OUR HEARTBEAT [BEOMJUN] ✅

twenty-three

The podcast that Wednesday felt off. On the surface, everything seemed normal. Sieun was doling out lots of advice, I was adding my fair share of sarcastic quips mixed with useful suggestions. Our classmates and Ms. Lee sat on the other side of the glass making sure everything ran smoothly. But something wasn’t quite right. For one, Yeonjun hadn’t called in yet. He’d called three weeks in a row; I assumed he’d call again. People liked him.
But he wasn’t calling, and it was getting later.

Second, it was freezing in the studio. Sieun and I sat in our chairs, shivering. The weather was cooler than normal for the end of September, but the school’s air-conditioning was still programed like it was mid-July.

And third, Arin wasn’t in the production lab anymore. The newest round of job changes switched her and Soobin to Thursdays.

It all seemed like little changes, but it took me back to my first week behind the microphone, my nerves as raw as if I had never done this before. And with these feelings churning in my gut, Isa, our new email person, spoke into our headphones.

“We have an email for you to read.”

Sieun handed me the iPad. “We have an email, listeners. And since Beom’s an excellent reader, she gets the honor.”

I scrunched my nose at her but opened up the email. “ ‘Dear hosts who probably have no idea what they’re talking about but are my only option right now.’ ” I laughed. “I like this kid.”

“We at least think we know what we’re talking about,” Sieun said. “But thanks for the confidence.”

I continued reading the email. “ ‘I have a problem. I am being bullied. Every day, I dread going to school. I am picked on relentlessly. I don’t know what to do. When I stand my ground, it gets worse. When I try to ignore it, nothing changes. I’m out of options obviously, since I’m writing you. Sincerely, Bully Magnet.’ ”

My laughter stuck in my throat. The dread that had been brewing in my stomach doubled. How had I never considered that people would present us serious problems like this? Problems beyond crushes and teacher drama … and cheese. Problems we were more than unqualified to answer.

“You’re right,” I said. “We are not experts on this. You should talk to a teacher, or parent.”

“Bullies feed off of your fear,” Sieun said as though she’d suddenly become a leading expert on the teen psyche. “You need to work on projecting confidence. Try to surround yourself with friends and support. People like the ones you’re describing are cowards. They won’t pick on groups of people. They want you to be alone and vulnerable.”

I scanned the students on the other side of the glass. Nobody seemed as alarmed as I was. “Can we get some factchecks on what we’re saying, or at least add a professional quote to the mix? I feel weird about going into this one with just our opinions,” I said, knowing this would be edited out.

Everyone’s eyes went to Ms. Lee. “You two are doing great,” she said.

I swallowed another protest, and said into the mic, “But really. You should tell an adult you trust. We don’t want to see you get hurt.”

The email correspondence was harder than a caller. I wanted to ask questions, to get clarifications. But an email couldn’t talk back or answer any of my concerns. How come nobody else seemed as worried about this as me?

The rest of the show went on as if that email was just like any other one we’d received.

Then we were ending the show and the equipment was turned off and Sieun stood.

“You okay?” she asked me.

“What?”

“You were kind of off today,” she said.