𝔞 𝔟𝔬𝔞𝔯𝔡𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔬𝔬𝔩 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢

chapter 33 - too good

𝐘/𝐍

I wake up to someone slightly shaking me awake. 

I groan and push their hand away. 

"Sleep." is all I say, and they sigh. But it doesn't sound like Evelyn. I sit up, concerned, and see Louis standing there. 

"Oh." I say as I stretch. "Goodmorning." I force a smile. 

"You don't have to pretend." he mumbles softly. 

I relax my shoulders and huff. "Did Evelyn tell you?" 

Evelyn walks out of the corner of the room. "Yea, I did. I'm sorry, he needed to know, though." 

I nod slowly. She's right, but I wanted to shield Louis from this. I didn't want him to see me like this. Like a wreck. 

"Plus, it's already all over the school. I would've found out either way." he says.

I sniffle. I think I gave myself a fever. 

"I bought these for you." he gestures to a box in his hand that I hadn't noticed before. There's a delicious smell in the room, but I have no appetite. 

"I don't want pity gifts." I say, as I bury myself down farther into my blankets. 

I have a headache, my nose is sniffly, and I feel disgusting. 

"It's not a pity gift, Y/N. You need to eat whether you want to or not, I just figured i'd bring you something you like." 

My ears perk up. "Muffins?" 

They laugh. "Muffins. Fresh. And an iced coffee." 

I sit up slowly. "Okay." 

He hands me the box and the coffee, and i gesture for him to come up. 

Aidan walks into the room a few minutes later, also holding a box. But it's a shoe box. 

He hands it to Evelyn and says "It's for both of you." I give him a muffin and thank him, even though i don't know whats in the box, and he sits on Evelyn's bed with Evelyn. 

I look at Louis and sigh. "I'm sorry. I know i'm a little irritable right now."

He shrugs. "Don't say sorry. You're going through a lot right now. I'm here for you. So is Evelyn. And Aidan. And we want what's best for you. We'll get you through this."

Louis is so understanding. Even though I was being a bit of a bitch just a few minutes ago, he's acting as if i'm an angel that just fell from the sky. 

I smile at him. 

I feel rough, and I need rest. So after I finish eating, everybody leaves the dorm, and I get to rest in silence for a day, to overcome my fever. 

All I know is that I slept for a long, long time. And when I was awake, I sat in silence for all of it, just thinking about what happened to Olivia. 

The guilt I feel is unbearable. I can't believe I didn't speak to her when I had the chance. Now i'll never get to talk to her ever again. 

Thinking about it helps. Being alone with my thoughts about her makes me feel better. Talking about her out loud, with other people, is something I don't think I could do. 

I check my phone. I have numerous missed calls from people in Glasgow. 

The story about the freak accident was on the news. It was blown wide, to my happiness. Everybody knows about what happened to Olivia Anna Roy at the boarding school in London. 

Nobody knows her, though. Nobody will know her smile the way those closest to her did. Nobody will feel the grief that Caroline and I feel. Nobody will feel this despicable feeling. 

Knowing that Caroline feels it too, and that she's probably also sick with grief, makes me feel less alone. At least i'm not the only one mourning her loss. 

But everybody should be sad. 

Nobody should just be going on about their lives like nothing has happened. 

Everybody should think of Olivia. 

Everybody should be sad for her. 

Everybody needs to feel this pain that those close to Olivia are feeling right now. 

I don't know when, but I fall into an uneasy sleep, and I don't wake for hours. 

Evelyn walks into the room, and I wake up due to her noisy footsteps. She seems to be in a hurry. 

When she spots my head pop up, she says "Oh good, you're awake. I just wanted to remind you that Jack's birthday present should be ordered now. Otherwise it won't get there in time."

I don't say anything and lay back down. 

The first time I picked up a package at school was with Olivia. 

After a moment of Evelyn clattering around our room, I finally ask "What are you looking for?"

I haven't spoken the whole time that I've been alone, and i'm just now realizing i have a hoarse throat. I cough a little.

"What? OH. Nothing. Don't worry. Get rest. How are you feeling?"

I raise my eyebrows in suspicion, but i'm not in the mood to argue. Or to talk at all. "Worse. Need medicine." 

"I picked some up for you at Asda's." she says, whilst gesturing to the small brown packet on my shelf. I laugh to myself about the fact that she was towering over me and I was too deep in slumber to even notice. 

"Call me if you need anything, okay? I'm going to let you have the night for yourself. You need it." 

As much as I hate the pity party, she's right. I need time to myself, to figure stuff out. Caroline told me not to be guilty, but that's extremely hard when I abandoned her during the last days of her life. I just need to be in my own silence. 

I nod, tears flooding my eyes for a reason I don't know of. Evelyn catches me out of the corner of her eyes, and says "Oh, Y/N. It's going to be okay. Life goes on. You'll feel right again some day."

Now my light sobs have turned into hard, loud, wails. She climbs onto my bed and cups my face. "You have been through so much, little lady. I admore more than you can even think of. You're so strong. You'll be okay. And until then, you have me and Louis to help you. And Aidan, of course." she adds quickly. "But the point is, this will pass. And I know you can do it." she stands up from my bed and walks down. "And I'm proud of you." 

Though i'm asleep whilst she says this all, I'm in the lightest slumber. You know, the type where you know what's going on around you, and you can hear everything, but you're not conscious. 

When I hear the door click closed behind Evelyn, I start sobbing again. 

Everything is making me cry. 

Evelyn is too good for me.