shitposting 🪳

its 2 am and i dont know what to do

grief is weird.

it works in weird ways that are hard to comprehend.

I've never truely felt grief- at least at not this level.

the only death that I 100% remember and expirenced (and that i was somewhat close to) was my great grandmas, in 3rd grade.

even so, it was not a huge deal. I wasn't close with her, but my mom was, so it was sad seeing her cry so much.

but even though the death itself wasn't such an impact, to me it was the thought of "this person is gone, bane from existing, and will never come back" that really wracked my brain.

and since then, I've thought a lot about death.

thoughts about my own death, the death of others, etc- but I thought death was far away from me.

until about a month and a half ago, I found out my dog of 12 years had cancer.

I wasn't sad at first.

not shocked, either.

it was just kind of a new piece of information I had now.

I knew what it meant for the future, but I didn't fully think about that.

I didnt have to, right?

wrong.

a month and a half later and my dog isn't doing so good.

again- not sad. just- there?

something I chose not to think about.

it was all fine, right?

wrong. again. fucking dumbass.

and suddenly its a Monday when I don't have school and my mother calls me and my brother to have a talk about the impending doom for my dog.

and 5 hours later, we make the decision to schedule the appointment where we'd have to say our last goodbyes- in an hour.

I didn't cry in front of anyone.

I didn't want them to know I was sad, ig.

I didnt even cry that much in the vet room.

just a few tears, as I saw her stomach rise and fall for the last time. I used all my energy to conceal all emotion.

I didn't cry the whole rest of the week.

I went to school as normal. used a lot of humor to cope- a lot of blatant and blunt jokes that caught a lot of people off guard.

"hey lol my dog died" or "hey look it's a picture of my dead dog"

and I had come to the conclusion that I don't think I fully comprehended it.

I knew she was gone, but I didn't understand and fully think about how ill never see her again.

how she is bane from exsiting. how she'll never make another memory with me. how ill never get to pet her ever again.

it is only now, at 2 am on a Friday night/Saturday morning, that I realized this.

and suddenly I'm trying not to scream as my heart is ripped out and my sobs are muffled by my own hand. (edit: it's the next day and God I sound so dramatic lmao but it was true. I was crying HARD)

this is the first time I've truely thought about it.

I'll never see her again.

I'll never- ever- see her again.

I'm truely alone.

the one person that, by default, would always love me and be excited to see me is- gone.

I've never been so fucking sad.

and I have no one to cry to.

sometimes I'd cry to my dog and rant to her, but that's the irony of it all.

she's really gone.

man.

:(