Kinder Cosmic: Part 2 - Paradise Lost

Chapter 3 - National Emergency

Tucked away in an abandoned laboratory in an obscure part of the MIT campus; our two otherworldly heroes are lounging inside of the lab, regaling one another with tales of one of the many earthly activities they’ve occupied themselves with in order to pass the copious amounts of time and battle the ever looming weight of boredom that had been plaguing the both of them since being bestowed with the titles and responsibilities of ambassadorship. A position neither of them ever wanted or even regarded as anything but a pain in the ass, yet took upon themselves nonetheless at the request of a newly acquired friend they’d found in a young human female astronaut named Luna.

At this point in time Jorg is handling a small puppy; a purebred pitbull beige in coat, only but a few pounds and a few months old. A chubby, cute little creature that had quickly garnered all of the affections and attentions of Jorg since having recently and yet mysteriously acquiring the creature into his stewardship.

All the while Alpha is repetitively playing through an unedited recording of his recent guest appearance on the popular reality television show "shark tank". Alpha gazes into the small television screen chuckling to himself as he fast forwards, rewinds, and pauses through each frame of the recording in deep thought. Almost as if it held some deeper meaning to him, some long running joke or form of unrealized vigilante justice between the little, ancient alien and that of the whims of the human condition itself; all playing out before him like roles of a lost shakespearean tragedy, the actors unaware that their lives are bu-

*WHAM!

The lab door slams open as Luna races into the room; flustered and apparently unsettled.

Luna: GUYS! I HAVE SOM-

Jorg: SSSSHHHH!

Jorg immediately shushes her and points towards the puppy now sleeping gently in his lap as he whispers to her quietly::

Jorg: He's sleeping…

Luna glances at the furry little beast resting gently in Jorg’s lap with a sense of benign humor and surprise at the wild little alien’s obvious softness for fluffy animals.

Luna: Jorg…Where the hell did you get that?

Jorg: Fans only!

Luna: Wait….You have a fans only? What do y-

Luna quickly restrains herself and decides to avert her line of questioning before it causes her to visualize something she can never unsee.

Luna: ......I don't even want to know

She approaches the small sleeping dog and pets it carefully as Jorg looks on with an air of parental warmness and satisfaction.

Alpha interjects the “hallmark moment” with his trademark casual bitterness, which to Alpha comes as naturally as breathing:

Alpha: Sure wish he'd spent half the time he does coddling that thing, instead teaching it not to shit all over the lab…

Jorg cups his hands over both the napping pups ears and yells across the room at Alpha in a way that only Jorg could…..or would.

Jorg: FUCK THAT! THAT'S TAMPERING WITH HIS VERY NATURE! IF HE'S GOTTA SHIT THEN HE'S GOTTA SHIT! WHO AM I TO TELL HIM WHERE TO AND TO NOT SHIT? HES A FREE SPIRIT!

Luna: Jorg he’s just a baby, he doesn’t know these things so you have to teach him.

Jorg immediately passionately and flatly retorts while still muffling both the puppy’s ears.

Jorg: NO I DON’T!

Luna stares back blankly at the irrationally defiant and protective little alien.

Alpha: Luna, I know you mean well but I’m telling you his brain is completely shot and it’s a lost cause.

Jorg is now holding the puppy in the air face to face as it wags it’s tail fervently trying to lick him in the face as he bounces the pup from side to side, talking baby talk and characteristically impersonating a conversation with the dog.

Jorg: WE-SHIT-WHERE-WE-WANT! DON’T WE BOY!?!? OH YES YOU DO! OH YES! OH YES! OH YES YOU DO!

Luna can’t keep herself from laughing as she tries to press Jorg once more about his “unconventional” parenting style…

Luna: Well…..Jorg where do you shit?

Alpha replies while staring at Jorg sourly

Alpha: ….We don’t

Luna: Oh dear god…

Alpha: What did I say??

Jorg continues to patronizingly animate the puppy while singing a little jingle that would be every potty training mother’s worst nightmare:

Jorg: WE’LL SHIT ON THE FLOOR! WE’LL SHIT ON THE SIDE WALK! WE’LL SHIT ON THE GRASS! WE’LL SHIT ON TH-

Luna: It’s a lost cause…

Luna nods her head, dumbfounded and decides to change the subject entirely.

Luna:Well….atleast he’s adorable! What did you name him?

