Of Pixels and Dying

Chapter 11: Louis

I stared emptily at my reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing my funeral outfit comprised of an old black T-shirt and jeans. I felt pathetic showing up to the celebration of Louis's life in clothing that clearly lacked effort. Sandra insisted it didn't matter, but I couldn't help judge myself.

The car ride to the cemetery was draped in a curtain of somber despondency. I glued my gaze to the window to avoid eye contact. Although I had met the rest of his family, it still didn't sit right with me that they were including me in the funeral's affairs. I really shouldn't be here, I thought to myself. I knew Louis would've been glad I came; I just couldn't figure out how to justify my presence to myself.

Louis's sisters sniffled quietly as we pulled into the parking lot where a small crowd of who I assumed were friends and other family members was assembling. It felt strange introducing myself as "a good online friend" but fortunately everyone shared Louis's good-naturedness and didn't seem to care. Once all of the funeral-goers arrived- nearly 30 people in total had shown up- we headed into the cemetery towards the funeral service.

My heart started thudding in my chest as we approached the ceremony location and I spotted the casket open for viewing. Fuck. Seeing the trepidation fall across my face, Sandra gave me a comforting shoulder squeeze. Every muscle in my body was tense in preparation to run away but I knew I had to pay my respects.

I stepped timidly towards the casket once it was my turn and peered down, seeing Louis for the first time. A cosmetized young man laid peacefully inside, eyes closed and hands folded over his creaseless suit. Neatly gelled brown hair framed his forehead and dark eyebrows. It was jarring how much it looked like he was only sleeping. Seeing his features in real life was unsettling, especially knowing I was viewing his corpse. A wonderment of what his smile and laugh looked like drifted through my mind and I turned abruptly away as a flood of tears blurred my vision.

I sat through the rest of the service in a melancholy daze, struggling to pay attention. I barely listened to any of the eulogies until Louis's sisters Ashley and Brielle stepped up to the front.

"Louis was the best brother that any sister could have asked for," Ashley started shakily. "He knew exactly how to be there for us, protect us, and make us laugh. And it was a bonus for us that he was queer because he always helped us with our boy trouble."

The crowd chuckled softly.

Brielle continued the next part of the speech. "I'll never forget the way he pushed us to be confident in ourselves. He... sorry." She pressed her lips together, choking up. Ashley rubbed her back until she regained her composure. "He taught us how to love ourselves, never letting us speak badly about our appearances or bodies. I'll forever be grateful to him."

"Honestly, we don't even need to say the rest of our speech because of all of the amazing, and true, things that everybody has already said about him," Ashley said. "We all know what an incredible human he was, and knowing that he was suffering the whole time will haunt me and my family for the rest of our lives."

She paused to take a deep breath. "Louis even impacted lives online. He met a lot of people through his gaming hobby and told us stories about the people he befriended and how great they were. And we learned how great of a friend he was to them, too." 

Ashley glanced at me quickly, and I suddenly realized my cheeks were streaked with tears.

"His love and caring for people reached across states," Brielle continued. "It's so heartbreaking to know that someone like him, with this hunger for life and living, couldn't..." Her weeps interrupted the rest of the sentence.

Ashley spoke up to finish the rest of the eulogy. "If there's anything that we've learned from Louis, it's that life is just too short and hard on everybody. We need to be kind, we need to make each other laugh, we need to look after each other. That's what he would want. So please take a piece of his heart with you today. The world could use more of it. Thank you."

Both the sisters returned to their seats as the crowd broke their silence with quiet applause. Once the service was finished, everyone milled around, offering hugs and consoling words to one another. Emotions that I had suppressed behind a mental wall finally broke through, and the full impact of Louis's passing overtook me. He was really gone. The pain I was experiencing was so raw, so intense, that it felt like I would never be able to recover from it. Nothing's stopping me from joining him.

I cried softly the entire drive home as Ashley and Brielle tried to comfort me, to my embarrassment. They approached me with an envelope after we arrived back at the Dennards' place.

"We decided to give this to you after the funeral," Ashley told me. "It's a suicide note to you from him. He wrote one to almost everybody that he cared most about."

I could barely speak. "A suicide note?"

"Yeah," Brielle replied, wiping away her own tears. "We didn't read yours, don't worry."

I hesitantly reached forward to take the envelope into my hand.

"Let us know if you want to see his room or anything like that." Ashley offered a saddened smile before the two sisters left me to the comfort of my solitude.

I must have stared at that envelope for at least 15 minutes, flipping it over and over in my hand. I don't know if I can read this, I agonized silently, not prepared at all for the inevitable onslaught of grief I knew I would feel with reading his words. After some more distressed deliberation I tore open the envelope and shakily pulled out a single-paged letter.

As soon as I started reading the first line I broke down. Pull yourself together, I scolded myself, irritably rubbing the tears out of my eyes. I took a deep breath and returned my focus to the ink on the paper.

[Kelsey,

I'm writing this to you as my suicide note. If you're reading this now it means that my parents were successful in reaching out to you. Please don't feel guilty or blame yourself for what I've done. I know you might have a lot of questions, but the truth is I probably wouldn't have the answer to most of them. I've done my best to love and care for other people and convince them that they matter in this life when honestly I was trying to convince myself the entire time. I just don't want to do this anymore.

I'm really sorry for how everything turned out. You were an incredible friend, Kelsey, and I hope I made you feel that way. I'm so glad I met you on Vikings of the North. It was really fun and special, and I only wish I was in a place where I'd be okay staying around so we could meet in real life. I just know we would've been best friends for a long, long time.

Please keep the promise you made to me. I know life is really hard for you right now and I know you want to hurt yourself. It's a little hypocritical of me to be telling you but please don't hurt yourself, especially because of me. I want you to keep doing what you're doing. Keep playing Vikings of the North, keep doing school even though it sucks, keep being real. I believe in you and your plan to save the world. I just know you're going to do great things. So for me, please stay around, and be the environmental scientist you're absolutely capable of becoming. Don't listen to your parents or your shitty friends, because you are so much better than them and deserve the best.

Take care of yourself, Kelsey. I'm proud of you. I love you.

Love, Louis]