Kinder Cosmic: Part 2 - Paradise Lost

Chapter 7 - War Pigs

As the two *Blip into New Eden they arrive in a pressurized containment chamber that serves as the entrance to the colony.

A sterilization gas expends from the chamber as the chamber's air pressure is equalized.

Jorg starts banging on the chamber door

Jorg: DUMB PIECE OF SHIT WE DIDN'T EVEN ENTER THROUGH SPACE!

Slowly there is a hissing sound as the door gradually begins to open and the two enter the colony.

As they take in their surroundings they can see a level of extravagance their minds could never possibly imagine. Inside the colony there are gardens of beautiful rare flora and fauna tucked away behind plate glass habitats of varying ecological conditions, all climate controlled. Large luxurious swimming pools and hot tubs placed capriciously throughout the facility the bottoms of which are visually transparent revealing the twilight of space underneath.

The walls of the facility are adorned with the same transparent material revealing the sun, the moon, and the blue hue of the earth at a distance.

There are fancy restaurants, bar rooms of various themes, shops selling goods that no earthly man could afford in an entire lifetime.

Casinos, clubs, space shuttle tours; all of the world's extravagance and wealth consolidated into a single location.

There are young beautiful women entertaining older men in suits and the kind of folk that walk with an air of their own greatness about them.

Alpha looks around for a moment, taking the magnificent scenery in all around him as he calmly walks through the colony promenade while solemnly thinking introspectively.

Alpha: “........

.....

...........Fuck this place.”

Alpha walks towards a reservation desk where a hostess is awaiting new guests adorned in a ridiculous uniform reflecting the pomposity of the colony itself as Jorg drags himself slowly behind.

Hostess: Well, if it isn't Alpha and Jorg! What brings the two of you to grace New Eden with your presence?

Alpha: We're here to see Geoff Beezos.

Hostess: Ok! Sure! I'm sure he'd be ecstatic to speak with you. Go ahead and head into his office and I'll let him know you'll be waiting for him there.

The two walk into the Beezos office which is also adorned with a level of self importance that brings a sick feeling to Alphas stomach.

Alpha: Jorg!

Jorg: ......what?

Alpha: I need you to watch that door for a moment while I look around.

Jorg: Why?

Alpha: Do you really think this asshole would freely admit to us what we want to know? I think not. I'm gonna try to find out and get this business over with.

Jorg: ......alright

Jorg drags himself towards the door and plops down infront of it, then begins smashing his crystals with a Nobel prize he palmed off of a nearby ebony mantle place.

Alpha walks over to a computer on a desk in the middle of the room and starts clicking randomly until he finds exactly what he's looking for.

Alpha: Jorg!

Jorg: What?

Jorg continues crushing his crystals looking down at them sadly in contemplative thought.

Alpha: It's....US!

Jorg abruptly stops what he's doing and perks up immediately.

Jorg: .......what?

Alpha: Come here and look!

As Jorg rushes over Alpha points to the screen, on it is a double helix.

One much different than that of the human genome but similar in general features.

Alpha: It's our DNA! That's how those things can *blip! I'm guessing this piece of shit bought it after our battle with legion.

He clicks around randomly once more

Alpha: ......and THIS!

He pulls up a picture of a microscopic creature with eight legs and a "sucker" on its head.

Alpha: This is a "waterbear"!

Jorg: A what?

Alpha: They're tiny little creatures that can exist in the vacuum of space, inside of volcanoes, pretty much anywhere. They're incredibly resilient and can survive damn near anything. They're native to.......Earth.

Alpha looks at the computer screen thoughtfully.

Jorg: So they aren't aliens?

Alpha: They're genetically enhanced hybrids. In a sense; yes and no. What he did was take the poor little waterbear and modify it with our genes. Through gene therapy he created the "space pigs".

Alpha shakes his head; detested

Alpha: It's not THEIR fault they're here! They aren't invaders! This sick asshole spawned them and let them loose on the Earth.

They're just doing what waterbears do! They're not malicious or evil or a tyrannical extraterrestrial pestilence.

Jorg clenches his little fists and starts trembling quietly unresponsive.

Suddenly the door flings open and Geoff Beezos, a bald man in a fancy suit with the permanent facial expression of a douchebag steps through the door and spots both Alpha and Jorg at his computer.

His douchebag expression forms into a douchebaggy grin.

Geoff Beezos: DO YOU LIKE MY BABIES! BEAUTIFUL AREN'T THEY?

Alpha: You psychotic son of a bitch...

Geoff Beezos: Ohhh COME ON Alpha! They're brilliant! The pinnacle of genetic engineering.

Alpha: That you just unleashed on an entire planet helpless to stop them.

His douchebaggy grin streches even wider

Geoff Beezos: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

Alpha: .....No, I don't

Geoff Beezos: Because the world is already in a state of ruin whether you realize it or not, Alpha. Political leaders vying for office through greed and corruption. The massive population of humanity preoccupied and driven by vanity, decadence, and lies as the world around them decays before their very eyes and everyday they grow poorer, weaker, and dumber. Arguing, fighting, spreading hatred and malcontent amongst one another as the veil is darkened over their very eyes.

Alpha: That's right, and not something I could wholeheartedly disagree with...

Geoff Beezos: I did it because through cataclysmic ruin and the exponential growth of my own wealth can this world be claimed as my own!

Alpha: For what purpose?

Geoff Beezos douchebaggy grin fades away and he looks at Alpha perplexed.

Geoff Beezos: What do you mean "for what purpose"?

BECAUSE I CAN!

