Of Pixels and Dying

Chapter 12: The Lavender Project

Sandra rubbed my shoulder sympathetically as I cried after showing her Louis's suicide note the following morning.

"Why did he have to go and kill himself?" I choked out. "We're supposed to be best friends. How can he tell me to go and do all these things when he's not even around anymore?" I waved the letter emphatically.

"I wish I knew," Sandra murmured. "These are all questions we're never going to have the answers to."

She pulled away from me so that she could look me straight in the eyes. "I know for certain, though, that he cared about you so, so much. And he wouldn't want you to hurt yourself and miss out on all of the things you're looking forward to." She paused and added softly, "He wouldn't want his death to be in vain."

I sniffled and stared down at Louis's handwriting, a messy yet elegant scrawl that filled the entirety of the page. "Then what are we supposed to do?"

We were both silent for a few heartbeats before Sandra spoke up again.

"Remember what my daughters said yesterday?" she asked, her watery eyes giving away the achingly painful mourning she was enduring.

I nodded.

"Do exactly that. Take a piece of him with you and spread his kindness and love and incredible gift for making people feel valuable. That's what he would want."

We fell into a pensive silence again, deep in our own thoughts. Eventually Sandra gave me a long hug and left to check on her family. I felt so undeserving of the entire Dennard family's disposition towards me. I had known their son/brother the least of everyone who had attended the funeral, and they didn't know anything about me; yet they accepted me wholeheartedly and treated me as their own, especially Sandra. I guess it runs in the family, I mused, wrapped up in bittersweet memories of me and Louis's friendship.

Since my flight back home was later that afternoon, I gathered my small amount of belongings and cleaned up the guest room. I shared lunch with the Dennards, surprised by how lighthearted and cheerful their conversations were. I appreciated the obvious effort they were making for the atmosphere to not be depressing and awkward. I rested for the few hours before I had to leave, reflecting on the traumatic experience I'd just been through.

Sandra's comment echoed in my head: He wouldn't want his death to be in vain. I sighed deeply and frowned up at the ceiling. She was absolutely right; it was unquestionable that Louis's desire would be for everyone to continue on with their lives. Ashley and Brielle's words repeated themselves alongside Sandra's: Take a piece of his heart with you. It sounded straightforward in theory. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had no idea what either of those things meant in real-life, concrete terms. Okay, don't let Louis's death be in vain, take a piece of his heart with me. I furrowed my eyebrows. How the hell do I even do that?

Soon it was time for me to be dropped back off at the airport, which naturally was extremely emotional for all of us. I exchanged tight embraces with each member of Louis's family. Both Ashley and Brielle made me promise to keep in touch with them. Once we said our goodbyes, I entered the airport and boarded the plane, clutching Louis's letter in my hand the entire time. A single piece of paper had suddenly become my most important possession.

I reread the letter until I could've recited it by heart. What would Louis want me to do? I questioned, still clueless as to how I was supposed to keep my promise to him and "stay around". I desperately wanted to live up to his hopes for me. I read the letter again, and this time the line "be the environmental scientist you're absolutely capable of becoming" stood out to me.

It suddenly clicked. If I could work towards my goal of climate science research, maybe I could fulfill Louis's goal to save endangered animals as my own too. I could integrate both of our passions into one project. I sat up straight in my seat, frantically typing my ideas into the notes app on my phone. Even though I had years and years ahead of me before it could all come to fruition, I was the most excited and motivated I had been in a long time.

I arrived back home and refused to answer any of the questions my parents had regarding the funeral. I knew they were beyond frustrated with my lack of communicating to them who Louis was and exactly what had happened, but I didn't care.

I stayed up nearly all night typing up a plan for me to be able to bring my project to life. Between taking ecology and zoology classes in college, volunteering or working at the zoo, involving myself in climate research with a professor, and continuing my participation in environmental science clubs, I had amassed an extensive list of activities to pursue. I found myself actually eager to graduate high school and attend college so I could bring myself closer to organizing my gargantuan plan to save the world. My renewed, and possibly brand-new, fervor was all thanks to Louis and his words of encouragement. It was unbelievable how different I felt just with one person believing in and praising me.

I leaned back in my chair and reminisced about all of the things I knew about him. I remembered how he had always wanted to visit the lavender fields in France. Maybe I can go there one day to honor him, I thought wistfully. As if a light bulb had flashed in my brain, I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted to call my venture: The Lavender Project. I typed the name down and stared at it, laughing softly as tears of bittersweet happiness trickled down my cheeks. There couldn't have been a more perfect way to commemorate him.

As the summer began winding down, I had a chance to fully process the past several months and prepare myself for the new school year. Despite having found meaning in Louis's death, mourning him was still excruciating. There were many days I woke up expecting his texts only to have reality slam into me, leaving me in its wake like a piece of roadkill. I devoted hours to rereading old conversations and soaking plenty of tissues in the process.

I kept my promise to Ashley and Brielle, texting them periodically. They seemed happy to know I was alright, as was I in knowing their family was helping each other through this challenging time. I even played Vikings of the North again after weeks of not touching the game. It took a while before I could even bear playing it because anything related to Vikings reminded me of Louis.

As a suggestion by Sandra from the family's grief counselor, I decided to write my own letter back to Louis. It ended up being much longer than I anticipated; nearly 4 pages' worth of me thanking him, missing him, and being angry at him spilled out onto paper. It was beyond cathartic.

To say I was no longer depressed would be a stretch from the truth. I was still struggling with self-hate and emptiness. However, Louis had given me something I didn't think I would ever find again: a purpose. I no longer wanted to stop existing. His suicide was a horrible tragedy, and I wished endlessly that he was still here. But the ambitious resolve I had gained in the aftermath was undeniable.

It brought tremendous guilt to admit to myself that I wouldn't be the person I was now if it hadn't been for his death. After confessing this to Sandra, though, she reassured me that it was completely normal, and processing one's grief in a productive manner was an accomplishment in itself.

Soon it was the night before the first day of my senior year, something I genuinely didn't believe I would reach during the deepest depths of my depression. I was proud of myself, but more than anything, grateful to Louis. I knew I wouldn't ever be the same. I'll never forget you and everything you did for me, I vowed silently.

Not a day would go by that I didn't think about Louis, my promises to him, and my steeled determination to bring his legacy to life. It might sound cliché but I learned more about myself and what the meaning of my life could be. I had gone from being a depressed, suicidal teenager to a young woman itching to make a difference in the world in honor of the person that changed her life forever.

Even though I didn't know what struggles lay ahead of me, I knew that holding Louis close to my heart would always guide me in the right direction. He and The Lavender Project served as a beautiful steadfast reminder that I was never and would never be alone: that my own existence would be enough on this hugely overwhelming planet.