A year to remember

23. Scarlett

Question 21 of the practice test read 'dreams recalled during week one'. My cheeks flushed with the recollection of my dreams. I glanced across the table where Jared was working. I watched his jaw move rhythmically as he chewed gum quietly. I watched the two silver rings glint on his fingers, which were strong and lean as they held the pen steadily. I watched the muscles in his forearm move gently as he wrote on his practice test. His arm was strong and tanned, small golden hairs shone in the sunlight that crept in though the window. God, how was his forearm even attractive? 

I shook my head and looked back to my practice test, the word 'dreams' staring at me. I tapped my pen against the paper for a while, trying to force myself to focus. I glanced up again. 

"No cheating," he teased, without skipping a beat; his hand continued to move across the page, a small smile spread across his lips.

I gave in and stopped the timer on my phone. I needed a break. Surely that's all it was. The SAT's were tomorrow and I had been studying so relentlessly that I just needed a break.

And yet, my mind had been so unfocused for weeks now. Because I couldn't stop dreaming about him. About the boy who wasn't my boyfriend, but was my best friend. 

I stood up, pushing my chair back with a flourish. 

"You done?" Jared asked, looking up from his practice test. His dark hair fell into his searching green eyes and I caught myself wanting desperately to sweep it back.

"No," I replied, gathering my things.

"You okay?" he asked, probably concerned I was breaking under the pressure. And I felt like I was under a lot of pressure. Pressure to be a perfect student and get an excellent score. Pressure to be a perfect sister, daughter and friend. Pressure to be a perfect girlfriend.

"Yes," I responded. "I will be. I just need to do something."

"Do you need any help?" he asked, standing up. His green eyes watched me steadily, and the intensity made me catch my breath. 

"No," I responded quickly, moving to keep the table between us. "Thanks though. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Can't wait," he said, feigning enthusiasm and I hurried out the door. I got to my car, started the ignition and drove. I knew where I was going and what I had to do. My body worked on autopilot as my mind drifted back to last Thursday, sitting on the couch with Jared, watching a movie at home.

"You want?" I had asked, offering him some popcorn. He nodded his head and as he leant over to grab some popcorn from the bowl in my lap, I lifted it up and away from him before he could reach it.

"Ha! Like that's really gonna stop me," he said and leaned over again. I pulled the popcorn further from his reach.

"Try again, loser." I teased him with a small giggle escaping my lips.

"Okay, you asked for it," he said as he reached over and tickled me. My hand instantly jerked down to protect my side and I cried with laughter, gasping for mercy. I slid further down the couch, and as Jared reached for the popcorn, I twisted my body to protect myself from another onslaught of tickles. But I had accidentally positioned myself directly underneath him. He immediately jumped up, the popcorn forgotten and laughed it off, but for one moment I had looked up into his eyes and forgotten I had a boyfriend. All I could smell was his subtle cologne, and all I had wanted was for his perfect lips to kiss mine. If he hadn't jumped away from me so quickly, I would have twirled my fingers through his hair and pulled his lips to mine.

I had dreamt about Jared before. Usually I dreamt about lying in bed beside him, or sometimes we were on the grass outside in the sunshine at school having lunch, our heads close together. In my dreams, we were just talking, although always intimately, because we knew one another to the core, as best friends did. But that night, after our moment on the couch, I dreamt about my first kiss with Jared. From then on, he consumed my dreams, both day and night for an entire week. 

He came to me in my dreams, repeating what he had said to me before. I deserved the world. I deserved all the happiness this life could bring. In my dreams, he wanted to make me happy. He wanted to kiss me, to hold me, to love me until my dying breath. 

Perhaps it was all a dream, but I knew one thing for sure. I couldn't be someone else's girlfriend; especially someone who was toxic, jealous and a gaslighter. I had been so dumb. I knew that I was worth more than that. 

I pulled up outside of Tyler's college home. I hadn't been here since his shitty halloween party; the one where he had almost killed my best friend- with a drink intended for me! Why had I listened to his lies? Wy could he so easily manipulate me?

I marched up to the front door and knocked. I hoped he was home. It wasn't long before he answered the door.

"Scarlett?" he said, his eyes confused. "What are you-"

"It's over." I said.

"What?"

I pushed past him to collect the few things I had left here, in his room. 

"Why?"

I collected my belongings; a change of clothes, my converse shoes. A gold necklace? That wasn't mine. I turned to him and held it up.

"It's Mike's girlfriends," he said by means of explanation. 

"So why isn't it in Mike's bedroom?" I asked. "Actually, I don't care."

"You don't care?"

"No," I said and turned on my heel. I really didn't care, because this relationship had been over for a long time. I guess I had held onto it out of fear of failure, but I'd realised today that the only person I was failing was myself, for staying in it.

"This is because of him, isn't it?" Tyler spat, his voice full of jealousy.

"No. This is because of you. You're controlling, you're jealous-"

"You have been fucking him behind my back!" He screamed at me, cutting off savegely.

"I never cheated on you," I responded in barely a whisper.

"You haven't touched me in months! Not since you two became all chummy."

I reached for the door and turned to look at him one final time. Here he was, blaming me yet again for his actions. As I looked at him, I realised I felt nothing for him; no affection, no attraction, and certainly no love.

"Well, thank God I didn't." I said simply and closed the door behind me.