Alpha: Can is the cancer of happen...

Geoff Beezos looks at Alpha again with a look of douche bagged perplexity.

Geoff Beezos: What??

Alpha glares defiantly at Geoff Beezos

Alpha: Every man wants to become a god. But no god has ever given a damn about man. So in turn, for man to truly become a god. He must not give a damn about the wellbeing of mankind.

Alpha: You are everything you see yourself as when you look in the mirror every morning when you wake.

Alpha: And that is an abomination

Jorg begins trembling uncontrollably as a wave of telekinetic energy envelops him and his body begins discharging static electricity

Jorg: YOU! I-I-I-IT WAS YOU!

Jorg's power blasts outwards and throws every piece of furniture and decadence across the office as the nobel prize is slinged across the room like a throwing axe and embeds itself into the steel bulkhead.

Geoff Beezos is thrown against a wall and falls to the ground.

Jorg: YOU KILLED HIM!

Jorg blasts more telekinetic energy as a pen is thrown across the room and buries itself into the wall behind Geoff Beezos grazing the side of his bald head.

Alpha: JORG! NO!

Alpha lunges forward and bearhugs Jorg as the two blip away...

The two reappear in the middle of an empty field below the colony, back on earth.

Jorg: WHY ALPHA!?!? WHY??

Alpha: Because Jorg! killing him won't change anything, there are a thousand men just like him willing to take his place!

Jorg: I DON'T CARE! I WANT MY VENGEANCE! YOU PROMISED!

Alpha: We will Jorg and I think I know just how...

Jorg: How???

Alpha: First, we're gonna need a "shitload" of dogfood.

And so the two *blip away again, once more, back into the White House briefing room.

NASA Rep: So? What did you find out?

Alpha: They're genetically engineered weaponized waterbears.

NASA Rep: That evil son of a bitch...

USSF Rep: Do you have any idea how to stop them?

Alpha: Yes; I'm going to need a cement truck and several tons of wet dog food.

USSF Rep: .......

You know what?

I'm not even going to ask...I can arrange that.

Luna: YOU LIGHT A FIRE UNDER HIS ASS GUYS!

Jorg: I'm gonna turn him into a human roman candle!

Alpha: Let's go Jorg!

And so the two quickly proceed onto the whitehouse lawn where a cement truck is waiting for them being filled by a regiment of Space Marines with wet dogfood.

The space marine commander approaches the two.

Commander: Well! If it isn't Abbott and Costello!

How are you going to stop those "Space pigs" with this?

He pats the cement truck

Alpha: We're not....we're gonna take them "home".

Jorg grins maniacally.

As the Space Marines finish loading the truck the NASA Rep approaches holding what looks like a small cannon in hand and hands it to Jorg

Jorg: What's this?

NASA Rep: It's a modified "potato launcher".

Jorg: What's that?

NASA Rep: Basically it's a gun that can fire whatever you can fit in it. I added a little "kick" to it.

Jorg: Whatever I want?

NASA Rep: Whatever fits!

Jorg: OKAY! THANKS!

Alpha: Alright Jorg, let's go!

Jorg climbs into the truck with his potato cannon as Alpha begins to levitate it and himself.

Jorg: Hold on a minute...

Jorg fiddles with the stereo system in the truck which starts to play Faith No More's cover of "War Pigs"

Alpha laughs and the two *blip away

The two reappear above the earth, in its lower atmosphere as Alpha’s phone begins to ring; he answers it.

Alpha: Hello?

Luna: Alpha! We've pinpointed the locations of each set of the creatures and I'm going to relay their positions to you to make finding them easier.

Alpha: Alright!

And so the three work together and with heavy note of pounding drum and screaming electric guitar Alpha and Jorg appear before the space pigs, the truck churning the dogfood and emitting a strong odor that immediately baits them.

Jorg can be seen yelling out of the window forming devil horns with his fingers and yelling while banging his head.

Jorg: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

As the swarm of creatures amass behind the truck emitting gurgling sounds Alpha soars and *Blips through the air like a little alien rocket, moving at warp speed.

Jorg’s hands are gripped on the steering wheel while making engine noises with his mouth as the cement truck bursts through the air amongst the melodic screams of the song trailing closely behind, like an anthem of defiance and retribution; blaring throughout Earth’s atmosphere.

As the two hurtle through the sky, through the barrier between the earthly heavens and the heavenly twilight; they rocket towards the darkness of space. Alpha shields the truck and himself with his abilities as they breach the atmosphere and initiate space flight, headed straight for New Eden.

When Alpha approaches the shell of the colony, he hurls the truck with an immense amount of telekinetic power as Jorg braces himself for impact.

Jorg fruitlessly pumps the gas pedal of the truck as he leans back and forth, shouting in excitement.

Jorg: YEAH! YEA-YEA-YE-

The truck crashes through the side of the colony and slams into the ground screeching as it slides across the colony floor in a shower of sparks and screeching metal as the tune of the song “War Pigs” is unceremoniously silenced among the catastrophe.

Jorg somersaults out of the truck and lands on the ground "potato cannon" in hand and proceeds to load it with cans of dogfood firing in every direction intermittently shouting:

Jorg: SEWEEEE!

The colonists flee in terror as the space pigs spill into the hole within the colony, the vacuum of space drags some of the colonists off of their feet and towards the breach; but they bounce off of the leathery, fleshy underbellies of the pigs crowding into the breach, intermittently clogging the depressurized hole with their own gluttonous bodies.

As the last of the space pigs spill through the gaping hole in the side of New Eden an emergency shutter quickly seals the breach behind them.