Lost

Chapter 26

ELLIE JONES

After the Night Shift yesterday, I walked home with Isaiah. He could sense something was off but didn't ask me about it, which I'm thankful for.

I put on some jeans and T-shirt, not really caring what was on me right now. I go for class and listen to my professor talk about the importance of determination when starting a business.

Determination. I am determined to solve this love issue once and for all.

After dismissal, I stay in the class for a while, just sitting. I didn't really feel like doing anything.

"Ellie?" I turn around and see Alfie. Great, just the person I wanted to see. He walks towards my seat and sits down in the chair next to me.

"Can we go get lunch? Talk maybe?" He asks. "I'm not sure Alfie," I mumble. I just want to sit here a little longer.

"Oh so now that you two are closer you can't spare any time for me?" He says in a joking way, but I can tell he's hurt, especially now knowing how he feels about me, I know that he's hurting.
"It's not that just.... Okay fine," I stand up with my bag, gesturing for him to lead the way. We go to the cafeteria where he gets a salad and I just get an iced chocolate. We sit in the presence of awkwardness, and I finally say, "So I read the letter."

"You don't feel anything at all?" He asks. I don't want to lie, but I know I'm happy with Isaiah, and where our relationship is now.

"I'm happy with where I am with Isaiah now," indirectly answering his question.

"For now. What about in the long run? He has so much messed up shit in his life that you don't know about. Things he doesn't tell you. How are you so sure that whatever you have with him now will last?" Alfie asks. Messed up shit? What's that even supposed to mean? But even so, he loves me and I love him. Isn't that enough?

"I don't know," I really don't. "It's not my place to tell you what's going on in his life, but I suggest you talk to him about it before you fall too deep," he advises and I can only nod. There is some weight in his words, some truth even. But he made it sound like there were so many secrets between us. Secrets I'm not even sure I want to know.

"I have to go soon alfie," I tell him. Which is a lie, but I'm tired. I need advice from someone other than the two boys that I need advice on. He offers to drive me to the store, but I decline.

Just when I thought my heart is finally at ease, that my relationship with Isaiah can bloom, that I can stay happy as friends with Alfie, I am faced with such a revelation. I just hope it's not enough to scare me away.

When I reach the store Isaiah isn't there yet, but my mum is. I did say I need advice, and who better to get advice from than my very own mother.

I tell her all about Alfie and the book and even the heartfelt letter he wrote telling me he's willing to wait for me.

"It's sweet and all, but I thought you like Isaiah?" She says after reading the letter. I plop down onto one of the chairs and throw my head back. "That's the thing. I know I like him, I even love him. But when I read that, I could feel these rushes of emotions that weren't just friend to friend feelings." I explain. She walks over to take a seat next to me and tells me, "Well no matter the feelings you have for him, or both of them, you have to decide who you love more. It's not your head's decision, or your heart's decision, it's yours. Make it wisely."

My head definitely loves Alfie more. He is the "common sense" choice. The one I'd settle down with. But my heart loves Isaiah more. Though I don't, and I don't think I ever will, get the reassurance from Isaiah that I know I'll constantly get from Alfie, I love the risk he brings to my life.

But who do I love? I spend the rest of the day thinking and asking myself this pivotal question again and again.

Who do I love?