A year to remember

19. Sam

Something had changed.

I'm not sure what had happened at Alyssa's Halloween party, but there had been some dynamic shift that was palpable in the air.

The first thing that happened was that Jared had missed class for an entire week. Not that Jared's attendance had been great in previous years, but so far in Senior year, he had a perfect attendance. I gathered this was because he wanted to sit his SAT's in December, even though he didn't pay much attention in class. He was usually texting his friends on his phone in History or engaging in private conversations with Scarlett during Chemistry. I wondered what their conversations had been about lately. I hadn't quite been able to hear. I knew Scarlett was helping him to study for the SATs, as she would be sitting them in December too. I personally didn't think he needed the help, as I knew he was incredibly smart. He may have been quite lazy and carefree when it came to study, but he was very intelligent nonetheless.    

The second thing I noticed, was that when he did finally return to school, he all but ignored the dumb cheerleaders throwing themselves at him. They would sidle up next to him, pushing their bodies up close beside him, but he would just give them a grin, make a smart comment and, rather quickly, slip away. 

The third thing that I had noticed was that Jared hadn't made out with anyone at school in over a week since his return. But that didn't mean he hadn't hooked up with anyone recently. I wasn't blind. I could see the fading hickeys on his neck. He wore a faded flannelette top, the collar all but hiding them, but from my prime position in History, I could see them quite clearly. I spent the entire class trying not to stare as I counted them and recounted them again and again. There were seven in total. It must have been one hell of a hook-up not to notice- or maybe not to care- that he was getting covered in love-bites. I had never seen a mark left on him before from his moonlit trysts, but I guess there was a first for everything.

So, with a heavy heart, I put all my evidence together and concluded the inevitable. 

Jared Lennox was in a relationship.

I rushed out of History the moment it was over, absolutely devastated. I choked back tears, feeling the knot in my throat and the empty pit of my stomach threatening to consume me.

The moment I made it to the bathroom, I threw my books against the wall and let out an anguished cry. The love of my life was in a relationship with someone else. I really thought this year would be different; that I would use my proximity of our allocated seats in class to speak up and get to know him. But I had been too shy. Sam-forever the coward, forever the loner.

I looked in the mirror, at the tears streaming down my cheeks, and I saw myself the way everyone else saw me. A pale, scrawny kid, with glasses too thick and too big for my small, narrow face. I had red, angry acne on top of more red, angry acne and thin, mousy hair. To them, I was invisible. Even to my own parents I was basically invisible. They didn't know how terrible school was for me. On the days Paige wasn't there, the days would pass without a single person talking to me. They didn't know that the cheerleaders said 'ew' when I accidentally brushed up against them trying to get to class, or that the jocks looked me over like I was a lowly gutter rat, disgust evident on their faces as they passed me in the halls. They didn't know that some of the teachers didn't even want me speaking to them, as though asking a simple question to enrich my education was an inconvenience to them. On those days, I thought it would be better to be invisible. 

But my parents had no idea. They were too consumed in their own lives to really have time to hear about mine. So it made it easy to lie, because they didn't really hear what I had to say anyway. So I told them Alyssa had invited me shopping, or that Jared had invited me to Betty's Burgers. Or that Scarlett wanted to study or Mila was having a small gathering that she insisted I be at. The lying came easily and effortlessly, sometimes I really thought I was a member of the elite. But then my parents reminded me of the made-up events I had lied about being invited to, and I would have to leave the house for hours on end and walk the streets for an acceptable amount of time. I usually wound up by the bridge and threw rocks into the lake. Sometimes, when I was feeling adventurous, I climbed down the vine covered steep hillside- which was a borderline rock climbing cliff, although it wasn't that high- and skipped stones by the lake. 

I looked in the mirror and wiped the stinging tears from my eyes. I decided I would invest my time to find out who Jared was with. I would find out what was so good about her, and how I could become more like her. Then I would slowly sabotage their relationship and maybe, just maybe, Jared would notice me and I would finally get a chance to be with him.

Who was I kidding? Jared would never notice me.

I was pathetic. 

I hated myself.