Knee Pads

30 | down

CHAPTER THIRTY | DOWN

skaters are considered down if they have fallen, been knocked to the ground or have taken a knee. skaters on one knee are considered down. after downing herself or falling, a skater is considered down until she is standing, stepping, and/or skating. stationary standing players are not considered down.

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          I survived.

          The team hadn't had an issue winning the bout without me, which brought me great relief, but it was also a hard blow to my ego, reminding me that I wasn't nearly as important to them in the grand scheme of things as I'd liked to believe.

          Kat hovered around me like a drone, having made it her personal mission to ensure I wasn't making any unnecessary efforts and putting more strain on my poor left ankle than what was absolutely necessary. She helped me with the ice, the elevation, and the compression whenever needed, but she'd drawn the line at helping me shower the second I told her it was absolutely not required. Though it wasn't easy, showering was something I was still able to do on my own.

          Her insistence on helping me out in any way she could wasn't the issue. I was more concerned with her not letting me properly apologize to the rest of the team for flaking on them, but her frustration grew with each additional time I tried to bring up the subject.

          "Stop," she begged, with a pen stuck between her head and her ear. Bothering her during her songwriting sessions was forbidden, but I repeatedly broke that rule, so it was no wonder she was growing tired of my presence in the room. "I will literally pay you to stop."

          "Kat," I whined. "This is the one thing I need you to validate me on—"

          "If there's one thing I won't do, it's letting you wallow in self-pity. How many times do I have to tell you there's nothing you need to apologize for? Injuries happen all the time. It could have happened to literally anyone."

          "You don't understand."

          "No, you don't understand. Nothing I say to you matters and you're just going to do whatever you feel like doing, so it's not like I can stop you from apologizing. I'm just saying you should save your breath and worry about things that matter instead of being so focused on an apology that shouldn't even exist. The rest of the girls are going to tell you the exact same thing, but maybe someone else has a better chance at getting to you than I do."

          There wasn't much I could do after she'd decided she wasn't having it, so I returned to my own textbooks to dwell on my misery all by myself. If the team wouldn't listen, if not even Kat and Corinne would let me apologize, I could always try to talk to Coach, but that was my absolute last choice.

          We hadn't had many one-on-one conversations ever since Christmas Eve—the few words we'd exchanged immediately after my injury didn't count—and I never knew how to approach any subject around her, so I was setting myself up for failure just by considering talking to her.

          Out of anyone I knew, she was the most serious about roller derby, so I knew she would understand where I was coming from, but that also made her dangerous, and I hated feeling like I was walking on a tightrope. I was out of options, but I wasn't necessarily desperate; all I needed was some validation, some confirmation that I was allowed to be upset over this injury, even if it wasn't career or championship ending.

          It was my third day of dealing with a sprained ankle and I was slowly but surely regaining my ability to walk properly, so I'd already returned the crutches to the nurse. She hadn't cleared me to skate or to make any other 'unnecessary efforts' yet, so I couldn't get back on the track to practice or play, which meant I was surely going to miss the championship semi-finals. I was less than thrilled about it, even though all that extra time just gave me an opportunity to catch up on all the coursework I'd fallen behind on, not to mention I was finally allowed to sit back and rest for once in my life.