Paper cuts & Paper rings | JayWon

09. I'm sorry

▬▬▬▬▬▬

When Jungwon woke up the next morning, the giddy feeling of having his first kiss, going against what he had always conducted himself to be like and finally understanding the odd flutter in his stomach all suddenly stopped. It was like the beautiful filter of adrenaline had finally run its course and what it unveiled made him feel sick all over again.

He drowns himself in cold showers for the rest of the week, struggling to get through school and barely talking to his parents in fear they would uncover his perfect boy persona. He goes back to prayers every day with his dad instead of helping his mother at home and studies twice as hard to make up for all the disappointment and shame he might have brought on his family and community.

Jungwon forces perfect onto himself just like everyone else here. Everyone else is the perfect straight kid so why can't he be one?

He's been more involved with taekwondo too, trying to distract himself from any thoughts of Jay, any at all no matter how innocent they may have appeared. He tries his best to get away from everyone for a while – he believes he doesn't deserve their support for now. He's a lying, imperfect, and sinful boy and he's trying his best to eradicate any trace of that part of himself.

And when it becomes too much, he shuts himself in the shower and struggles under the Icey water until he can't overthink or run away anymore – until he knows what's right and what's wrong.

When enough time has passed, Jungwon feels some sort of relief. It's as if Jay had never been in his life in the first place – his parents don't ever come for sessions in his parents' house office and Riki doesn't seem to hang out with him as much as he used to (at least not in school) which makes it much easier for him to move on. Everyone forgets about the time when he pushed them away for a week and everything seems normal again – perfect again.

But there's something Jungwon can't unlearn from Jay and that is that nothing is perfect no matter how much you control it.

"Jungwon!" Riki calls out from across the street, waving his arm to flag him over, "Come quickly!" He beams his childish grin at him, a basketball in his arm while Sunoo and someone else(?) are sitting by the basketball hoop. Jungwon smiles back and swiftly joins Riki's side, snagging the ball off him until his face pales. An awkward smile paints his face as he takes a weary step back.

"J-jay?"

Riki nods with the same wide smile and tugs on his wrist for them to join the other half of their group, "Yup, I thought you knew we hung out," He furrows his brows and Jungwon nods stiffly.

"Jungwon, I didn't think you'd come..." Jay states weakly as he picks himself off the ground. A frown is evident on his face when their eyes meet and it's as if their world is two rooms apart but still somehow connected by a thin string. He turns away and hands the ball to Sunoo. He must find some sort of escape – this can't happen again.

"I-I don't feel really well," He stutters out, quickly approaching the gate which brews concern through his friends and Jay, "I'm sorry I'll come out to play tomorrow I just want to relax. Taekwondo was just really hard on me yesterday." He chuckles and waves off his friend's concern, guilt weighing him down as soon as the lie slips out.

"Jungwon!" Sunoo calls out.

Jay pushes past both Riki and Sunoo, sparing a glance at the two with a sweet smile, "Don't worry, let me go after him." Both nod in agreement which leaves them two to play basketball on their own. He lets the wind blow through his hair as he chases Jungwon down, the boy slowing down his pace when he notices Jungwon walking with his head down.

"Jungwon!" He calls out his name again, "Jungwon," He softens his tone when his feet halt, the dark-haired male crouched in a corner of an empty street, head buried in his knees as his shoulders shake. It was evident he was crying which meant Jay's own questions had to wait until he was sure Jungwon was okay.

"Is everything okay?" Jay takes a seat on the floor beside him, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. He can hear Jungwon's harsh breaths, rubbing his salty tears on his sleeves he takes a second to look at Jay. He still smiles even though he can tell he's hurting – he's hurting and aching because he left him and yet he still has some sort of patients to run after him.

"I'm sorry," Jungwon states brittle through his sobs and shrunken in cries. Pursing his lips tightly, he sniffles and sighs harshly, avoiding his gaze again. Jay slips his cool fingers under his chin and guides his eyes back to his own.

"Sorry?" Jay mumbles, flabbergasted, "For what?" his expression is so fake which makes Jungwon feel even worse for leaving Jay without saying a word but was he wrong for leaving him for his family, religion, and friends? Everything made Jungwon want to cry even harder, but he composed himself.

"I left you," Jungwon's voice is harsh, and each vowel feels like a sharp pain in his throat, "... after we kissed, and I didn't even care if you were hurt or not I just left... And here you are, helping me through some inner conflict even though I left you." His words make him realise the gravity of his actions and a horrible pit digs deeper in his stomach, Jay pulling him in for a tight hug, arms coiling weakly around his body through instinct or maybe it was because he really needed someone to hug, or maybe it was because he really missed Jay.

"I don't care, darling..."

"Y-you don't?" He mutters out almost breathless. Fingers burying deeper into Jay's shirt, he sighs and lets a weak smile engulf his frown, shutting his eyes as he indulges in the sweet gesture, "Why don't you care Jay?" he spares a glance at Jay who keeps the same calm expression, still not letting go of Jungwon as he responds.

"Because..." He takes in a deep breath as if to compose himself and runs his hand down Jungwons back, "Because I was once like you too, afraid and scared of doing something wrong and imperfect so I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do." He explains, rubbing circles on Jungwons back as he buries his face deeper into his shoulder.

Pulling away from the hug, Jungwon uses his hand to wipe the access tears away from his eyes with a pathetic smile. Jay presses their foreheads together, "I just want you to remember that I don't want to hurt you," he whispers sadly, tears welling in his eyes which causes Jungwon to use his thumb to stop them from staining his cheeks.

"I know, Jay," He mumbles with a stronger smile than the olders as pulls him in for a quick peck on the lips, "I know..."

He watches as Jay's expression lights up at the small gesture, cheeks flooding with warmth as a light chortle breeze past his lips. Jungwon can't help but chuckle along as well, the older catching his lips in another long kiss, arms propelling around his neck as he lets himself feel at one with himself again.

When he hears the laughs of his friends and the loud basketball against the floor, he swiftly pulls away standing up as a wave of guilt and nausea eradicates any sense of comfort. His smile drops into a frown, and everything feels dizzy suddenly. Jay quickly stands up with a confused expression as he reaches out for Jungwons shoulder, "I-I have to go."

"I'm sorry." Jungwon whispers out harshly as tears pool in his eyes again, refusing to look back at Jay, "I'm so, so sorry..."

▬▬▬▬▬▬

I might be able to start updating more frequently because this time i actually do have more free time but who knows  --  twd and jjba are very long 😔