I Can't, Eddie... (Steddie)

5

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and Steve felt himself coming down from the high. A slight panic started pooling in his stomach and he started fidgeting with his hands. He didn't know what to say or do. Eddie sensed this and took a deep breathe.

"First off, don't run away this time please." Eddie started. Steve chuckled and looked at Eddie.

"I'm really sor—"

"Nope." Eddie held up a hand to stop Steve's apology. "No need, dude. I'm guessing that was your first 'experience' with another guy?" Steve nodded.

"I get it," Eddie continued, "It's scary. And confusing. And probably feels a little wrong. Like I told you, this isn't new for me. I've been there, and I'm mostly okay with who I am now. I don't know what going forward looks like for us... if there even is an 'us', but just know that you can be honest with me regardless. I won't judge, dude. We can't help what we feel."

Steve took some time to let Eddie's short monologue sink in.

"That's just it. I feel totally helpless. I feel absolutely ridiculous around you, Eddie. Like I'm going insane. I feel so out of control. And the worst part is that I look forward to that feeling every single day. I'm fucking terrified, man." Steve pulled Eddie's jacket tighter around himself as if he were strengthening a protective layer.

"I know. I know."

"I can't just like, get high and make out with you. That's not right." Steve continued.

"Yeah." Eddie agreed. "This... thing, whatever it is, it's entirely up to you, Harrington. Sober up, and think about it if you want. And if you do, and you decide you want to talk to me about anything, you can call me anytime."

Eddie pulled the jacket and sweater halfway up Steve's arm and wrote a phone number in small but legible writing. Before pulling the sleeves back down he took a half a second too long resting his hand on Steve's bare arm. Then he got up off the bench and slowly walked back toward the library.

Steve sat on the bench for awhile waiting for his arm to stop burning, his lips to stop burning, his body to stop burning. He was also pretty sure he had a hickey. That would absolutely not go unnoticed by Robin.

And what the fuck was he supposed to tell her?

Oh yeah I didn't get anything done for the research paper because I was busy intensely making out with Eddie Munson.

It's not that Steve was afraid of Robin knowing per se, seeing as Robin liked girls and had told Steve explicitly last year. It's just that saying it out loud made it real. And Steve didn't know if he even wanted it to be real. Then again, as soon as he started replaying the days events in his mind, there was nothing he wanted more than to run after Eddie and pin him against the nearest tree.

Around and around Steve's thoughts went. Circling the Eddie drain.

Eddie Munson. Do I have a crush on a boy? On Eddie fucking Munson?

What would my parents say? They'd kick me out. No doubt in my mind. What would Dustin say? What if the whole school found out? Do other people know about Eddie?

Steve wracked his brain thinking of any suspicious rumors he may have heard about Eddie in the last few years and nothing came up. How did Eddie keep it a secret? He very obviously had experience, the way he kissed and touched Steve. A shudder went down Steve's spine again, quickly followed by a hot flash of anger at the thought of Steve with any other guy. He quickly stood up from the bench.

A walk will clear my head.

Steve had literally zero experience with gay people other than Robin. And Robin wasn't exactly out making experiences with other girls. She was as far in the closet as she could possibly be. So Steve didn't know anything about how gay people could go about living their lives safely in his world.

And was he even gay? He had certainly liked and desired plenty of girls before. He enjoyed sex with girls. A lot. But the thought of being intimate in any way with Eddie led his brain down a path that was full of longing and desire as well. Eddie's words echoed in Steve's mind. "You don't have to put a label on anything, Steve."

I don't need a label. At least not right now.

Steve found himself circling back toward the library where the rest of his classmates were waiting near the bus. Eddie hung back, away from everyone else. His bare arms stuck out like a sore thumb and Steve swore under his breath. He still had Eddie's jacket on.

"Were you wearing that jacket earlier?" Robin came up to Steve and pinched the leather sleeve. She leaned forward and sniffed loudly. "You reek of weed." Her eyes bugged out of her head. "Is that a hickey?!?" She hissed.

"Oh my god, Robin. Shut the fuck up!" Steve hissed back.

Robin ogled at Steve.

"Wha—but—you—we—we were only gone for like an hour and a half!"

Steve ignored her and walked onto the bus. She trailed behind him silently. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Eddie's bare arms crossed over his chest and typical smirk. But his eyes were intently on Steve. A few dots connected for Robin in that moment, and a theory blossomed in her mind that was both utterly unbelievable, and yet more accurate than she knew.