Of Pixels and Dying

Chapter 10: Upside-Down

The week following my learning about Louis's suicide was unbelievably disorienting. It felt like the entire planet had been dislodged from its axis, spinning chaotically into the abyss of space, its inhabitants losing all sense of what was the sky and what was the ground. The days I was able to actually get out of bed were spent scrolling through old messages between me and Louis and thinking of every conversation we'd ever had. I hadn't stopped wracking my brain for a reason as to why this happened. I probably did several years' worth of crying in the span of a few days; my tear ducts felt physically incapable of producing any more tears.

I had felt lost before in my life, overwhelmed by the future and all of the milestone deadlines I had to meet. This was the first time I felt truly isolated, however: like I had been spiritually detached from the rest of the world. It was like trying to exist in a world that I no longer understood or had any desire to understand. Without Louis, every aspect of my life felt distorted; upside-down.

I kept rereading Sandra's reality-shattering text. With each read a fresh wave of grief would gouge its way through my heart. I hadn't even started considering attending the funeral that Sandra had been so thoughtful to invite me to. It almost didn't feel right, between never having met Louis or his family in person and how I only knew him for a few months.

Not to mention the piercing guilt that clawed relentlessly deep within me. Logically I knew I was the last person that could've ever known something was wrong since I only knew him through the Internet. But it still haunted me that we talked basically every day for close to 3 months straight, and I didn't even have a whisper of an inkling that he was suffering too. I couldn't make myself feel better about it no matter the amount of self-persuasion I did.

My already-strained situation with my parents had become borderline dysfunctional. Telling them that a good friend of mine had passed away apparently wasn't satisfactory enough of an answer to their demands of what was wrong because they continued to pepper me with more questions. It took several mental breakdowns and my uncivilized screams to be left alone for them to finally back off. Going a day without seeing either of their faces was now a new normal for me.

And even worse was how my own suicidal thoughts were beginning to intensify again. Louis had been my last reason to stay around, but now that he was gone, everything felt hopeless again. I couldn't even see myself starting the new school year, let alone finishing my senior year and graduating. Now that I didn't have somebody keeping an eye on me, I started self-harming again.

One particular day saw me in an especially dark state of mind. I just didn't know what to do anymore. Louis's reminder of calling him when I felt suicidal echoed in my head, and I glared at my phone. How can you make me promise not to do that when you were planning on doing the exact same thing? I was so angry with him. Even though it made no sense to be mad at someone who was dead it allowed a distraction from the more painful heartbreak I felt.

Still, I decided I didn't have anything to lose and begrudgingly called Louis's number.

"Hello, is that you, Kelsey?" Sandra's voice rang in my ear soon after I dialed.

"Yeah," I murmured. "Um... Louis made me promise to call him if I felt suicidal. So here I am, I guess..."

Sandra started weeping quietly. "Oh Kelsey, I didn't know you were going through the same thing he was." She sniffled and continued, "Please stay on the line with me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Can you tell me what's going on?"

"I mean..." I fidgeted, suddenly uncomfortable with confessing my woes to someone I still considered a stranger. "I've been depressed for a while, and Louis was kind of my life line. He made me feel better about a lot of things, and like... made sure I was safe. And now that he's gone..."

"I'm so sorry, honey."

I started sobbing uncontrollably. "I just miss him so much, Sandra. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Oh sweetie, I promise you're not going to be alone in this," Sandra consoled me tearfully. "I'm going to be here for you just like he was, okay?"

I hiccupped in response.

"It makes me so incredibly happy to hear about what a supportive, loving friend he was. Everyone that I've talked to that knew him has said similar things. I want him back more than anything, but... knowing the way he cared for and changed peoples' lives while he was here makes it a little easier."

"He wanted to work with me to save the world," I told her. "I was going to do climate research and he was going to save endangered animals."

"That sounds like Louis," she laughed through her tears. "He loved animals more than people."

"No wonder I got along with him," I joked, and we shared some sniffly laughter.

Sandra and I talked a little more until she had to run some errands, but not before she said that she would keep Louis's promise as her own. It was the second time that someone from Louis's bloodline had saved me from ending my life. Next time I'm suicidal I bet the dad will talk me down, I thought sarcastically to myself as I snuggled under my covers that night, feeling like the excruciating burden on my soul had been lifted just a little.

I kept in touch with Sandra until the end of June. She managed to persuade me to attend the funeral for Louis, which was taking place during the 2nd week of July. She even graciously offered to buy my plane ticket and let me stay at her place.

As the funeral date inched closer and closer I felt myself becoming agitated. I knew that once I showed up and saw his dressed-up and prettied body in the casket it would all hit me like a brick wall. Somehow a part of me was still in denial and genuinely believed that this was an extensive, well-performed prank. Why somebody would trick a girl they knew online for only 3 months, I had no idea. It was painfully difficult trying to convince myself otherwise.

Before I knew it the day of my flight arrived. I boarded the airplane, luggage in hand, and tried hard to take some deep breaths to calm myself. Why was I so nervous? I had flown on a plane and been to funerals before. Maybe it was because I was meeting someone from the Internet in real life for the first time. Even though he's dead, I reminded myself sullenly.

I squirmed restlessly the entire flight, to the annoyance of the passengers next to me. Once I landed I met up with Sandra so she could drive me to her home.

"How was the flight, how are you feeling?" she asked once I buckled my seatbelt.

"The flight was alright." I rubbed my fingers anxiously. "Honestly... I was really nervous for some reason."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah." I paused and then commented half-jokingly, "This whole time in the back of my head I thought this would be some elaborate prank Louis pulled on me."

Sandra's face twitched slightly into a small smile. "If only that were the case."

"I'm sorry," I apologized.

"Don't be, I totally understand." She gave me a sympathetic glance. "If I'm being completely honest with myself I didn't believe he was actually gone until we started planning the funeral a week or so ago."

Not knowing what to say, I nodded affirmatively and watched the suburban scenery of a new state flash by. Soon we arrived at the Dennards' home, a lovely two-story brick house with a flourishing garden and neatly trimmed landscaping. Sandra gave me a brief tour and showed me to the quaint guest room.

"Let me know if you need anything," she said, closing the door behind her.

I stayed in my room as the day drew to a close, politely refusing Sandra's offer of dinner. I knew it was rude of me to refuse a meal from my host but couldn't bear the thought of sitting at the dining table with Louis's family, introducing myself to them as a good online friend in the wake of his passing. Plus the twisting knots in my stomach replaced any sensation of hunger I might've had. I spent the rest of the evening listening to music and wishing it had been Louis showing me his place instead.