Do Not Look At Me, See Me

Chapter 5

I hate myself. I seriously do. I've been dreaming this would happen and I've always shut it out of my head to not cry. But now. The day after. I can't form a single tear. I can't function. I can't function. I can't focus. I can't.

I didn't touch either Raelynn or Josh. I didn't touch Josh because I didn't want a punch in the face and I didn't want to touch Raelynn because I wanted her to punch him in the face. I guess I was on Raelynn's side. I always was. I should've always been. I should've chosen her instead of Josh but I didn't. I chose Josh and now I have to live with the consequences. I probably lost two of my friends. I know for sure now that I can't help Paloma without Raelynn's help and I can't bring myself to walk to her front door. I can't. I can't.

That's why I'm pacing in my room. Alone. I need to be alone. I want to be alone. I deserve to be alone.

"You really need a lock on this window, dude." Raelynn says behind me. I turn to her and I see that she's as hurt as I am. Her cheek is blue, her eyes are bloodshot. But she's still gorgeous. As gorgeous as you can possibly be. Her red hair is exalted in a loose braid. Her left eyebrow has a notch. I remember when I gave it to her, it's one of my favourite moments with her. Her green eyes glows still. They still have that little sparkle. Her freckles are everywhere in her face, her throat, her shoulders, her stomach, her arms, her thighs, her hands. Everywhere. Her red lips are puffed out. Her nose is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

"Don't call me 'dude'." I sigh. "I've already told you that you shouldn't call me that." I put my hands in my sweatpants pockets.

"Well. What should I call you?" She asks. I have no idea.

"My name. Like everyone else does."

"Sounds boring to me."

"Did you just call my name boring?"

"No, no, no. Your name is awesome. It's just that it gets a little boring because everyone else calls you that." She says it while doing weird hand moves. I raise one eyebrow at her and she shrugs.

"Then... what do you want to call me by?"

"Hm..." she wonders a bit. "Freckles?"

"Sounds like a cat name, no." I say.

"Hazel?" She asks. I kind of like that.

"And I should call you Forest then?"

"If you'd like. I don't really care but Forest sounds good."

"Or maybe Sage." I think to myself.

"Whatever suits you."

"Then it'll be Forest and Hazel."

"Perfect." She smiles. Her absolutely adorable smile. "Hazel." She adds. I smile at her. We stand like this for a moment. I love this moment. Her teeth aren't perfect, her front teeth have a gap but I seriously like it. I love her smile. It enlightens my day. I'm the one who breaks eye contact first, though.

"Why are you here?" I ask her curiously, waving my thoughts about her away.

"I thought we would help our 'beloved ones' as Qwintee said." She's joking, I know that. But it still hurts.