. But it was a good idea; perhaps doing something out of the ordinary could start to remind me who I was again. So I got dressed quickly, and did my best to look good. Of course, I was wearing a diaper under my jeans. But the outfit was loose enough that I thought most people might not notice. That was the most I could hope for these days. But I also promised myself that I would use today to tell Serena about my plan. I'd left a note for Dad the day before, suggesting that another shot on a certain day might make it possible for me to get into university; but I still didn't know if they would be willing to spend that much on me. And I found it almost impossible trusting my parents to help now. I needed an alternative plan, if any of my friends could help me think of one.

I was in diapers now. I didn't have any choice. But at least that meant there would be no other problems, or no embarrassment at the track. I got dressed as quickly as I could, doing my best to look kind of presentable, but there was only so far I could go with that and I gave up pretty quickly. The people who cared about me knew I was a mess on the inside; and the people who hated me would find something wrong no matter how I looked. I really had nobody left to impress.

I stormed downstairs, hoping that I could get out before Dad saw me. And today I was lucky enough. No parents waiting to lay down more rules about what I could and couldn't do. That meant that I didn't know if he had read my note, or what his reaction would be. But I didn't need to know right now; and it meant that I could get out of the house without a shouting match for once.

I started walking down the street as I texted Serena back. I was confident she would pick me up within a couple of blocks in any case, and I wasn't disappointed. I was, however, surprised by the car she showed up in. At first glance it could have been the same sportscar she used on days when speed mattered more than carrying capacity. But there were small differences. It seemed sleeker somehow, a fraction of an inch lower, and the body panels met so smoothly that it would be hard to find the joins. Even the edge of the door was just a hairline, barely visible when they were closed. I wondered if that might make some difference to the aerodynamics.