Of Pixels and Dying

Chapter 9: Truly Lonely

[Hey Louis, is everything alright?]

I stared at the several response-less texts I had sent him, chewing on my lip worriedly. 3 days had passed since we last talked. I could tell something wasn't right; the most it ever took him to reply was a few hours if it was in the middle of the night, and even that was rare because his sleep schedule was as ravaged as mine.

I didn't want to swamp him with messages but decided to add a short [Please let me know if you're okay.]

The next morning I immediately checked my phone, and became weak with relief when I saw that he finally responded. A text message had never made me so happy.

[Hey Kelsey, sorry I haven't been replying,] the text said. [My boyfriend broke up with me the other day. I've just been in a rough patch.]

Oh, shit, I thought to myself. Louis had been with his boyfriend for over 2 years. Despite my lack of romantic experience I knew how emotionally tolling the end of a long-term relationship could be. I tapped out a response, trying my hardest to give him the same sense of solace that he had graciously given me so many times before.

[I'm so sorry to hear that, Louis. I'm here for you. You can talk to me anytime, okay? I'm just a phone call away.]

[Thanks.]

I frowned at the screen. It wasn't like him to reply so shortly. I could imagine how upset he probably was but his response still bothered me. It's fine, I just need to give him time and space, I told myself. That's what I would want.

The week continued on without much improvement in Louis's communication. I felt guilty for how annoying I was being, peppering him with questions and attempts at sympathetic consolations. I couldn't tell whether or not he was as okay as he insisted. I even resorted to calling him but when I was immediately transferred to his answering machine I decided to catch the hint.

Typically we would play Vikings of the North together almost every night. After he broke up with his boyfriend though, I started seeing him online less and less, and the times he came on the game, he would only stay for a few minutes before logging off. Then after the second week, he suddenly stopped responding to my correspondences and being online altogether.

A knot of dread began growing in my stomach. I just knew something was wrong. When our mutual Vikings of the North friends didn't have any leads, I started looking him up on every social media platform I could think of: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, even tumblr. I went so far as to look up his family too, but my online detective efforts were fruitless. Any accounts I found that were connected to him all had activity that ended around the same time his breakup happened. Nothing on his parents' or sisters' accounts gave me any clue as to his whereabouts or wellbeing, either. I was becoming increasingly frustrated with the limitations of having an Internet friend and not being able to physically locate him.

Everything else in my life was on pause now. I had less than a month left of my junior year, which meant final exams were once again rapidly approaching. Unsurprisingly my motivation and attention levels were at an all time low, and not just because of my depression this time. I spent nearly every waking moment checking my phone, checking the social media pages of Louis and his family members, and logging on to Vikings of the North to see if he was online.

Eventually I started wondering if he was actually fine and decided to ghost me. Maybe I bothered him too much with my shit, I fretted. Maybe he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. What if his parents took his phone and computer away? Or something happened with his ex? My mind supplied increasingly unlikely reasons explaining Louis's disappearance. Still, Louis's online silence dragged on, and the gripping anxiety I was feeling inhibited my ability to think about anything else.