shitposting 🪳

bro kinda sad ngl

this lowkey sad but honestly idec I'm kinda just in a blah mood.

ok so.

I feel like mommy and daddy issues are quite commonly talked about online, but never about sibling trauma.

and it sucks.

I'm the middle child of 3 children- with an oiler sister and younger brother.

growing up me and my sister were super close. I mean, that's how sisters usually are. we are 3 years apart, so pretty close in age as well.

but, as most older siblings are- she was a bully.

"oh its just sibling banter it's normal"

"oh you'll be fine"

except sibling banter doesn't usually include literal mental trauma and exhaustion.

I was always picked on when a small child. always told lies to scare me, always teased- normal sibling banter.

but as we got older, she got more easily irritated and I fell victim to a lot of her outrages.

the thing about my sister is that she is so easily upset. she always feels insulted by every little thing you say and will scream at you for doing so.

this resulted in a lot of screaming matches.

doesn't help that my parents are workaholics that own a business. they were never home or in the house to defend me.

I was told I was "too sensitive" and was just "acting hurt by her words"

this built excellent arguing skills. I learned to be the bigger person. I also learned to never really show emotion around her.

so, I started acting calm in arguments while she was, quite literally, screaming at me.

it worked for a little bit, but then suddenly I was "acting so cool and edgy and like I was better than her"

not the first time I'd hear that and definitely not the last. seems like a common defense from people.

in these arguments though, I definitely could not lose my cool because if I said something even slightly offensive, she'd use that so much against me in the argument.

that, or she'd harm herself.

...

ah ha, yet another eggshell to tiptoe around.

so for the past- eh 7 years (from when her arguing problem got bad) I have been delicately tip towing around her.

and its not just me- everyone in my family seems to get into arguments with her.

seems like a her problem.

and when I mention that it's not a coincidence that everyone seems to argue with her, she starts crying because it's "an insecurity that she's working on."

#Gaslighter.

not to mention, I've always been kinda the person she vents to.

always receiving the backlash of her emotions- whether it be through a screaming match or through a breakdown.

but alas- I can't do the same.

last year I vented to her because I can't make friends real well and it's depressing that I can't live out a fun teenage lifestyle because of it.

instead of comforting me, she gave me a list of people to be friends with. when I denied all of them, she called me ungrateful for denying her help.

always the listener, never the speaker.

she's made me cry so many times.

she's made my mom cry so many times, because she always makes her to be a bad person. she's not. she's literally one of the most helpful, kindest humans ever.

but we're always the bad people.

it's hurts being around her.

she's so judgemental.

I cant show emotion around her- or anyone.

and her boyfriend agrees.

he feels the same way.

me and him are really close, and we've had multiple discussions about her and her behavior.

it hurts him too. 

that's why it was a blessing for me, curse for him when they moved into their own house.

her house is only like a 3 minute drive from my house, but I've honestly never been more mentally sound.

it's so peaceful not having her around.

no weird family tension.

nothing.

of course, she's still very involved.

she drives my moms car, does her laundry here, and still maintains a relationship with us, but she's not here 99% of the time.

it's caused me to be happier and me and my brother to become closer.

ah yes- the good ending.

except no.

although she moved, I still recount all the literal emotional abuse I was put under.

"why did I still idolize her and be best friends with her?"

well, that's the tough part about family trauma.

there people are your family. you grew up with them. you love them. its easier to remember the good memories and forget the bad ones.

like I said- my sister was, and still is, one of my best friends.

having a older sister figure is so cool. you can do anything together.

and, even though she's a bitch, she's helped me in some cases.

that's why it's so hard keeping resentment.

how can I hate someone I love so much?

I cant.

it's hard, but honestly distance has helped, so ig from here we just hope things keep going smoothly.

she still hurts me- and my mom- but what can I do? nothing.

it's whatever.

this was just a rant and honestly too depressing for my liking so might delete later.

but I just needed to speak.

life just feels like a lot sometime.

I cant tell if that's the migraine or tiredness talking.

frfr

bye.