Knee Pads

31 | boutmas eve

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE | BOUTMAS EVE

the night before a bout when all good rollergirls get excited and go to bed early so that bout day comes quicker.

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          My first reaction was to laugh right in Coach's face, which probably wasn't my smartest idea.

          With Corinne, I was laughing out of nervousness because she was intimidating in an endearing kind of way, but I was deeply afraid of Coach and had no doubt in my mind she was well aware of that fact. Though I was nervous and being in the same room as her was unnerving, part of me couldn't help but find some humor in this situation.

          It took a lot of nerve to ask such a thing from me, especially when she was the reason Corinne was no longer part of the team in the first place. I'd spent a lot of time blaming myself for it, and it had taken countless people to convince me otherwise, so I refused to spiral down that black hole again. It was time I put the blame in its rightful place and remembered I hadn't directly caused Corinne's expulsion—Coach had.

          It was so ridiculous that she even dared to ask me to do her dirty work for her. I respected her as a professional and I liked to believe I was mature enough to acknowledge her gray areas, but there were things not even I could excuse. I could talk to Corinne in Kat's place, no problem, and it wasn't something that would piss Corinne off or upset her that much, realistically, but this was a family matter above all other things. Even if they argued it wasn't, there was still a matter of hurt feelings and pride, too, and that wasn't a thing I wanted to get involved in.

         I'd said it once, and I'd say it again—I would not be used as a pawn on other people's feuds. Some things were better off if the people involved solved them out between themselves without third parties getting involved, either by choice or by force. Boundaries were important and I didn't want this to escalate just because I'd been nominated as a messenger against my will.

          Besides unreasonable, it was disrespectful. Coach needed to be the one to talk to Corinne, not me, and she owed her an apology regardless of her intentions—a real apology, not a forced one just because it was convenient.

          I knew Corinne and I knew how badly she missed skating and roller derby, but I also knew she would never accept an apology from her mother unless there was something in it for her. These wounds were much deeper than just an expulsion; they were personal, something a simple apology couldn't erase, and, even if she forgave her for that, there were years and years of emotional damage to back it up.

          "I'm glad you find this so funny," Coach eventually said. I cleared my throat, hiding my mouth behind my hand, but that hardly stopped my lips from trembling. Realistically, objectively, it wasn't funny at all, but it was such a ridiculous request that I couldn't stop myself from laughing. "I need to know if I can count on you to help me with this. It's happening with or without your input, but your help just makes it all a lot easier and quicker. You'd have a different approach—"

          "Coach, with all due respect, have you stopped to think about what you're asking me to do? Have you thought about the implications of me doing this in your place? Do you think I'm the one she wants to hear this from?"

          "I'm asking you because you'll have an easier time pitching her the idea—"

          "Coach, come on. Even if I do it, she'll know I'll be doing it for you, and you know that's not what she wants to hear. It's not what she needs to hear. If this were just because of a spot on the team, she would have tried so much harder to come back. Has she reached out asking for a second chance?" The stone-faced look on her face was all the confirmation I needed. "I know roller derby is an important thing for both of you, but you have to understand what everything that happened these past few months meant to her. Having to become a co-captain alongside her ex-girlfriend, have you fawn over me when you knew it would piss her off, getting kicked out of the team when she hadn't done anything to deserve it, not to mention the insane amount of pressure you have been putting her under for years. All of that is exhausting just to list, let alone to actually go through it.