Beige

Chapter Fourteen

Alexis Monpettit

It is often said that our brains are the most complex organ in the human body. Endless studies have been done in support of that statement, as well as the conclusion that there may never be an end to the study of the brain. It makes sense. Not one brain is the same, making research hard for scientists as there is no way to compare two brains.

When I first started studying psychology, I was fascinated by the idea that the brain is one of the most powerful forces to be studied. I had done a research project on the idea of "what would happen if we could control our emotions?" Sure we have some control of what we feel, but what about those emotions that creep up and make us feel everything at once?

There's a reason why I don't share the story of my life with people. Well, there are many; but the main reason is that the idea of rehashing those moments of my life brings forward emotions that I'd rather not feel. But unfortunately, they always make themselves known.

Another concept from psychology that also piqued my interest was the reality in which we handle our emotions. Sometimes people find it easier to bottle up what they feel, but that ends in an explosion of feeling everything all at once, I'm not really a fan of feeling things as you can tell. Other times, people rush out each individual thing they feel, finding comfort in the idea that they can identify what led them to feel that certain emotion. For me? It's hard to know what I'm feeling, every day that I wake up it brings forth the idea that I don't know what I'm going to go through that day, that's terrifying. It's also why I tend to numb myself to only feel the things that I want to. But that's the other thing about the brain- you never fully get a say over what you want to feel or not.

It's why I've been stuck in my bed since this morning, unwilling to move, smoking joint after joint. I woke up with a clouded mind full of the voices that always seem to make an appearance. They speak things into my brain that make me feel emotions that I wish I could just push away and forget about. Today they choose to tell me how I am becoming too reliant on Harry for happiness; that he's tired of having to look after me and make me happy all the time. I wish I could just press a button and make them go away, but they reappear time and time again, and of course, I have nothing to do except believe them.

Since this morning, I have been recalling every moment that I have spent with Harry and realizing that I am becoming too dependent on him. It's sad. I didn't want to ever become a burden to him, but I can't help to realize that everything has been about me. I don't want things to be about me. I can't keep going to him as if he's the savior to all of my problems. He has his own life, with his own things to worry about; there isn't a need for me to be on that list.

I texted Chris and let him know that I wouldn't be able to make it to the office, a simple, I won't be making it in today, don't send Emma over, was enough for him to know that I'm not in the greatest head space right now.

I just want to be alone.

Usually, it's the opposite, where I oftentimes find myself surrounded by people and use them as distractions away from the voices in my head. But today is different. I don't think seeing anyone would be of much use. I need to spiral by myself without any distractions. I need to sort out my thoughts before they pull me underwater and I drown within them.

Being alone isn't foreign to me; I'm quite used to it honestly. It's not that I so much enjoy being alone, it's human nature to crave the presence of another, but some days I just want to sit and think and spiral instead of having to do anything else. It's not out of pity for myself either- I don't think I could ever feel sorry for the life I live. It just is one of those things where I stand in the flames that surround me, and try to find ways to put the fire out.