I was used to being alone.
I was always the girl surrounded by people, yet still utterly alone.
It was comforting. I had grown immune to the feeling of being by myself.
But then, I met him.
And despite the voices in my head screaming at me to not l...
There's a famous quote from Emilie Autumn, hanging in Christy's office that reads, "you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain." I had never given it much thought. For part of my life, I had convinced myself that I was, in fact, not real. I constantly live in a state of oblivion, where the voices in my head overtake my body and I am left in a state of being unaware of who I am. When I slip into that state of mind, I forget every characteristic that makes me who I am, leaving me with an empty body that has lost control of everything.
I slip into these moments of the unknown periodically, Christy says it's a trauma response; when something that triggers me comes around, the oblivion consumes me. I've tried to prevent it, busying myself and my mind, in order to not slip away, but unfortunately, the force of that part of my brain is too strong. Or maybe I'm just too weak.
For the past two days, I've been lifeless, sitting on the couch on my balcony, just smoking away. The only thoughts I've had center around the fact that my father is sitting in a jail cell, and my mom is still desperately calling my phone. I've gone numb to the incessant ringing, not even bothering to move when Emma's ringtone started to play.
Walking into the office this morning, I'm like a corpse, still numb to everything. Forcing a smile has become second nature at this point, so it shouldn't be hard to convince everyone I'm fine. You're not fine. You're being selfish. I figured if I was to show up to the office in sweatpants that would be a giveaway to the fact that maybe I'm not okay, so I settled on some dark navy shorts and a small white bra-like top but the navy blazer laying over my shoulders makes the outfit look more sophisticated.
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I'm the first one to arrive at the office, we've been moved to another room today as Harry has his first event coming up and we need to start finalizing his attire in order to have it ready in time. There are three different pictures laid out on the table, each with a different style. I lean over the table, recognizing one of the pieces to be one that I had put together as a possibility. I bite my lip, suppressing a grin. They chose something I did.
"What are you trying to hide your smile from over there?"
I whip around, giving myself a slight headrush, "Jesus, Harry!" I say, placing my hand over my heart.
He walks over to where I'm standing, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." The same feeling as always washes over me with every step he takes, comfort. I shake my head, the small breakthrough of the numbness creating a cloud of confusion. "So which of these do you think I should wear?" He asks, leaning over to look at the options just as I was.
I walk over to the other side of the conference table, giving space between us. "You'll have to tell me what the event is, I wasn't here on Tuesday."
He gives a soft smile before answering, "it's for a radio interview with Bru."
