I was used to being alone.
I was always the girl surrounded by people, yet still utterly alone.
It was comforting. I had grown immune to the feeling of being by myself.
But then, I met him.
And despite the voices in my head screaming at me to not l...
To be vulnerable is one of the most terrifying and intimidating things that a human can experience. The reality of being vulnerable is sacrificing a piece of your comfort, your ego, into the hands of another, and waiting for their reaction. It's a sense of giving up power within yourself, and putting everything on the line, laying all of your cards out for someone. We're essentially breaking every barrier, every boundary that we spend our entire lives building.
Why do we do this?
The word vulnerability is often related to "weakness," when in reality, being vulnerable is one of the most courageous things someone could put themselves through. The uncertainty of what we put ourselves through stems from the fear of rejection; we, as humans, feel a need for belonging so we often shape ourselves to fit the bindings of where we want to belong.
All my life, the intimacy of being vulnerable is something I never truly experienced. I've never found someone who I felt willing enough to share these things about myself. I've always been terrified that once someone finds out the truth of my past, of what happens inside my brain, they would run away and the fear of rejection would once again make its way in being true.
But Harry didn't run away, and I'm no longer terrified of the thought that someone knows the whole story of my life.
We had sat on the beach for hours after he had sung to me. We relished in the fact that we felt as though we were the only two people left on Earth. It was something that I thought would only occur in my dreams, but he's real. He may be my Dreamerboy, but nothing has ever been as real as him.
I left later that night, with a kiss goodbye, and a smile that seemed permanent on my face. I never thought that I would experience true happiness. Within my twenty-one years of life, I don't think I have ever been in an instance where I thought to myself, "I'm so happy," not until that night.
It's been two days since then and I don't think Harry and I have gone ten minutes without texting each other. It was like once I broke through the barrier of telling him about myself, it opened the gates of wanting to tell him everything. Sure, there are some moments of hesitation where my thoughts try to tell me that this is all too much, but then I think about Harry. I think about the comfort he brings me, I think about how he's never judged me, how he helped me through a panic attack, how he knows the nightmares that I've encountered, and how he still stays, and it's like nothing could ever go wrong.
Tonight we have plans to go to the karaoke bar with Sarah, Mitch, Emma, and Jackson. I told Harry that it's still too early for me to go on what would be considered a "date." My brain just needs more time adapting to the idea that there is someone else that I've let in. It was like this when I first met Emma and Chris; my brain had a hard time adjusting to actually having people who cared about me around. They were always checking in, inviting me over, making me feel wanted.
Honestly, it left me exhausted for days on end. My body felt well-rested, but my mind was tired from trying to keep up. Eventually, it became a routine for me to go over to Emma's and Chris' house for dinner or to study. My brain finally accepted the idea that these people weren't going away anytime soon.
Currently, I'm in my apartment pregaming with Emma. She showed up ten minutes ago and we already have two tequila shots down the hatch. I love my outfit, a simple white cropped tank top with a leather skirt and my tall boots. I felt like putting in some extra effort with my outfit, not saying I'm trying to impress a certain man, but maybe I am.
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