Collide / [Park Jay]

54

The familiar feeling of emptiness embraced me as I stare at the ceiling of my dark, cold room. Ever since I moved out, I barely have time to visit or spend a night here. Pero ngayon ay nandito ulit ako. And it's ironic because I'm supposed to feel at home, however, what I'm actually feeling now is a lot opposite. Ilang oras na lang at magpapakita na ulit ang liwanag pero hindi pa rin ako nakakaramdam ng antok. In attempt to find peace of mind, I didn't realize that I already wasted a lot of time.

What happened yesterday was an eye-opening moment for me. I thought I already learned to understand how different my family's situation is to others. I've come to a point where I would constantly remind myself that everything's fine and normal, and I don't have to feel bad. But then, in a blink of an eye, it made me question everything again.

Basically, I grew up knowing that I'm bound to move into different places everytime my parents ask me to. I had no voice to speak for myself and what I really wanted so I just let them rule me over. Afterall, they're my parents and parents know what's best for their child, right? Well, at least.. that's what I believed in.

"Do you even care about your child's future? It's not something you can just throw away like that!" My dad said firmly. I can feel that he's trying so hard not to raise his voice because I'm just around.

We're at the parking area of the hotel where we had our family dinner. It was very unexpected that my grandparents and some of my cousins from my mom's side were also present tonight. Akala ko ay simpleng home dinner lang ulit iyon kagaya nang madalas. However, my dad came as well, which made me really confused. Hindi naman kasi siya madalas sumama sa mga ganito, siguro ay dahil hindi naman siya iniimbita ni mommy. But then, he's here. And that's when I started to realize that something's going on.

"Yerim is still in highschool. She won't need any of those properties for now. For sure, I can give my daughter that much soon.. in her right age. Even without your help." Giit ni mommy. I'm inside her car now but everything's so loud and clear to me.

Apparently, my grandparents had gifted my mom and dad some properties back then in preparation for the family that they're about to build. But since their relationship didn't work out, it was all set aside for quite a long time. Recently, my mom planned on selling those properties but found out that it was all under my name, which means it would be impossible for her, for the time being, to get a hold of those for I'm still not in the right age.

Basically, that's what our dinner table was all about. And I may be too young to understand such complicated matter like this but I guess, not young enough to know that it's another thing to worry about. Akala ko'y unti-unti ko nang naiintindihan ang sitwasyon namin pero hindi pa pala doon natatapos iyon.

I still have so much to know..

"You're so selfish. I didn't expect that you would actually try to push this whole crap through." My dad then tried to take a glance at me inside the car even though it was tinted and he won't be able to see me nor my reaction. But knowing him, alam kong alam niya na nag-aalala at naguguluhan na ako sa mga nangyayari.

"You don't understand anything. Kaya please, h'wag mo akong pangunahan." Iyon ang huli kong narinig bago ko nakita ang pag-ikot ni mommy sa sasakyan para tuluyan nang makapasok.

I was on my airpods, acting so innocent when our eyes met. Even with a heavy heart, I tried to smile a bit like I wasn't aware of what's going on or it doesn't affect me in any way. "Uuwi na rin po ba si daddy?" Salubong ko sa kanya.

"Y-Yeah. Maybe." My mom said, almost flustered because I seem fine. "If you want to say goodbye, go ahead." Dagdag niya.

Tumango ako at mabilis na bumaba ng sasakyan. My dad is still standing exactly where they argued, slightly massaging his forehead out of frustration. But when he saw me walking towards him, he tried his best to look cool.

"We're leaving, daddy." I smiled a little before hugging him tight. I know it may take a while before I could see him again since he's also busy with his family and work, though, he never miss a day without reaching out to me.

"I'm sorry.." He whispered. I suddenly feel like I'm about to shed a tear at any moment now. My dad has always been so comforting and affectionate towards me. So everytime I feel sad and drained, I always hope that he's beside me.

Pagkatapos noon ay inaya na rin ako ni mommy na umalis. And I thought she's dropping me off at my apartment since I already did my part in that dinner but for some reason, she just told me to stay at home for the weekend.

That's why I'm here, waiting for the sun to come out as I stare at my room's window. What I'm feeling now is quite undescribable. But one thing's for sure..

I want to go home.