Facing My Demons (Devil's Right Hand MC #1)

Chapter 19

Clove's POV

I can't explain how I feel right now without sounding certifiably crazy. I am relieved it happened because I can begin to trust myself again. On top of that, I am disgusted and feel violated and angry. Simply put, I have twenty conflicting emotions swirling in my head that I am trying to process; however, the loudest seems to be guilt.

While laying in bed last night, I kept thinking about how I got myself into that situation. Was my shirt too low? Did I flirt too much? How did he drug me? All these questions swirled in my mind and while I know it was not my fault, my brain would not shut up.

Now, I just have to focus on things I can control, which starts with cutting my damn hair off. After watching him wipe it in my hair, I cringe every time it touches my skin, it feels dirty. Call me crazy, but it has to go.

"So girls, I need a favor," I began as Grace, Amber, and I walked into the kitchen. The boys were being total assholes just sitting there in awkward silence, but I hope the girls aren't like that.

"Name it," Amber immediately snaps.

"I need you two to cut my hair," I state and watch confusion flood their facial expressions, "I need it short, at least up to my chin."

"Well I went to beauty school, but I'll be honest I barely passed the haircuts, I was always more of a makeup girl," Amber says uncertainly.

"I'm sure Amber could call one of her beauty school friends to come here and cut it?" Grace offers.

"I don't want a stranger touching me," I mutter, looking at the floor, "I just need my hair gone."

"Well I am sure we can figure it out," Grace pipes up, her voice cheerful, "I'll get a chair, a couple of towels, and the scissors from Bear's desk. Clove and Amber, find a YouTube tutorial you like." 

Grace went right to work gathering the supplies while Amber and I looked for haircuts she could do. We finally agreed on a really short-stacked bob. Honestly, I would have been fine with any style but Amber insisted this would be easy to do and it would look the best with my face shape. 

Soon, I am sitting in a chair with a towel wrapped around my shoulders while Amber wets my hair with a spray bottle and begins working her magic. Grace sits in a chair across from me, opening and closing her mouth multiple times as if she wants to say something to me but stops herself. 

"Not you too," I groan, "please just say whatever you are trying to decide if I can handle." 

"I just wanted to ask if you were okay, but it sounds like a stupid question given the circumstances," Grace answers and I instantly feel bad for snapping at her. 

"I am decent. I just have a lot of things going through my head that I am not sure what to make of," I answer honestly. 

"Clove, you know what I have been through, and while I have not been in your exact situation, I can probably relate to most of those feelings," Grace answer and I smile. I could use Grace and Amber as my sounding board and not worry about them committing a felony. 

"Me too," Amber says and I look down, she has never told me this before, "I was at a bar when somebody followed me to the bathroom and tried to... well you know. Anyway, that's how I met Grease, he saw it happen and beat the shit out of him."  

"This is way too common," I mutter. I thought I was alone in this, but here are two incredibly strong women who have gone through an assault. It's not me that's the problem. 

"Yes, it is," Amber responds. 

"I feel relieved that it happened. How fucked up is that? But I am relieved that I didn't make it up, it means I am not crazy," I respond, easing into the conversation.