Jorg: Alf!

Luna: That's a good name, Jorg.

Luna glances over at Alpha who had lost interest and resumed replaying the recording of "shark tank" repeatedly.

Luna: Hey Alpha....you didn't really give those assholes that piece of tech did you?

Alpha: What!? No! Of course not....it wasn't even what I said it was.

Luna: Then what was it?

Alpha: An audio recorder I stole from target and "bedazzled" with glitter and fake jewels I stole from the human female child’s section of a toy store.

Alpha chuckles to himself again while staring into the television thoughtfully; his mind once again wandering elsewhere…

Back on the destroyed "Shark Tank" television studio set. A fat, bald man wearing an Armani business suit that had been very recently torn to shreds; is sitting on the floor holding a small, shiny device up to his ears. Covered in bruises, cuts, and dried blood; the man grins a toothy grin. A grin of which had also been very recently liberated of quite a few teeth.

The man repeatedly presses a small button on the side of the micro quantum processor; he listens eagerly as it relays the very same audio transmission that Alpha presented before the group of reality television investors.

MLK: "As long as there is poverty in this world, no man can be totally rich even if he has a billion dollars."

He presses the button again now confusedly staring at the device:

MLK: "As long as there is poverty in this world, no man can be totally rich even if he has a billion dollars."

The man presses the button once more, now scowling at the device resentfully:

"As long as there is poverty in this world, no man can be totally ri-"

He impatiently presses another button...

“Mister Fantastic” hurls the object across the TV set in a fit of rage, screaming vainly into the ether as it smashes into a wall and gets stuck relaying the famous quote over and over again as if in response to his cries:

Mister Fantastic: TH-THAT…..SON OF A BITCH!

MLK: “As long as there is poverty in this world, no man can be totally rich even if he has a bil-“

Mister Fantastic: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

The man sulks in the dark television studio alone, with his arms folded. In this light, or lack of it he almost resembles the silhouette of a larger than life; limp penis as MLK speaks breaking the silence again and again and again.

Alpha chuckles to himself once more as his thoughts are broken into, yet again by Luna. Who is now chastising him.

Luna: Alpha….Alpha….ALPHA!

Alpha looks back towards Luna irritably.

Alpha: WHAT!?!

Luna: What did I tell you two about stealing shit!?

Jorg: Um….Don’t get caught??

Luna: No…I SAID don’t do it!

Jorg: Why??

Luna: What do you mean “why”? You can’t just take things that don’t belong to you…it’s “wrong”!

Jorg: But why!? These things are in big places full of things! Overpriced things! These places don’t need things I needs the things so I takes em’!

Luna: Those are “businesses” Jorg! They make money off selling those things that get redistributed, everytime you two steal they lose that money and someone, somewhere suffers.

Alpha: Hardly…

Luna: YOU TWO HAVE TO STOP STEALING!

Alpha: Or what??

Jorg: Yeah! Or what!?

Jorg holds the puppy up to Luna and repeats himself in baby talk

Luna: That’s besides the point! Besides, you two are diplomats now and you represent alien life as we know it! You’ve got to set a good example!

Alpha: Your leaders made us diplomats, we didn’t choose it. And why should we worry about “setting an example” for a race that’s fundamentally dysfunctional all on it’s own? In comparison; our “stealing” is a pittance compared to what you do to your own, entire indigenous species, your entire fucking planet!

Jorg: Yeah!

The alien gestures once again with the puppy using babytalk as it barks and wags it’s tail.

Luna: Fine! If you won’t do it for common decency then do it for me! C’mon you guys! I’ve been given a responsibility to be your liaison to the government;  everytime you go off stealing shit, or fucking up reality tv investors, or going on binges and singing karaoke it makes me look like I’m not doing my job…

Jorg: But…..THATS NOT FUN!

Alpha: Why are you always trying to change us woman!

Luna: Please guys!

Alpha huffs impatiently and Jorg clicks his tongue; but the two agree, albeit frustratingly.

Jorg and Alpha: Fine!

Luna: Thank you, seriously! I know it’s hard for you to behave and you try your best for me. And I’m very, very thankful for it. Your mother would be proud of you!

Alpha: No she wouldn’t….she’s a benign interstellar consciousness unfettered by the laws of physics or human emotions.

Luna: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ASSHOLE!

