Beige

Chapter Nine

Alexis Monpettit

I dreamt for the first time in a long time last night.

It wasn't a nightmare or a flashback of what my father has done to me.

It was a dream.

A happy, warm dream filled with sunshine and flowers.

And Harry.

We were in a meadow, sharing a blanket, surrounded by endless amounts of colorful flowers. I was wearing a white dress, while he laid beside me in a white t-shirt and a pair of washed-out jeans. The matching white of our clothes representing the innocence that filled the atmosphere.  He had brought a handcrafted picnic basket that was filled with a medley of fruits. We had been talking about anything and everything, just appreciating the time we were spending together like we always do.

It felt like we were the only two people left on Earth, in our own little bubble that we often times find ourselves in. I was happy. It felt like the beginning of an epic love story. One where the girl doesn't have severe mommy and daddy issues that leads her spiraling in her own thoughts. A love story where the girl meets her prince charming and they live happily ever after, wrapped up in each other's love.

As I looked up at the sky I thought to myself, this is what Heaven feels like.

He had also brought his acoustic guitar, and pulled it out of its case strumming a simple tune. I watched him, mesmerized by the view. I had never thought of a man as beautiful until I saw him. He's the definition of a pretty boy; God certainly took his time sculpting every feature, making him perfect. He looked up at me when he opened his mouth and started singing three simple words. We'll be alright. I wasn't sure of the meaning behind them, but I interpreted them in my brain by myself, not bothering to ask what they truly meant: in the end, everything will be alright.

I hope he's right.

When I opened my eyes this morning, I had a smile on my face yet I was sad. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to stay forever in that dream, with Harry, dreamerboy.

I'm not sure what possessed me to make that his nickname, but the way he looks at me makes it feel like we're in a dream; a heaven-like fantasy, just like the one I had last night.

Thinking back on yesterday, the smile on my face grows; it was perfect. After the breakdown, I had on the phone with Emma in the morning, I was almost positive that I was going to cancel. But then I pictured Harry's face if he were to read that text and I couldn't bring myself to press send. I couldn't have the weight of him being disappointed on my shoulders. My thoughts were running rampant through my mind, on an endless circle of him not being impressed by me, or worrying that I was going to say the wrong thing, and ruin the mood. But as soon as he opened the door and I saw him, it was like my brain went mute. I couldn't remember why I was ever going to cancel.

It's hard for me to accept new people into my life. My whole life, my brain has convinced me that being by myself is the safest option. I don't have to worry about the pain of them leaving once they come to find out how messed up I am. It's funny; my brain convincing me that other people are going to hurt me when it's the thing that causes me the most pain.

I don't know how Harry makes it so easy for me to accept him. It's like ever since we saw each other for the first time at the luncheon, a certain part of me just craves to be around him. It's quite terrifying. But the comfort that envelops me whenever I see him, makes the fear dissipate.

Currently, I'm sitting across from Emma at her favorite brunch place, Petit Trois. When we spoke yesterday, she made me promise to tell her everything the next day, so now here we are. I decided to dress casual in a simple white t-shirt and shorts with a gray blazer over my shoulders and my white Air Force Ones. It's hot as hell here in Los Angeles, something I realized after walking out of my apartment today, so my blazer now rests on the back of my chair.