Lost

Chapter 31

ISAIAH PHILIPS

The day after my visit, not really a visit but I have no idea how to categorise it, with Ellie, I visit my mother in the hospital. I inform her that I've got the money and we can go ahead with the treatment.

I can see the shock on her face at how fast I got the money, so I reassure her by saying, "Don't worry, I didn't do anything illegal for it. Alfie gave it to me, well lent it to me."

"I hope you're not angry that I told your aunt, I know how you feel about getting help from them," she asks me, causing me to shake my head in response. I could never be angry at her.

"Are you sure you want to go ahead with the treatment? You've been fighting this illness for years, aren't you tired?" I ask. She is no longer the woman she was, no longer the mother she used to be. She's lost an insane amount of weight that it hurts to see the skin and bones that define her now. She's lost the sparkle in her blue eyes, but most importantly, she's lost herself to this illness. And I lost a mother in the process.

"I can't leave you alone. You've been through so much Isaiah, and you've already lost a parent once, I'm not going to be responsible for you losing another," she says, her left hand caressing my right cheek. I hold onto her fragile hands and lean into it, feeling the warmth and comfort of the only emotional pillar I've ever had in my life. I don't even want to imagine what it will be like one day when the warmth drains from her hands. Even as sick as she is now, her only worry is me.

I can feel my very own tears fall down my cheek and onto our hands. I rarely cry, but with this new thought that losing her could be my next reality makes it hard to swallow the tears. We stay like this for a while, and all I can think of is how sorry I am. I will never be able to grant my mother the joy of seeing my future milestones, like getting married, and having kids.

"I can't stand it mum. The fact that this illness may rob you of the opportunity to see me happy," I cry out. She wipes my tears away, "Don't be silly. I've already seen you happy. The times where you were with that girl, you were as happy as can be. The happiest you've ever been." Indeed, she makes me happy. Not just happy, she makes me ecstatic.

"Why haven't you seen her lately?" She asks. I wipe my tears away and tell her about Ellie. The girl who took my breath away. The girl who made me feel loved, made me feel like I can be loved. I tell her everything about her, how she loves reading romance novels and loves to annotate and write tiny little notes on every page, how she hates chocolate, how she has big dreams and ambitions, and all her tiny little habits that makes me love her more. If that's even possible.

"She sounds wonderful," my mum says. She is. She is everything.

"I don't think you'll be hearing about her for a while though," I tell her.

"Why not?" She asks, shocked. After how I described her, I think my mother thought that we were together, that we are inseparable.

"She's better off with someone else," I say softly. She deserves someone who has their life together.

"Don't decide that for her Isaiah," she tells me. I tell her not to worry to much about me, and to get some much needed sleep.

After making sure she's comfortable and asleep, I go out to arrange the treatment and fill in some formal details to get it all set up.

As soon as I go back up into the ward my mother is in and lie on the empty sofa next to her, I feel like my life is settled.

Ellie will stay here in London and will probably forget about me and move on, she may even end up with Alfie. While I on the other hand will try and get over her and start life anew.

Maybe that's the way it should be.