Of Pixels and Dying

Chapter 6: Lavender

My mother's soft weeps broke through the fog that had enveloped my mind. I shook my head slightly to clear it and looked down to see the limp body of Tubs resting in my arms. Metal scraped against rocky soil as my dad shoveled out a hole in the backyard for Tubs.

I'm sure the normal reaction to your beloved pet dying would be sadness, grief, tears, anything. But my mind had gone completely blank. I was convinced my insides were as hollow as a cave. I didn't even register my body moving as I bent down to lay Tubs into his makeshift grave.

It was just past 6 in the morning. Apparently Tubs didn't come for breakfast as usual when my parents woke up, and they found him unresponsive on the kitchen floor downstairs. What shocked me most was that he had died so young; he was only 4, and domesticated cats can live well past 10 years of age.

Poor Tubs, I thought, kneeling down to give him one last head rub. It was strange how his body yielded to my touch when normally his muscles would tense as he stretched for more pets. I noticed that his lips had already turned blue and couldn't look anymore. I ran back inside to escape to my room. That was when it finally hit me.

I covered my face with a pillow to muffle any noise as I convulsed with sobs. I couldn't breathe. Tears streamed down my face and I started gasping for air. It felt like a steamroller had just crushed me.

Thankfully my parents left me alone and let me stay home from school. I stayed curled under my blankets for nearly the entire day and ignored the knocks from my door signaling that dinner was ready. The initial shock still hadn't gone away. I couldn't believe that my loyal companion was actually dead. Tubs had been there for me during some dark times and comforted me when I couldn't bear to be around anyone else. And now... he was just gone forever.

I started crying again. Life really didn't feel worth living now. I can't do this, I agonized silently. I just wanted to feel anything else other than this unyielding anguish, even if it meant hurting myself. The buzzing of my phone interrupted my dark thoughts, and I glanced at the screen through a blur of tears to see a concerned message from Louis checking up on me.

[Tubs died,] I responded. [This is the worst. I'm feeling so depressed right now.]

[Oh my god, I'm so sorry,] he typed back.

After a few minutes I received a media notification from him, and opened up our conversation to see an audio recording. I tapped on it and heard a soft, almost timid but kind voice of a teenage boy speaking to me.

"Hey Kelsey, this is Louis recording a message for you. I'm really sorry to hear about Tubs. I'm here for you if you need me. Take all the time you need. Can you do something for me? Take some deep breaths and get some water, okay? And can you text me back so I know you're safe? Please let me know if there's anything I can do."

I jabbed out a quick [Will do, thanks Louis.] I knew I should've responded better but the trauma of Tubs's death had sapped all of my energy. Like he requested, I closed my eyes, took a few stabilizing breaths, and sipped some water from a nightstand cup. It did help me feel a little better.

What an incredibly sweet soul Louis had. I made a mental note to properly appreciate his caring gestures with an audio recording of my own. My tears were replaced with a gnawing emptiness that wasn't just from the aching hunger I was experiencing at this point.

Right on cue, a loud growl echoed from my stomach, reminding me that I hadn't eaten a full meal in days. Eventually I mustered the strength to wander downstairs and eat leftovers straight from the fridge without bothering to heat them up. I then played Vikings of the North for a few hours until I passed out.

The weekend sped by and Monday morning arrived before I even had a chance to process my grief. I groaned unhappily when my dad knocked loudly on my door.