She exhales deeply, then closes her eyes for a moment and continues to speak.

Luna: Now…I’d almost forgotten what I came to speak with you about.

She points towards the television mounted on the wall.

Luna: Have the two of you been following the news?

Jorg: What!? Why would we do that to ourselves?

Alpha: No, we don't watch that garbage. All it does is make you profoundly dumber and openly malleable to the false sense of reality projected by propaganda pieces and opinion politics. Only a fucking moron would garner a perception of anything about anything through network television; the worst of it being the hot, steaming, dung heap you people call “news”. Vicarious, masochistic bullshit is all that is.

In the midst of both the grey’s sermon to Luna about the toxic nature of network television; Luna had mostly ignored them and went about her business. This being a fairly common occurrence between the three individuals fond and yet thoroughly dysfunctional dynamic amongst one another. Luna would ask a question of which she would basically already know the answer; almost as if to goad the two eccentric, short tempered little aliens into going into a prolonged tirade about the folly of mankind. She would quit listening in the middle of it and do whatever she’d initially set out to accomplish while shouting phrases like “yeah!?” and “oh? I didn’t know that?” or “You don’t say?”

The irony of this relationship didn’t escape Luna but she quickly learned that this behavior from the two greys had nothing to do with the fact that Luna was a woman. No, as a matter of fact it was Luna’s feminine nature which endeared them to her. They were both just assholes and it came as naturally as breathing.

Luna likened to dub this behavior “martiansplaining” to which Alpha responded was a misnomer because neither grey was infact from Mars, nor had ever been and the irony of all this had completely escaped him much like Luna’s sarcasm in saying it to begin with. Which Luna thought was hilarious and Alpha simply assumed was a product of human idiocy, not a joke at his expense. As a matter of fact Luna inevitably had to quit saying it because every-time she did Alpha would assume her simple human mind had just forgotten they weren’t from Mars and would repeatedly correct her.

And so she did what she’d always done and casually proceeded to switch the television onto a cable news channel somewhere between “we don’t watch that garbage” and “hot, steaming, dung-heap”.

On the news channel; in big, bold, lettering there was a headline that read the following:.

"ILLEGAL ALIENS INVADE EARTH"

And as Alpha concluded his long-winded diatribe, Jorg glanced over towards the news segment exclaiming aloud:

Jorg: I DIDN'T DO SHIT

To which Alf stood on all fours in his lap as the little hairs rose on his back and began barking and growling incessantly as Jorg tried to pacify the young pup.

Alpha: Here we fucking go again...

On the news channel the newly elected president of the united states, Byron Tramp.. A former reality television star and real estate mogul is giving a press conference concerning recent events.

He's a short, fat man armed with a terrible haircut and an asinine air about him one could only describe as savant-like or beyond comprehension. The sheer magnitude of narcissism and entitlement within a single individual even Alpha would deem unbelievable but the bounds of humanity’s  hubris knows no bounds, a lesson the two aliens were far too familiar with. Flustered and pink in complexion the man continues to give his speech while waving his arms about angrily:

"We have these aliens coming into the country-or trying to come in!

We're trying to stop a lot of them, but they keep coming into the country! You wouldn't believe how bad these goddamned aliens are!," Tramp stated.

"These aren't people aliens! These are animal aliens!" He exclaims behind his podium on the White House lawn.

“When space sends its aliens, it's not sending it's best," he said."

“They're pillagers! They're monsters! They want to eat everything! They want to eat all your food! Eat all the resources! Eat the whole ecology! They just don't give a shit! They'll eat up everything!"

Jorg yells aloud at the television: WHAT THE FUCK DID WE EVER DO TO HIM!?!?

Luna: That's not what this is about! LOOK!

Luna points towards the screen which is now playing back footage of the alien "space blimps" descending down from the sky; tearing into grain silos, draining river beds, ripping into grocery stores and food supply warehouses, compulsively feeding on everything within sight.

Alpha: Sounds like you're getting your comeuppance…

Luna: The president of the United States has requested to speak with the two of you...

Jorg: HELL NO!

The puppy stirs and whines as Jorg tries to calm him.

Alpha: I'm not talking to that dickhead...

Luna: Come on guys! This is my job! Besides, it's a NATIONAL EMERGENCY! Please, just go hear him out and listen to what he has to say.

Jorg: Maaaaaaaan!

Alpha: GODDAMNIT!